


FAN SERVICE

by hundredsofme_hundredsofyou



Category: BLACKPINK (Band), DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, K-pop, One Direction (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Band Fic, Crossover, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Homophobia, Kind of happy ending, M/M, Multi, OTP Feels, Sexism, queer sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2020-08-11 06:22:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 80,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20149099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hundredsofme_hundredsofyou/pseuds/hundredsofme_hundredsofyou
Summary: Jungkook bends over Jimins ear and he awaits some more teasingly words about his tears. But Jungkook does not speak, no his breath is hiking. And Jimin shivers as his tongue starts to tease his ear. Nibbling. Jungkook is nibbling Jimin’s ear. And right then and there it makes sense. The euphoric feeling in Jimin’s heart growing even bigger, overlaced with something more. A tingling feeling deep down his stomach. He covers his face with his hands and instinctively crawl a little closer to the muscular body hovering over him.It is first afterwards Jimin starts to think. What happened? Why did Jungkook suck on his ear as if that was a normal thing to do at a concert? What kind of extreme fan service is that?-------Just another fanfic about Park Jimin and Jeon Jungkook, complicated by their own fans, band members and the entertainment industry. Starts with a public ear nibble at the Rose Bowl in Los Angeles and continues into a fictive scenario.Warning; there might be some unexpected sexual encounters, a kind of slow Namjoon and not the most flattering portrait of ARMY. The story might also in parts feel a bit too real, there will be love but also sadness.





	1. There are hundreds of me’s inside of me

It is the end of a concert and everything is shimmering; the world as beautiful as it can ever be. The American fans are a sea of shared dreams, of happiness and belonging. Some of them are crying, others are shouting with joy. Jimin feels dizzy and light as he stares into those more than 100 000 beautiful faces coming here just to see them, BTS, perform. It makes him weak in his knees and he needs to sit down. Squatting in a typically Korean way on an arena stage in Los Angeles, he raises his microphone with a big smile. Heart swelling in his chest.  
\- I love you, he shouts in English, into all those eyes out there. I love you!  
And as he shouts he knows it is true, he loves their ARMY, they are for real the greatest love of his life. He do not know how to thank them for all of the things they have done for him; an insecure countryside boy from Busan turned into a world wide singer. He never ever wants to let them go.  
All of a sudden a pair of familiar hands are on his shoulders, the sound of breathing, he doesn’t have to turn around to know it is another insecure boy from Busan turned into a super star. Jungkook, the youngest member of BTS presses himself down behind him, the warmth of his body against Jimin’s back as he hangs over him and hugs him tightly. Jimin feels even more dizzy. How did they mange to come all the way here, to the Rose Bowl? He remembers Jungkook's eyes glowing like candles in the dark earlier. This surreal happiness. It is overwhelming for them both.  
\- I love you, Jungkook starts to screams together with Jimin, I love you…  
How much love can their bodies hold? Jimin cannot contain all the feelings within him, they well out like tears. He always ends up crying in front of the fans, but right now he does not care about keeping up appearance. Every worry seems to have disappeared. His hardworking body totally at peace with the world. He lifts his hands to his cheeks to feel the salty water pouring down, and it feels good, Jungkook continues to scream almost as a mantra, a high pitch tone close to Jimin’s ear.  
\- I love you, I love you, I love you…  
And then he turns to Jimin, whispering in a darker raspy voice. A smile hidden behind his words, teasingly but caring.  
\- Are you alright Jimin? Crying again?  
The familiarity of the Korean language and Jungkook’s voice in this venue fills Jimin up with pride. It feels like he is falling into the world, into the screaming fans, and Jungkook. He is falling into Jungkook. Sweaty warm bodies, high on emotions. Jimin lifts his microphone and continues to shout.  
\- I love you, I love you, I love you…  
Jungkook bends over Jimins ear once again. He waits for some new teasingly words about his tears. But Jungkook's breath is hiking as his mouth is all around Jimin's earlobe. He shivers. Slowly, like an extension of what he said earlier, Jungkook’s tongue starts to tease his ear, playing with the top of it. Nibbling. Jungkook is nibbling Jimin’s ear. And right then and there it makes sense. The euphoric feeling in Jimin’s heart growing even bigger, overlaced with something, more than love and affection. A tingling feeling deep down his stomach. He covers his face with his hands, and instinctively crawl a little closer to the muscular body hovering over him.  
  
  
  
It is first afterwards Jimin starts to think. What happened? Why did Jeon Jungkook suck on his ear as if that was a perfectly normal thing to do at the end of a concert? Was it fan service? Fans love to ship them. He has seen many fan made videos of him and Jungkook with romantic songs playing in the background. Sometimes he shared them with Jungkook as a way to handle the weirdness; laugh it off together. Did Jungkook do that to give their fans some extra action; the hot things they dreamed of? But what kind of extreme fan service was that? The only Kpop stars Jimin have seen doing stuff like that on stage is Super Junior. He thinks about the famous, or infamous, clip where Heechul kisses a band member deep with tongue, on stage. Fans screaming in delight. Is that the way they are suppose to behave now? Jungkook pining him up on the stage grabbing his face and kissing him passionately? Jimin gets nervous only thinking about it. And what would the fans who is not into homoerotic fan service think? Namjoon? What would their dear leader think? Or Rose? Jungkook’s girlfriend would not be happy with him kissing other people, that is for sure.  
The more he thinks about it, the more unlikely it seems. BTS have never been a band with an extreme amount of fan service. A hug here and there, or some flirty lines, a gaze that lingers a little too long, is more in the line of BTS. They make sure to give the fans something to fantasies about, but within the limits of their own comfort zone. Almost making out on stage is way beyond that and nothing any of the members would feel comfortable with. Or, not Jimin anyway. So then again: Why did Jungkook do that?  
For a moment he thinks he might need to ask Jungkook, but then he remember something else. A maybe even more important question: Why didn’t Jimin smack Jungkook’s head, but sneaked closer? And, oh? Did he make a sound? He thinks he might have made a shameful noice, moaning as if they were actually making out. He shakes his head and tries not to think about it. It is better not to think about it. Being on an arena stage is a little like getting drunk. Strange things happens between people in that state. Better not to talk about it.  
  
  
  
Why did Jungkook do that? Jimin is not the only one who wonders. A little more than a week later, after the last concert in Chicago, Namjoon looks at a clip on Youtube with an analyses by a fan in English. She is absolutely sure that the ear nibbling is the greatest prove, so far, that Jimin and Jungkook are boyfriends. Namjoon frowns. Apparently there are many more signs, so many that it is no longer a matter of ”if they are and item or not” but ”how to support them.” Namjoon shakes his head feeling, as so many times before, powerless in the face of their ARMY. He loves them, of course he do, but they are also like a millions of uncontrollably lovers; demanding attention and projecting things on to his members, making things trend world wide and fighting for BTS when Namjoon rather have them just to stay quiet.  
Jimin and Jungkook are staring into each others eyes, hugging and touching on his computer screen. In a combination of fascination and irritation he cannot stop watching, clip after clip. After a while of trying to understand different analyses, timelines of the ”romance”, reasoning and facts he also slowly starts to get it; this not only a matter of ”you see what you want to see” for many foreign fans it is not too far fetched to think that Jimin and Jungkook are actually together. And not just as in fanfics and fan made videos but for real, like real life lovers.  
How would they otherwise explain things like: Jungkook making films under the name ”golden closet films” staring Jimin with a song playing in the background that Troye Sivan wrote for his boyfriend. Jimin being the only member staying with Jungkook when he passes out during a concert. Jungkook changing place to stand close to and cling to Jimin on stage. And the extraverted skin ship, Jimin's hands high up on Jungkook’s tights. Jungkook massaging Jimin. The two covering a love duet not changing the lyrics but letting it sounds like they are lovers. The list goes on….  
BTS are also openly supportive towards LGBTQI+. If two members of a boyband were dating each other in the US or parts of Europe it would not be super strange. But they are Koreans. Do the fans even know how complex it is to be gay in Korea? Namjoon signs again and ends his little JiKook research with a video where he himself is also featured.  
He stares at his own long unruly body and stupid smile where he stands inbetween Jimin and Jungkook "to keep their hands off each other”. In the fan narrative of JiKook he finds himself turned into a boring party pooper, the one who is holding the lovers apart. He wonders if Jimin and Jungkook knows about this, not the fan made part, but people really truly believing that they are boyfriends. Probably not, Jungkook’s English is getting better but he doubt he would get all, or any, of this complex reasoning.  
Namjoon wonders what he as a leader can do to protect them from this mess. His spontaneous reaction is to make a similar video where he explains, or maybe shouts in an angry tone at the fans: Have you ever heard about homoerotic fan service in Korea and Japan? Skin ship between friends of the same gender? Do you, who are so into analytic thinking, know that in Korea we think about bodily intimacy with friends in another way than you do in the West? Please ARMY educate yourself before you speak! But that is not what a responsible leader does. No. Is there one part of all this analyses that is spot on it is his role as a boring party pooper ”a damage control”. He knows he has to talk to them, or Jungkook. He needs to talk to Jungkook.  
  
  
  
What did Jungkook think? During that specific moment he did not, that is for sure. Being on the hight of his emotions, and Jimin being so close, it just felt like a thing he wanted to do. But when Jungkook comes back to his empty hotel room after the concert the feeling of Jimin’s ear is still lingering on his tongue. And something else. Very embarrassing. A small moan in the back of Jimin’s throat, almost hidden by the screaming fans. But just almost. A small moan from one of his best friends, that is not what he is suppose to remember from a concert at the Rose Bowl. The repetition of the sound in his head still confusing a week later.  
Loosing track of reality he heard was a dangerous, but common thing that happens to superstars, and without realizing he must have. He tries to go back in time. When and how did this happen? He used to hate all kinds of fan service. When he first became an idol he felt totally lost when Jimin or the others flirted with him in front of the fans or the camera. His body awkward and strange. He did not like for people to touch him. And the other members of BTS, especially Jimin playing with him made him confused. What did it all mean? What did they want from him? How should he react?  
Then he slowly stared to like it, he liked it when the fans gave him attention and wanted to do anything to make them smile. He also liked it when Jimin gave him attention. So he started to relax and play along with the fan service. And all of a sudden it started to feel almost addictive. On stage he could flirt and touch, meet Jimin’s eyes a little too long, and everyone knew it was a game. As the game developed he transformed his stage persona into what most fans wanted him to be in relationship to Jimin, a self-confident flirty boyfriend type. And it was like another life was talking place on the stage, another possibility to live things out, things he would never do elsewhere.  
He thinks, as he so often done lately, about the lyrics of the song Idol: ”There are hundreds of me’s inside of me.” And suddenly the idea of many different personas growing in between him and the fans, in their joined imagination, doesn’t sound as beautiful as it used to. But more like a scary trap ready to engulf him. Is his ”gay boyfriend stage persona” taking over his mind making him a mad celebrity, one who cannot separate who he is from what the fans want?   
First he thinks he needs to talk to Jimin, but every time he tries he chickens out. So, he decides to let it be. He crawls closer to Jimin instead, clings to him even more than before, like a non verbal confirmation that they are alright. And Jimin does not flinch. As an answer to Jungkook’s worries he just hugs him tightly when they sit resting between schedules.  
  
  
  
Namjoon is nervous, unsure of what to say, when he knocks on the door to Jungkook’s hotel room. This is a talk he never ever thought he had to have with the youngest member. He wants to find a way to explain the problems of fan service without embarrassing Jungkook, and in worst scenario make him crawl back into that nervous shell he had as a teenager. Jungkook looks tired when he opens the door, dressed in black sweat pants and a white t-shirt, his hair in a mess. He also seems a bit on the edge, having no clue what Namjoon wants to talk about. So, Namjoon steps right into the room wanting to get straight to the point.  
\- Can I sit?, he says pointing at the bed.  
Jungkook nods silently.  
\- This might seem strange, but I found some things online, Namjoon starts.  
Jungkook seems a little startled.  
\- Okey?, he mumbles.  
\- At the end of the concert at Rose Bowl it seems like you were, hm, eh… nibbling Jimin’s ear, and it was caught on camera, Namjoon manage to get out of himself.  
Jungkook looks down into the bed sheets, suddenly appearing very young, almost like when they first met many years ago. Moving unrestly back and forth, he says nothing and Namjoon continues. Better just get this unconformable conversation over with.  
\- And online, it seems like a lot of the English speaking fans, eh hm yea, believe it to be the last ultimate prove that you and Jimin really are lovers. And it is not only this, hm.. happening. The nibbling I mean. But according to the things I have seen there are a lot of things building up that makes fans actually believe that you two are together. I know it might seem bizarre to you, but in the US, for example, the way you and Jimin touches each other, that type of skin ship, is not common among best friend. It is something… something only lovers do.  
He continues to explain almost as if he is lecturing, he thinks it goes well, he gets his points across. The fact that he really do not know that much about gay culture in the US or Europe, at all, he decides to let be unsaid. Better to sound sure of his thing for Jungkook to understand. And Jungkook listens with wide eyes.  
\- Do you get it? This is not only about you, and your fans, but Jimin as well. Your fan service is putting him in a strange position.  
Jungkook moves around again in the bed, looking pale and taken back. Namjoon lets his hand rest on his shoulder, trying to be reassuring.  
\- Jungkook, he says. This is not the end of the world, just tone it down and you will be alright.  
Jungkook does not look too convinced he will be alright, but more stressed out than Namjoon ever seen him.  
\- Have you talked to Jimin?, he says with a forced tone.  
\- No, I would maybe suggest you do so, Namjoon says. And Jungkook nods.  
\- Yes, I will, he mumbles with a colorless face. Can I be alone now I really need to sleep, he says, fear and panic in his eyes and voice.  
And Namjoon feels somewhere in between a failed parent and a successful teacher, but decides Jungkook might need some privacy to process all the information.  
\- This talk is just because I care for you, you know, he hears himself say oddly, before he closes the door leaving Jungkook all alone.


	2. I'm not a superhero

Jimin is sitting at his hotel room looking at some live performances of TVXQ in Japan when he hears a knock on his door.  
\- Jimin are you still up?, comes Jungkook’s voice, uncertain and tremulous.  
Jimin knows right away that there is something wrong. It has been over a week since the Rose Bowl, and Jimin has been doing fine pretending it never happened. He was afraid that it would change something in their relationship, that he would not be able to hang out with Jungkook the same way again. But pretending it never happened have kept them as comfortable as ever. Or; even more comfortable the touching between them increasing rather than, as Jimin feared, disappearing.  
When he opens the door it becomes even more evident that something is very wrong. Jungkook looks nervous in a way Jimin have not seen him in years. Biting his lips and looking nowhere but at Jimin, he reminds Jimin of a younger version of Jungkook. The confused teenager far away from home, not taller than Jimin, who did not know how to express his feelings at all. The familiar need to protect Jungkook hangs like a cloud in his chest. Jimin wants to scream; who did this? Who made you go back to this state of mind? His natural response is to take Jungkook’s hand and hug him tightly. Jungkook feels weak in his arms, just standing still like a confused ragged doll in his dark sweat pants and hoody hiding his hair and part of his face.  
\- Jungkook what… what is it?, he mumbles frustrated into the hug before he leads a still not speaking Jungkook to sit on his bed.  
\- I’m so sorry Jimin, Jungkook says, voice weak and regretful, still not able to look at him.  
\- I did not mean to hurt you or the group, it just happened. I thought, I thought it would make our fans, yours and mine, happy. You know in that twisted moment I just wanted to give them what they wanted, I did not mean to start something wicked or dangerous. And most importantly I did not mean to get you into something you are not comfortable with.  
Jimin tries to breath normally. Jungkook is talking about the nibbling. That means he also needs to talk about it. It is actually happening. This is the moment when they talk about it. But why? It seemed to go so well without them talking. What can have changed to make Jungkook this anxious and in need of apologizing?  
\- I understand now, in hind site. It might be viewed as sexual harassment. Or, it might actually be sexual harassment. But I swear Jimin I did not mean it like that. I might have lost control over things, you know, once I started to give in to fan service, specially when it comes to you, I just went with it… But now that I have been made aware; I will not anymore. I swear Jimin I will never touch you again without your permission. I’m so damn sorry, I do not know what to do to make it up to you…  
Jimin looks at Jungkook’s stressed face, pale and regretful. And a thought hits him like thunder; this most be Rose doing.  
\- Jungkook, he says. Slow down, you are making weird assumptions of how I feel.   
And at that Jungkook finally looks up, his eyes puffy and red as if he been crying heavily before coming to Jimin’s room.  
\- Have you been crying?, Jimin interrupts himself, touching Jungkook’s cheeks with his fingertips.  
\- A little maybe, but me feeling sorry for myself, is not the main thing here. It is me apologizing, promising to stop being an uncontrolled maniac harassing my band mates on stage, Jungkook says.  
Jimin cannot stop staring into his sad but still breathtakingly beautiful face. How does he make that terrible sadness go away? How does he explains it without making it weirder or worse for them both?  
\- If I would have felt cornered by your move, I would have smacked your face, and you know it Jungkook, he says matter of factly.  
\- I mean…. what do you think of me? We have been hanging out more than ever this past week. If I had felt intimidated I would have told you. You have not lost it, or overstepped my boundaries. I leant back into you on purpose, and our fans loved our interaction. Who the hell have you been talking to? Twisting things like that?  
Jungkook looks puzzled, and then finally his face starts to relax a bit.  
\- So, you did not feel harassed? You felt okey? Fine? Like we where doing it together for our fans? Jungkook exhales. As some sort of extreme fan service?  
\- Yes stupid, have I ever behaved like I felt harassed? Being on stage is a bit like getting really wasted. You get caught up in the moment and you do things you normally would not. The feeling on that specific stage, Rose Bowl, was so strong we needed to do something extra. And we did. Not only you but both of us Jungkook, it was a hot interaction for the fans. No hangover angsty feeling, please.  
At that Jungkook starts to sob quietly.  
\- Yes, we did, he says through his tears. Thank you, I am so happy to be at this place with you. I do not know what to do without you, I thought that I had broken your trust.  
He moves around on the bed before he lays down to rest in Jimin’s lap, head heavy on Jimin’s thighs.  
\- But what, or who made you think so?, Jimin wants to know.  
\- I did myself. Or hm… it did not grow unbearable until… until Namjoon talked to me about toning down my fan service. Before that I felt like we were okay. But after his little lecture, I thought I might have lost it completely, not being able to read the ones I care for. The last hours I had the worst panic ever, trying to understand what went wrong with me.  
Jimin lets his fingers play in Jungkook’s hair, stroking it back from his face. The brown locks growing longer and longer every day, making him look more and more mature. The hottest sex symbol of our time, Jimin thinks proudly to himself.  
\- Did you tell Namjoon about this?, he wonders.  
Jungkook shifts in his lap.  
\- Our leader is not the easiest person for me to confine in, you know. And specially not when he is lecturing, telling me how things works in this world…  
Jimin can see a hint of a smile in Jungkook’s eyes and he starts to relax a bit. Jungkook will be alright, they will be alright. This will soon be a distant memory. But then Jungkook starts to speak again, slower this time.  
\- He had a strong point though. Apparently foreign fans have started to believe that you and me are together, and not as in a bromance or fanfic-thing, but really together. Like it is not a matter of pairing anymore but of how to support our ”great love for each other”. Soon fans will show up at concerts with pride flags with our names on them, Namjoon said. And Korean and Japanese news will find out when we are asked about not only girlfriends during interviews in the West but also boyfriends and our relationships with each other. There might be articles describing us as lovers. And photo proof taken by paparazzis, where we are just as touchy as we always are. Or maybe of us coming out from each others rooms. You know, things getting twisted between different culture codes. And it is not only because of what I did at the Rose Bowl. He was also talking about the video I made of you when we were in Japan, and how the song I used is about Troye Sivan’s boyfriend. And ”being in the closet” is an English saying about people who are gay, but not telling others. I did not think about that, or I thought about the Sivan song, but I thought people would read it as fan service. You know feeding into the narrative of me not liking you at first, not wanting to go on a trip with you, and then changing my mind liking you the best. But it seems like it have all been blown out of proportion. And might blow up in our faces. In all of BTS faces.  
Jimin does not know what to say. He feels anxious, nauseous, a bit like he needs to throw up. The beauty of all the different cultures of their fans suddenly turns into a big scary monster impossible to navigate.  
\- It is not your fault, I was the one who started this thing years ago, he manage to say.  
\- No, Junkook protests. What you did was clearly fan service, I was the one who blow it out of line and proportion. Not understanding what it might lead to.  
Jimin feel small, like he also needs to lay down. He pushes Jungkook out of his lap and spread out on the white bed sheets, before he turns to face Jungkook, who also turns around to look at him. What shall they do? He have no clue.

They both just lay, staring into each others faces, like the answer to all of this was in the other ones eyes. Jungkook still looks a little puffy and red, a face of someone who has been crying heavily. Jimin curls up like a baby hugging his own legs, the thought of their fans vivid imagination and what it may do to them and the rest of BTS hanging heavy on his shoulders.  
\- I don’t know, he finally says. Or, one thing I know; it is not your fault. And the more I think about it is not mine either.  
Jungkook smiles a little, his nose wrinkling as if he is thinking about a joke all of a sudden.  
\- I never thought I say this, but I think it might be the fans fault, he smiles. And Jin’s of course, at the end of the day everything is always the oldest members fault.  
Jimin laughs. Yes, he laughs in the middle of it all. And Jungkook draws him into his broad chest, and giggles cutely.  
\- Can I sleep here tonight?, he asks.  
\- Of course you can, Jimin says, feeling the greatest need he ever had to hold Jungkook tight through the night. He brakes free from the hug to look at him. God he is so damn beautiful. How can a human being be so hot and cute and everything at the same time? He let the sight engulf him before he makes another joke.  
\- As long as you do not tell the fans, or go on V-live while I am sleeping.  
Jungkook’s nose wrinkles again and he smacks Jimin’s shoulder half hearted, pretending to be upset.  
\- You will pay for this joke, he mumbles.  
And Jimin sits up on his knees in the bed preparing for a fight. But Jungkook does not attack, he turns around, away from Jimin looking into the wall.  
\- Seriously though what shall we do?, he whispers.  
Jimin let out a sigh. What is the most reasonable thing to do in this situation? Tone down the fan service, stop touching each other is public, Namjoon said. Jimin is not sure he and Jungkook can manage to do that, without being too obvious.  
\- Nothing, he says just as he realizes it. Nothing, just continue as always. Otherwise things might really be blown out of proportion. I can see fan videos about us fighting after the Rose Bowl. Or BigHit hindering us from loving each other. The fans starting petitions for us to be open. Nothing good will come out of us suddenly behaving differently. Maybe no more golden closet films starring me, but otherwise nothing.  
The more he thinks and speaks about it the more sure he gets, for once the leader is wrong.  
\- Yes, I think you might be right, Jungkook says his broad back hovering up and down, as if he is having problems breathing.   
\- But I feel so damn powerless in front of the fans sometimes, he whispers still facing the wall. How can something so beautiful also feel so scary?  
Jimin moves closer, pressing up against his back, hugging him tightly.  
\- I know, he whispers close to his ear. I know, but let's sleep instead of getting too deep into that fear.  
Jungkook shivers a little under Jimins touch, and leans into him. And Jimin feels his breath hiking, something unsettling tingling deep down his stomach again.  
  
  
  
Namjoon is not the only one who have been looking at fan made videos online. When Jungkook returns to his room early in the morning after climbing out of the safe arms of a sleeping Park Jimin, his phone is full of missed calls and texts. Rose wants to speak to him. ”What the fuck is this?” She asks with a gif where Jungkook is nibbling Jimin’s ear. Then she demands him to call her when he is awake.  
Is Jungkook awake? He stares at himself in the mirror; a mess of feelings he don’t know how to name. Jimin's arms around his confused body, he wants nothing more than Jimin's safe arms around his body through this whole messy complex thing called ”being an idol.”  
But he needs to shift focus. From the Rose Bowl to Rose, Park Roseanne. Now. Although super busy with BlackPink’s schedule Rose is desperate to speak to him. He text her back: ”Are you free in like ten minutes? I’m alone at my hotel room and I might not be alone anymore today.”  
As he texts her, he thinks about Rose. When he started seeing her, she was like a breath of fresh air. Jungkook had always been popular among girls, and just as the other members of BTS, excluding Hoseok for what Jungkook assume natural reasons, he had have his share amount of secret girlfriends in the industry. Every successful man should be dating, right?  
At the same time it had always been something off with the feeling of it all. The game you were suppose to play, and especially when it came to sex… It seemed to him like all the woman he met had learned the same thing; to pretend they did not want to have sex. In the beginning he had a hard time understanding. He thought they simply did not like sex or even making out, so he just didn’t seduce his girlfriends. But then he slowly started to understand; they needed to say no, and not one time but many times, before it was alright for them to give in. Although in realty many of them might have liked sex just as much as he did, sex and wanting sex was shameful. He thought it had to be a sad patriarchal thing, but did not know how to help someone to snap out of it. And the game not only made him exhausted and sad, it also turned him off. Because the truth was; in many of his own sexual fantasies he was the one getting seduced, saying no but meaning yes.  
But Rose. She was so different. Jungkook did not know if it had to do with growing up abroad or if it was just her personality. Rose liked sex just as much as Jungkook did, and she was not shy about it. So, for the first time in his life sex was fun and hot, and unproblematic. When they got the chance to meet, that is to say, during the last months that had been it total; two times. And between that it was the texting. In the beginning of, the soon two year long relationship, texting was alright, because Rose was fun and he was super exited and proud she had chosen him out of all the people in the world.  
Yes, it was actually Rose who had secretly given Jungkook her number on a piece of paper after a show they both took part in. And just that thing alone was so intriguing. The other members of BTS had congratulated him. ”Damn Jungkook this means you are the hottest idol around.” Jimin had said with a big smile, looking almost as proud as Jungkook felt. When he first answered Rose he had been nervous about not being cool or good enough for her. ”What do I write to Rose, without making a fool of myself?” He had asked Jimin in desperation.  
But now. Now he hated the texting. Along with all the things he had to do it had turned into one more obligation, a feeling of never being able to give enough. He replied too late, forgetting, and then feeling guilty. But still there was the sex, the best he ever had. And Rose being a world wide celebrity like himself made things much easier, they understood each others needs, at least to some degree. A match that must be made in heaven, he had convinced himself time and time again.  
  
  
  
\- Hi, Rose says in English when her face shows up on his display. Her blond hair and make up free face looking less angry than she sounded in her texts. I missed you Kookie!  
He knows he should tell her he missed her to, but have he really? All of a sudden this relationship is starting to feel like his former ones. A tiering play. One where he needs to act out the part of the good boyfriend. Doing what boyfriends are suppose to do, but not feeling it all all. A fake it til you make it. But then ultimately failing to make it.  
\- Hi Rose, he says. What’s up?  
She takes a deep breath before she continues.  
\- I’m not conservative at all, she starts. I like to see you flashing your well trained six-pack on TV, for me it feels like foreplay, or a substitute for the sex we never get to have anymore. Your sexy dance, smirking at the camera, given it your all. You know I find it so fucking beautiful! And all the skin ship with your band mates, I have tried to be understanding because I am aware of the cultural differences, fan service and all of that. But nibbling someone else's ear is another thing. I know you might see it very differently being raised in Korea. But for me an ear is an ear, and a sexual act like that, is a sexual act, no matter the gender of the person you nibble or if it is being done on a stage. You and I have a monogamous agreement, and however I try to argue with my self; that is cheating. And in my life cheating is not alright. Not at all Jungkook. Specially knowing you can almost come from me just kissing your ears and neck.  
Jungkook stares at Rose, she feels so far away, in all senses. Where is she even? Korea? Europe? What time is it over there? How can he not even know where in the world his girlfriend is, what a terribly joke of a boyfriend. And what shall he say? He do not know what to say because he thinks… he thinks she might actually be right; that arousing sound of Jimin’s moaning playing in his head again.  
\- I did not think, he says. I was so high on my emotions performing at that arena and I just… I think I just wanted to give our fans what they dreamed of.  
\- What they dreamed of? Rose spits out. Do you know that many of the English speaking ones, and not only the ones that have been shipping you and Jimin, believe you are a couple, or friends with befits? Many are convinced that you two are having sex. Do you get it? I mean; why would you otherwise do something like that?  
Jungkook swallows.  
\- I was not aware of the foreign fans reaction until yesterday, when Namjoon told me, he stutters.  
\- And why did you not answer your phone? I have tried to get hold of you the whole night?! Sad as fuck, but also angry, she says suddenly looking more sad than mad.  
Jungkook does not know what to do, or what to say. Or maybe he does. Because there is no way he can tell her he left his phone in his room, to sleep in Jimin’s arms and keep her. So, if he wants to keep Rose in his life he needs to lie about where he spent the night. And he hates lying more than anything else in a relationship.  
\- I’m sorry, he says. Being so far apart for so long is tiering the relationship. When we met it was so perfect….  
\- This is weak Jungkook. Really cowardly. She interrupts, angry again. Are you trying to brake up with me, instead of actually answering my question?  
\- No, he says but realizes she is right. Or maybe… yea. I’m sorry. I mean... this is how it was; yesterday Namjoon had been looking at similar clips as you have, very worried he came to talk to me about it, and basically told me to tone down my fan service. I panicked, thinking I had been completely out of line. Like molesting Jimin, making him really uncomfortable. So after hours of crying and panicking, I went to talk to him. And ended up sleeping at his place for comfort. And not in the way you think, just sleeping together. We do that sometimes when we feel lonely. With Taehyung as well, and you know he is in a super good, healthy and committed relationship.  
Rose is quiet. And then for the first time, she cries because of him. Small tears rolling down her almost unworldly beautiful face.  
\- Yes, thank you for your honesty, she says. Now I also think we should brake up. I am not going to let my life, or our relationship, turn into a story about jealousy. Jealousy might actually be the most poisoning thing there is in a relationship. And whatever you say about your relationship with Jimin, I know I will not fully believe it.

  
Namjoon is eating breakfast in the small hotel lobby. Jungkook sits next to him. He views him silently; Jungkook looks tired but alright, and he wants to ask him if he spoke to Jimin, but he suddenly looks up.  
\- Rose and I broke up, he announces as out of nowhere. So, I guess we do not need to worry about all those pictures Dispatch have of us anymore.  
Then he looks down at his cereals and continues to eat, like nothing happened. Namjoon stares at Jungkook. Sometimes he so unexpected, Namjoon do not understand his logic at all. Although he just announced seemingly out of nowhere that he broke up with his super hot girlfriend, one of the most beautiful, talented and interesting woman Namjoon ever met, he looks much more relaxed than yesterday when he spoke to him about Jimin.  
\- Why, did something happen?, Namjoon tries hoping for him to open up a bit, so he can understand.  
It has been all too long since they really talked, and Namjoon misses Jungkook confining in him. The absence of his trust, makes Namjoon a little sad and worried. But he guess Jungkook must be talking to someone else about life and its complexity. Jimin probably.  
\- Nah, you know distance, two extremely busy people never being able to meet up. It makes it hard to keep the feelings alive. And texting, I’m not a text-person. And I guess she kind of is, Jungkook shrugs.  
\- Was it a mutual agreement?, Namjoon presses.  
He still do not understand at all. Who would not want to text with Rose? And Jungkook still seems way too calm to just have broken up. Maybe it has not settled in on him yet?  
\- Yea, yes, I guess it was, Jungkook mumbles closing down the conversation.  
But there is a look on his face that Namjoon has a hard time placing at first. Then he suddenly realize; guilt. Jungkook looks guilty when talking about Rose. Namjoon quickly decides that it would be too much to ask if he got the chance to talk to Jimin. Jungkook must have other, more important and urgent things on his mind right now.


	3. Going to that place that becomes clearer

In a backseat of a cab reading Naver News on his phone, Jimin feels calm. Jungkook sits on the other side looking out through the window, where the streets of New Jersey passes by. The white American taxi driver doesn’t seem to know that they are famous, and no fans are following them around today. It is just the two of them and it feels good. Relaxed and safe, in a way Jimin have not for some time now.  
\- Rose and I broke up, Jungkook suddenly utters almost like a whisper.  
Jimin looks up from his phone, confused.   
\- You…. What?  
\- We broke up, it is sad but I think it is for the best.  
Jungkook is not meeting his gaze, but stares out at the foreign country, big buildings passing by outside. Jimin's world is spinning. This. He never expect this would happened. Ever. He thought Jungkook finally found the one, after years of looking for love, dating beautiful girl after beautiful girl. In Jimin’s world, Rose and Jungkook seemed perfect together. It appeared a little exhausting to be so far apart, and Jungkook felt bad about texting and stuff, but Jimin thought it to be a small problem. Not one to brake them up.  
\- What happened?, he says not able to hide his surprise, and worry.  
All possible scenarios passes by in his head. Did she meet someone else? Cheat on him? It seems absurd to Jimin that someone would do that. Who would be able to match up with Jungkook? And Jungkook? He knows for sure he did not meet anyone else, because there is no way Jimin wouldn’t have noticed.  
\- It is complex. But I… I think the core of it is: I do not know if I was ever really truly in love with Rose. I know I had a big crush on her, we were attracted to each other. And, you know I told you; the sex was amazing. And of course it hurts, a bit. She is someone I care about and had a lot of fun with, and now she will not be part of my life anymore. It is sad, and at times I feel a bit melancholic. But there is also this other feeling, growing even stronger.  
Jungkook looks calm and content, searching for the words before he continues.  
\- You know, no more guilt or feelings of not being good enough. It was as if I did not notice before how bad the relationship made me feel… like I was going around unconsciously holding my breath and now I am finally able to breath. It might be egocentric and insensitive, but mostly I feel free. Free? Is that strange?  
Jimin looks at him. The radio is playing some unfamiliar American country song, Jimin thinks it might be about love.  
\- Do you know if she feels the same?, he asks.  
\- I hope… she will… Eventually.  
Jungkook seems to be thinking again, processing, what to share and what not. And Jimin suddenly realize this must be the first moment they have had alone for days, maybe since that night when they talked about fan service and slept together.  
\- So, it was your decision? How long has it been?, he asks.  
\- Hm, this might seem very strange. And I’m so sorry, but you are the only one I feel comfortable to share this with, Jungkook says taking a deep breath before he continues.  
\- She had been looking at the same clips as Namjoon, and tried to reach me the whole night. You know, the same as when I slept at your place. So, in the morning when I came back, I called her, and we talked. She was very upset, convinced that the ear nibbling was cheating.   
\- Oh, is all Jimin is able to say, so confused he do not know where to look or place himself.  
His heart beats too fast in his chest. He feels claustrophobic. Like he needs the car to stop, now, Jungkook’s body too close all of a sudden, like something in his smell or warmth makes Jimin’s unbalanced, sick. What is happening to him? He places his both hands on his chest, wanting to stop the manic beating. That unfamiliar song still playing in the background. He close his eyes, and suddenly as a flash from a clear sky he realizes; this must be even harder for Jungkook. The younger one has chosen to confine in Jimin. Share this mess with him. He needs to be reassuring. Wise and brotherly. Keep this maddening feeling far away and breath normal. Because there is nothing wrong here, nothing strange, more than Jimin’s crazy heart beat.  
\- But… but did you not explain to her that it was fan service? She is in a sexy girl group, she must be dealing with this as well, he tries.  
\- I tried at first. But then I could not lie about where I spent the night. For me a relationship might as well be over if I start to lie about things like that. So, I told her the truth, that we slept together… in a brotherly way of course, and that it was not the first time. And then she… She started to cry, and made the conclusion that we needed to brake up. She said; she would not be able to get around feeling jealous of you. And she hates jealousy.  
\- Jealous? Of me?, Jimin hears his voice going all out of tune.  
He do not know how to process all of this. At all. He do not know how to process all of this because it is truly absurd. How could Rose who have had sex with Jungkook, the best Jungkook ever had, feel jealous of him? Jimin, a straight guy, who will never ever get to touch Jungkook that way. That way? Suddenly a flash of pictures, all too sexy, of Jungkook’s body are all Jimin can see. It is ridiculous. Truly stupid. And he shakes his head desperately to get them out of his system. Wise and brotherly was the thing.  
\- To be jealous of me, sounds pretty absurd, like we are two Korean guys. She must know…. He tries.  
\- I know, but thinking about it, she is also someone who grow up in New Zealand, and is not that used to Korean thinking. For her; me nibbling an ear is me nibbling an ear, no matter of the situation or gender. But as I said, maybe even more importantly; I did not panic as much as I think one would if being in love. So, maybe it was for the best after all. Like there was a meaning, more than pleasing the fans, with the ear thing.  
The taxi driver turns up the music, Whitney Houston’s How Will I Know pumping in the car. Jungkook smirks teasingly all of a sudden and leans closer to Jimin to overpower the music.  
\- And you must understand. For her imagination, it does not help, that you are the hottest member of BTS…  
Jimin roles his eyes, but cannot help his laughter. How can Jungkook make him laugh again, in a situation like this? It is beyond him. The feeling of warmth taken over his fears. And Jungkook smiles proudly at his own joke.  


  
  
Namjoon and Jimin are waiting for the others to get their make up done before a recording. And it is not ultimate, but still good enough for Namjoon to take the opportunity to have a chat with Jimin. As a leader he needs to know how Jungkook is doing, and when Jungkook himself doesn’t want to speak to him, he has came to understand Jimin as the second best option. He also needs to ask him about the fan service thing, because unfortunately Jimin and Jungkook are as touchy as ever. And considering the unfortunate news of Jungkook break up, he have not had the heart to bring it up to Jungkook again.  
\- Jimin, he starts. Have Jungkook talked to you about Rose?  
\- They broke up, Jimin says. But he said he told you just after it happened. He was worried about those pictures of them, and thought you needed to know.  
Namjoon feels a sting in his heart. Is this what his relationship with Jungkook has turned into? He swallow down the hurt and continues.  
\- I’m worried about Jungkook, he seems to take it so lightly. Is he in denial?, he starts.  
Jimin stares down at his own hands without saying a word, an irritated look on his face. Held back anger?  
\- Jimin, Namjoon says. Speak to me? What is wrong?  
\- I don’t think you should be asking me about Jungkook’s feelings for Rose, it is rude. If he wants to tell you, he will, Jimin spits.  
A little taken back by Jimin’s sudden outburst Namjoon tries to think, there must be a missing puzzle pieces here, something he does not see. But what is it? Has he done something wrong? Can Jungkook and Jimin see his own dirty fantasies about Rose? If mind reading is not possibly there is no way, as he has never ever dared to tell anyone.  
\- Why are you so angry?, he decides to ask.  
\- Angry?, Jimin scuffs. This is nothing. You should know, I am holding it back right now.   
Namjoon searches for the words. He needs for Jimin to open up, at least as little so he can get a grasp of what this is about.  
\- To be honest, I’m just worried. Jungkook seems to have closed me off completely. I don’t know at all what is going on or how to reach him, Namjoon continues aiming for sincerity.  
But Jimin is still angry.  
\- Not a strange thing. What would you expect after accusing him of loosing his mind? If he was not as brave and came to speak directly to me, it might have turned really dangerous for the whole group, Jimin is almost shouting. You know, it was totally irresponsible as a leader to have that chat with him. Did you want to turn us against each other? Or, what did you think? If you needed to talk about fan service you should at least have spoken to the both of us, together. You know it was MY EAR? Me and Jungkook have always been doing the fan service together, it is A MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING!!!? And as you might have seen from all the videos you been screening so carefully, I leaned into him.  
Oh. Namjoon gets it. The fan service. This is about the discussion he had with Jungkook.  
\- So, he talked to you about it?, he mange to say sounding very small. I just assumed Rose got in the way.  
\- You are not only irresponsible, but also kind of bad at reading people, Jimin blurts out just before he starts to cry.   
\- And I’m not sad, you know, I’m crying because of anger, he says lips pushed tightly together in an angry line.  
And just at that moment, when Namjoon does not see how this could possibly get any worse, Jungkook walks into the room, make up and hair ready to go. He looks first at Jimin’s tears and then at Namjoon who is standing there as a big looser, not knowing what to say or do.  
\- Jimin?, Jungkook says voice cracking a little with worry.  
\- Don’t worry, I’m just, I’m just angry, Jimin bits.  
\- Shall I, shall I shout at our leader for you?, Jungkook says gently, his warm voice making Jimin smile a little through his tears.  
And that caring tone is also what it takes for Namjoon to manage to bring back some common sense, and his composure. So, this is why Jungkook has turned even more distanced from him lately? When he thinks about it, Jimin has not been as friendly as he usually is, either.  
His words might have been twisted and misunderstood, or he might owe them an apology, he is not sure. But whatever it is; he needs to apologize to make it right. Jungkook is already caressing Jimin’s arm to comfort him. And what would BTS be without that? Oh God Namjoon has really turned himself into the enemy, when there is no enemy needed. What was he thinking? None of them can help or control what the fans are saying. They are idols, their work is to be a projection of peoples dreams, may it be it an imagined love relationship between two male friends or something completely different. Namjoon looks for strength before speaking.  
\- Okay, Jimin, Jungkook, I understand I might owe you an apology or two. Seeing all those videos and comments I panicked. It was for your own sake, because I care for you. I mean you have not even done your military service yet, to have those complex rumors spread to Korea… I panicked, but that does not mean that my reaction was right. I should not have…  
Jungkook blinks and stop caressing Jimin’s arm, when realizing what this is really about.  
\- I should not have talked to you like that, I was out of line, Namjoon says turning to Jungkook. It is not my thing to hinder you from touching each other, or to do fan service when most fans love it. I’m terribly sorry.  
Jungkook looks very different from the last time he tried to speak to him, calm and confident. A grown up.  
\- The ear thing might have been a little too much, he says. I just got carried away on stage. And I will not make any more videos like the one from Japan. But we will not stop being close, or behave a little flirty on stage. Jimin and I have talked about this, and we think it will only make the rumors worse if we became stiff or distanced all of a sudden.  
Jimin nods in agreement as Jungkook speaks, and Namjoon notice that the tables have turned and now Jimin is the one giving Jungkook comfort to speak, his hands all over Jungkook’s back. If he did not know better it would not be too far fetched to think that they were actually in love. He feels like the third weal, a stupid party pooper, and most terrifying; a bad leader.   
\- It is alright, he says. Don’t think about it anymore Jungkook. I was the only one being out of line.

  
  
Jimin is smiling. Yes, he is smiling bright and wide. And Jungkook doesn’t know anyone with a more captivating smile. It is impossible not to smile back. They have just finished one of the endless recordings, he already forgotten for what, and Jimin asks if anyone would like to come by his hotel room and watch a movie or something. However, everyone seems like they have other things to do.  
\- I have an Internet-date with Yoong, Taehyung says, not even apologizing just looking as proud and in love as a person can ever get.  
Jungkook thinks it is cute, but also a little scary. All of a sudden the former flirty Casanova-like-person have became so dependent, it is crazy. Confiding in Jungkook with this weak voice that he is afraid of being away for so long because Yoona might leave him. And when he speaks to the older Girls Generation star on the phone he sounds like another Taehyung, someone tender and soft that Jungkook never met. And the most frighting thing is, none of this seems like an act, not all. Just embarrassing raw and truthful. What have Yoona done to Taehyung? Or maybe more so; what have they done to each other? Jungkook is sure he himself never talked to Rose like that.  
\- Say hi to Yoona from me, Jimin says and smiles again.  
And Jungkook feels his own face lighting up as by magic.  
\- Someone else who wants to spend some quality time with me? Maybe someone less in crazy love than that idiot?, Jimin tries.  
\- Ah, I have some work to do, Namjoon mumbles sounding much older than his age.  
Jungkook feels a sting in his chest for the young leader. Not intimidated anymore. Namjoon is really trying his best, although not always succeeding, his intensions are good. Jungkook just needs to give him some time and effort back, not just automatically assuming Namjoon is lecturing him to keep him silence.  
\- And I just need to sleep, I miss my bed, Yoongi mutters.  
The charm of a teenager or a grumpy old man. Jungkook wonders if he was up making music instead of sleeping again last night.  
\- Sorry, not today, Hoseok smiles.  
As often not really giving his plans away to the others, but behaving very bright and polite. Jungkook wonder how he manage to always keep it together. Where and with who does he crashes down? Or does he ever, crashes down?  
\- Not me either, this old man is in a terribly need of some beauty sleep, Jin shrugs patting Jimin apologetic on the head.  
Looking very handsome and not in need of sleep, at all. But who knows?  
\- I’ll join you!, Jungkook says. You know me, I don’t have anything better to do than to hang out at your place.  
And as he says it, he realize it is embarrassingly true, right now Jungkook cannot think of a single thing he rather do then to hang out with Jimin. He just wants to sit close to him commenting and bricking over some movie, and maybe get to fall asleep in his arms again. Jimin smiles at him again with those eyes, sparkling and alive.  
\- Yes!!! I do not want to hang out with the other idiots anyway, he says sending a glare at the others while swinging his beautiful arm around Jungkook’s shoulders.

  
The world and their carriers are speeding faster and faster, it is hard to keep track of where they are in the world or what they are recording or working for. Jimin knows of no other option than to go with the flow, keeping his head up high while working and working and working… And working some more. Early mornings and late evenings… there are always something they need to do, some place they need to be. Keeping up appearance and smiling as he goes. Different foreign languages flying around him.  
And every night he gives himself a gift, something that is not for the fans or BigHit but for himself. For himself he sleeps close to Jungkook. None of them have dared to comment on how it has turned into a ritual; sneaking into each others rooms and clinging to each others bodies after all of the work is done. Commenting on it might make it strange, when actually there is no need for it to feel strange at all. Jungkook just broke up with his girlfriend and might feel a bit lonely, Jimin thinks. And Jimin. Jimin, he always feels lonely.  
Sometime, not too long ago he thought romantic love was the answer. He day dreamt about finding the right one, settle down and even marry. He just needed to find that special someone who truly understood him and ultimately his lonely feelings would go away. But now he has started to think he never will. And sleeping next to Jungkook is a way better cure for his sadness and loneliness than all the dating and texting he has ever done.  
\- Hey, playboy, Jungkook says one late night when they lay close together on his bed somewhere in São Paulo.  
\- How is it going with Nayeon? Are you still texting with her?  
Jimin turns around to look at Jungkook’s playful look very close to his own face.  
\- Nah, he says. I felt kind of bad continuing considering she is in the same group as Jeongyeon. And besides that, I think we are way too different.  
Jungkook nods.  
\- Mm… Jeongyeon, he says. Don’t get mad at me now, but I think you two were actually a really good match. Maybe you should give it another go, like see if she might be able to forgive you?  
Jimin sighs, he do not feel like discussing his former relationship with Jeongyeon. Thinking about her makes him feel like a mean person. And normally he is not. Or, Jungkook has a point in calling him a playboy. Jimin is often texting with more than one at the same time, going on dates and flirting. But as soon as it turned more serious with Jeongyeon, he had stoped. It was just that according to others it was not soon enough. And although in his own thinking he had been desperately looking for love and understanding, in others thinking he had turned into a cheater, someone who two-timed or three-timed others. And the Korean entertainment industry being a small world who lives for gossips, it was only a matter of time before this information had reached Jeongyeon.  
Jungkook sits up in the bed and starts to box Jimin’s stomach playfully with his fits, as if he can see his raising thoughts and wants to stop them.  
\- Ah sorrry, never mind… I should not have brought that up, he says as Jimin tries to shield himself from his fits.  
\- Jungkook do you think I am a bad guy when it comes to dating? An egocentric dude?, he asks while managing to grab Jungkook’s wrists to protect himself.  
Jungkook stops the boxing, but Jimin finds it hard to let go of his wrists. They looks so strong, blood pumping through the veins, but also fragile, the duality makes him weak in his knees.  
\- No, no you are not, you are just a hopeless romantic guy who have not met the right one yet. A little like Taehyung used to bee, and look at him now, Jungkook concludes with a wide grin.  
Jimin shakes his head, a last look at Jungkook’s wrists before he lets them go.  
\- I’m not sure, he says. Lately I have started to think that I might not need romantic love after all. Love might actually been more of an unhealthy fix, one that also made me egocentric and insensitive to others needs. Not a cure to my problems. I might turn out to be happier alone. Not everyone needs a partner you know?  
Jungkook starts to massage Jimin's left arm a toughtful look on his face. Jimin wants to know how he can look so tender and hot at the same time? How did he grow into this wonder of a person? Turnig more and more intresting and beautiful every day. Will he ever stop evolving?  
\- Yea, I see what you mean, Jungkook says. I kind of feel the same right now, but I do not know about the future. Some people are of course happier to be single; it can be a possibility to give space for other things in life. And I think it is good for you to focus on yourself. But, I still think you are the type who will fall madly in love someday… I can see you risking it all for that one woman….  
Jimin shrugs and looks at the time on his phone, realizing they should get some sleep.  
\- Maybe, he says. But we should really get some sleep now, we are performing tomorrow. Jungkook nods, not even asking or suggesting anything about staying or leaving Jimin’s room. He lays down close to Jimin, nestling into his side, closes his eyes and grabs Jimin's hand to continue to massage him.  
\- I don’t even have the energy to brush my teeth, he concludes. And Jimin also closes his eyes, feeling Jungkooks fingers moving in circles to make his stiff hand relax.

  
Namjoon knows he should let it go. He have already argued with himself a hundred times, and told Jungkook he is sorry. But his growing worry won’t let him. It is like a bad spell. Once he stumbled upon those videos, he cannot stop thinking about them. He thinks about them until he is totally convinced that the stories and gossip about JiKook is what is going to brake BTS. The paranoia of a leader? He tries to talk to Yoongi about it, but he just chuckles a bit and tells him he is overacting.   
\- There will always be fans or people like that, if you start to think… or even worse try to control what people write about us you will go mad. We signed up to be idols for fans to have someone to project on to. So let them project! You know it is not an easy job, but someones got to do it….  
Logically he knows he is right. Yoongi is always right. And at times he thinks the same. But then comes the panic again. Why does he feel like he should be doing something? Like he is not doing enough? It does not help that he has started to see what the fans see. He notice how Jimin and Jungkook look at each other with those sparkling eyes, always sticking up for each other or looking for the others support. More and more keeping together. Namjoon even suspect that they sleep at each others hotel rooms sometimes. What if the fans found out? Or even worse; some terribly foreign gossip site? The whole of BTS, but specially Jungkook and Jimin are starting to get pretty famous in the US. Namjoon knows that they are not boyfriends or having sex, but gossip can be very dangerous even if it is not true. And most people do not know Jimin and Jungkook like Namjoon does, and for them it is actually not weird to misunderstand.  
He cannot tell them to stop being so close, or tone it down when they are being filmed. They really had a strong point about the stiffness and the worry it might start among not only shippers but all of the fans. Namjoon also wants them to be happy. He always knew they needed each other. And after their talk he is even more convinced; Jimin and Jungkook would not be able to handle the situation of being stars without leaning on each other. But then; what can he do?  
It hits him like a crazy thought; the first thing he actually felt like doing after he found the video of the nibbling. And then it starts to grow on him, like why not? Better to at least try to do something. If nothing else then to handle his own paranoia. So, he starts to make his own video about JiKook, not as Namjoon or RM of course, but as ”a Korean BTS-fan who also works within the Kpop industry.”  
BTS have a crazy tight schedule, but he manage to find time at night. He takes all of the most famous JiKook moments and explains them from a cultural perspective, showing other examples of skin ship between Korean male friends, other fan service situations and so on…. The nibbling is the hardest thing to explain, but after some research he stumbles upon a clip where Got7’s Youngjae explains a situation when he seduces and touches JB in a playful way on stage. He said he just got the idea because he thought that the fans would love it, and they did.  
He also highlight how problematic it can get for idols if the fans cannot separate the stage persona and fan service from the real person. And shipping, he takes Yunho and Jaejoong from TVXQ as an example. How terrible it was for them after the band had split up and they were not even talking to each other, and still fans came to concerts with the others name written in hearts. He ends by talking shortly about homophobia in Korea, and how problematic this rumors can get for Jimin and Jungkook. ”Korean explain why JiKook must be lovers.” Her decides to name it as a click bait. He wants to reach the hardcore believers.  
He cleans all the tracks leading back to him, creating a knew e-mail address and google account, lying a bit. And then he post his work. It feels similar to posting a new song. A combination of nervousness and excitement. How will the fans react? What will they write and think, will they listen? He really hope they will listen.


	4. Like a butterfly

Jungkook can hear hundred thousands of voices shouting the fan chant. And he is high up on clouds. The Wembley in London is almost full. People are shouting in Korean, all these foreign fans who do not understand Korean, are shouting their fan chant. Broken Korean words fills the arena. BTS lightsticks everywhere, changing colors while they sing. Like glowing stars.  
They call themselves ”professionals”, but Jungkook will never ever get used to performing at an arena. There are no way to get used to this euphoric feeling. Spotlights flashes in his eyes, broken Korean touches his heart. He wants to reach out, be understood. Between the songs he tries his best to communicate with his broken English. And even if he is not there yet, he is getting there. Studying and practicing everyday to learn this language, so different from Korean. A new world opening up as he conquers the words and their meaning.  
A new world, and then there is Jimin. Always by his side, but also changing, just as the world, growing more and more captivating every day. And Jungkook cannot help but stare. Next to him on stage Jimin is a shining star. An androgynous, out of this world, beautiful super star. Dancing and singing like a magic force, a glowing wonder.  
Jungkook knows Jimin is nervous, but it is impossible to tell when he is shimmering like that. Jimin is often nervous on stage, and this is the Wembley. They talked about it beforehand; to not let fear destroy this moment. Jimin told Jungkook he was afraid not to be able to let go of his self awareness. ”This stupid voice in his head telling him he is not good enough to be on an arena tour.” Jungkook had told him, as so many times before, to let it go. That he is brilliant on stage. If Jimin could see himself from the outside, if he could se how he shimmers now… He wants to show him, but he does not know how. He lets his hand touch Jimin’s back as he passes him by on the stage, and Jimin turns around with a small smile.  
Jungkook is also nervous to perform, but mostly before and after. Was it good enough, always hanging like a question. Can he do better?  
In hindsight he can always do better. But once he is up on stage he forgets. Up on stage everything changes and he steps into another him. All those people, ARMY united, makes him braver and brighter. Stronger. Jungkook is afraid of many things but on stage he feels strong. Heart racing and blood pumping; the magic combination of giving it his all psychically, dancing until his body is almost collapsing and singing his heart out. He never wants to stop.  
When Jungkook comes down behind the stage to change clothes for his solo song, Jimin is also there, sweaty and beautiful, a worried look on his face.  
\- Don’t go too hard, you need to take care of yourself, we have many songs to go, he says.  
And squeezes Jungkook’s hand quickly before he leaves to change clothes. Jungkook wants to hold on to that hand a little longer, but there is no time. So, he shouts after Jimin’s thin back.  
\- I’m alright Jimin, don’t worry. And; you are soo good tonight! Really perfect!  
Then he is flying high up in a wire over the audience, in his solo. Singing while he looks down at the fans; phones filming, lightsticks blinking, different European flags and many small signs. Someone is holding a pink one; ”Jikook you are perfect together” it reads. And he wants to understand it as he used to; as a beautiful play. A fictive love story. But Namjoon’s warning rings in his ears. And Jimin’s varm hand, he can still feel it in his own. Jimin and him; perfect together?  
Yes. But how? Together as best friends clinging to each others bodies night after night in foreign countries. Together as anchors to hold onto in this crazy word. Together not to fall apart, not to be alone, not to loose control. Or; together to loose control, to never ever sleep alone again?  
Jungkook stares down at all of those faces, a little bit like demanding lovers. Perfectly beautiful but also complex. Love is never easy, is it? Jungkook thinks about Jimin, he wants to protect him from that sign. He wants to protect him from everything vague and scary, from insecurities, from misunderstanding and mean comments, but he does not know how. So, Jungkook sings. He sings while staring into all of BTS uncontrollably lovers out there. And they sing back, knowing all of the lyrics by heart, stars and tears in their eyes. He thinks about all the problematics of being an idol. A world wide famous person who fumbles around, like everyone else, searching for ways to handle the complex love he has been given.  
And he knows. Right there on the stage the complexity will always be worth it for him.  
When he comes down, he cannot wait to fly again. He wants to fly high up in the sky, becoming strong for their ARMY.

The alarm is awakening Jimin who finds himself close to Jungkook. Wearing only boxers and t-shirts, they must somehow have manage to fall asleep in each others arms again, after yesterdays epic arena show at the Wembley. Jimin remember Jungkook crying on stage, and he smiles. His head is resting on Jungkook’s stomach. First he thinks Jungkook is still asleep, but then he feels something hard pulsating against his own chest. And when he looks up Jungkook is looking down on him with a look he does not think he has ever seen before. Lips a little parted and eyes wide open. He does not move away from Jimin. It all happens so quickly, Jimin still have sleep in his eyes. Why does Jungkook not move away from him, when it is clear that Jimin can feel his morning arousal? Jimin meets his gaze and without daring to really think he moves his hands. He moves them up to that taunting pulsating against his chest, never letting go of Jungkook’s eyes.  
And Jungkook bite his lip, looking a little similar to when he is about to cry. But he does not cry. When Jimin’s hands touches the thin material of his boxers he feels a twisting in his hands, and Jungkook grasps, a small wrinkle appearing between his dark eyebrows. Jimin have never ever touched another mans erection before, and he does not think he would ever feel the need to.  
But now? He tries to hold it back, but he cannot help but grasp at the feeling of it as well. How can this little movement, this little touch feel so powerful, like magic. He is not sleepy or tiered anymore, no. Jimin’s whole body is alive. Awakening from some kind of sleep he did not even know he was in.  
He tears his eyes away from Jungkook's face, to look at his own small hands on the bulge. And this other thought hits him; this might be his only chance to ever experience this. It is clear that Jungkook is in need of a release. And right now Jimin is here with his hands. So, he is going to do this. He is going to continue, ignoring his heart beating like crazy. Ignoring his own embarrassingly hard erection. He doesn’t say a word, because he knows that if he starts to speak this moment might be over and gone. He just simply let his hands slides down under Jungkook’s boxers. And Jungkook doesn’t say a word either.  
No the dazzling Jungkook just makes a sound again, so beautiful Jimin knows it will haunt him forever. He wants to kiss Jungkook face, touch him everywhere, but he doesn’t. Of course he doesn’t. If he would kiss Jungkook, his actions would turn into something very different from helping a friend release some tension. And he have no idea how Jungkook would react. He simply focus on the erection, he needs for the boxers to go away to be able to really touch it. So he grabs the boxers and pulls them down over Jungkook’s tights, ankles and feet. And Jungkook just lay there with this unforgettable look on his face, letting Jimin do as he please.  
He place himself on top of Jungkook, sitting on his legs, keeping them together like this was just another playful wresting game. Then he starts to stroke his erection. And at that Jungkook makes another moan and grabs the t-shirt he is wearing to cover his face, leaving his well trained chest and stomach bare. And Jimin wants to tear the t-shirt away to see that look on Jungkook's face again, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t, because he will not let greed destroy any of this. And this. This is more than… more than he ever knew he wanted. He touches Jungkook as he likes to touch himself, and focus on Jungkook’s perfect body, how it moves up and down under him. The powering feeling; to make Jungkook’s body shiver of pleasure is so overwhelming Jimin never wants it to end. He tries to take it all in, save every small movement and sound forever. Similar to the feeling of Jungkook’s sleeping body close to his own; a gift just for Jimin himself. And Jungkook bites into his t-shirt and make mumbly sounds, turning more and more incoherent and uncontrolled. Suddenly he grabs Jimin’s wrist.  
\- Jimin, he manage to say. I think I’m… I think I am…  
Jimin nods and makes a small sound, like he knows, and it is okay. Then he starts to touch him even faster, until there is this other new sound, a shaking body under him and cum on Jimin’s hands and Jungkook’s bare stomach. And he wants to… He must keep it together not to… tear that t-shirt away.  
He takes in the sight under him again, this wonder of a person, the most beautiful Jimin has ever seen. And all of a sudden he sits up, letting the t-shirt fall from his face, still breathing heavily. And Jimin is not in control anymore, he is sitting in Jungkook’s naked lap, letting him hug him, the smell of cum, sweat and sweetness.  
\- Thank you, Jungkook whispers with a dark voice full of tenderness. I really needed that.  
And Jimin do not know what to say. He is also so hard… he can barely move, and he knows Jungkook must be feeling it when he presses Jimin’s body against his own.  
\- Can I give you the same thing back?, he says as a simple answer.  
And Jimin must have said yes or nodded, because all of a sudden he is laying with his back against the madras, boxers down and there are no room for analyses or keeping it together anymore. Only stars and arousal, incoherent thoughts and fragments. Feelings. It is like he is about to burst out of his own body. Jimin have had sex before, not a lot but enough to know this is mind-blowingly good. He looks down at Jungkook’s hands and mouth on him. He do not think any of the woman he had been with would have wanted to suck him off. And he never thought it was something he wanted. No, he always thought of it as a little shameful and dirty, but as he lays there he realizes nothing Jungkook ever does feels shameful or dirty.  
Jimin thinks he is about to pass out, when he uses his last strength to push Jungkook away desperately not to come in his mouth. Somewhere blurry is Jungkook’s smile. And then there is the explosion, like jumping out of a cliff, and he has no idea of how he looks or sounds like. Cannot manage to care.  
Afterwards they just lay next to each other breathing heavily on the bed. Not knowing what to say, Jimin does not dare to touch Jungkook. It is all so complex, and at the same time simple. Two friends in a bed full of sperm. Jimin have heard of friends giving each other this type of favors, but somehow he imagined it very different.  
His thoughts suddenly interrupted by a knock on the door.  
\- Jungkook breakfast is served, you have one hour to go before the car leaves the hotel for the Wembley, they can hear one of the managers call.  
The calling makes Jimin feel very naked. What have they done? What if someone finds out? But somehow Jungkook manage to answer surprisingly calm and coherent.  
\- No worries, I’m awake, I just need a shower, he shouts and then he looks at Jimin as if he is about to burst into laughter, a similar look as to when they were younger and had managed to prank some of the staff or the older members.  
And Jimin doesn't want to continue overanalyzing how to behave. So, he covers Jungkook’s laughing mouth with his hand, smiling widely at him. And then without thinking or caring about his bare body, all on display, he runs grabbing the shower first, before Jungkook gets a chance to understand what is going on.  
\- What the fuck Jimin you have a shower in your own room, he screams after him with a delighted laughter.

Namjoon is disappointed, used to millions of likes and describers he feels like the video is a failure. After five days it only has a little over 300 views. And three comments. Three comments!? It is absurd how much sleep he has been loosing to make a video that only has three comments. And the comments are not even good. One is simply stating ”Everyone with eyes can see Kookie is in love with Jimin.”, the second one ”DELULU ARMIES I’M FUCKING YOUR OPPARS” and the third one ”Jimin and Jungkook! Come live with me in Sweden. I have a two room apartment and no homophobia :)”  
He wonders what he can do to get people to notice the video. How does fans get their videos to stand out among all the other videos? What decides who’s videos will be viewed by many ARMY’s? He do not know. He has never been part of an international fandom before. Is his video not good enough? He recalls the beginning of BTS, this failure is much smaller but still somehow similar.  
One of their problems was playing out something they really were not; hard core hip hopers. He can see the teenagers that Jungkook and Jimin were all dressed in black, chains around their necks, giving it their all but failing desperate at appearing as dangerous bad boys. And himself, big sunglasses, and over hyped hand moves he learned from watching American hip hop on TV. It looked like a parody. It was not until they changed from pretending to be bad boys and hip hop to something more complex and multilayered, closer to how they actually are, that they really made it big. He decides to try to change his title, aiming for something closer to the truth.  
When he takes the video down, it feels good to see those three ridiculous comments disappearing from the web. He also decides to change the beginning a bit. Not claiming to be a fan anymore, but an insider close to BTS, who also loves them and thinks they are very important for South Korea. ”Korean insider explains how Western fans misunderstands Jimin and Jungkook.” He rename it, before he upload it again.

Maybe Jungkook should be concentrating on the choreography or his singing. This evening they have the second show at the Wembley in London, but the memory of this morning is so fresh Jungkook can still taste Jimin’s erection in his mouth.  
Jungkook has always had a hard time knowing what he felt for the people he was dating. He had wondered how other people so clearly could distinguish attraction from infatuation and keep them apart. Often it took months of dating and sex, before he knew. And even then, even with Rose. His feelings might never have grown from infatuation, to him actually being in love.  
But this morning all it took for him to realize his feelings, was Jimin placing himself on top of him, his hands on Jungkook’s growing erection. And as a bang in his head he knew; he was not only more turned on than he think he ever been, there was something more to it. His heart beating like crazy in his chest, the swelling feelings of affection for Jimin’s every move, the way he smelled, and the sounds he made. Yes, this endless tenderness he felt for Jimin. It all made sense.  
Jungkook was infatuated. The feeling new but at the same time familiar. As if something within him suddenly had matured and manifested itself when Jimin placed himself on top of him. Yes, the infatuation must had lingered for month, years even. A vague questioning, a strange confusion, and strong need to be acknowledged and cared for, to be near Jimin. He remember his own gaze lingering on Jimin in all of those Jikook-videos, and how they used to laugh at it. Now it is not that amusing anymore.  
They are all gathered before the concert, getting their make up done and eating. Jimin is sitting next to him, and in his world it seems like nothing has changed. He is laughing with Taehyung while his hand is playing on Jungkook’s thighs. In Jungkook’s world those hands all of a sudden feels like a reminder of all the things they could do with him, all the places they could travel and touch. But maybe their brotherly relationship doesn’t have to change just because of that arousing feeling.  
Jungkook’s feelings are something that is his own, he thinks to himself. If he can treat them simply as a beautiful gift. A private one just for him, they will all be alright. He does not have to share them with Jimin, or anyone else for that sake. Knowing he is infatuated and acting on it might be two completely different things in this situation, he realized already when it struck him.  
Jimin has taken his hands off of Jungkook, letting them rest on Taehyung’s thighs instead while they look at some clip on Taehyung’s phone. Jungkook studies Jimin’s big lips, small nose, sparkling eyes and lean muscular body. And as if Jimin could feel Jungkook’s staring, he looks up. A hint of a question in his eyes, and then that smile again. Small but still, the sight releases thousands of butterflies in Jungkook stomach. And he smiles back as a non verbal answer, to an unspoken question. The are alright. Just as with the ear nibbling, having a little morning sex is not the end of their friendship. Not the end of anything.  
He takes a deep breath, maybe it will get easier, less confusing now when he knows what it is? Maybe the romantic part of his feelings are unrequited, but Jimin still loves him as a friend. And even if it might be very inconvenient to have unrequited feelings for a man in the same boy band, it is also like nothing he has ever experienced before. There is no need for him to play that tiering boyfriend game, no need for him to be anything he is not. Still, he gets to have those beautiful explosion inside of him. Jungkook decides he is not afraid, or ashamed, he better enjoy this private gift, these beautiful butteries while they last.


	5. Someone stoped me and said;  you’re a singing star But I see no star

Jimin feels hesitant, the second concert in London and the after party is over and Jungkook has disappeared somewhere. All of the others are leaving going to bed. Should he go looking for Jungkook or go back to his own place and sleep? What would be the most natural? He feels a little affected by the wine he has been drinking. A little emotional. Suddenly there is this big lump in his throat, tasting a bit like rejection. Nothing as easy as he first pretend it could be. Did Jungkook disappear without telling Jimin because he feels strange about sleeping together after this morning? Has he turned to Taehyung for support now, sleeping close to his safe body instead of Jimin’s? Jimin who totally lost control under Jungkook’s hands and mouth this morning, not even covering his face as Jungkook so politely did.  
The wine makes the feelings even stronger, more confusing and sadder. There is this great melancholia filling him up and growing almost unbearable. Rejection, confusion and a feeling of lost? Has he lost his best friend now? He does not know how he will be able to cling to Jungkook as he used to when just the thought of this morning makes him hard.  
That damn body of Jungkook’s. That damn all of him.  
There is also this other frightening thing. Sexuality? It is as if something new has awakened in Jimin. He always found it more like an obligation to have sex. An embarrassing and often quite stiff experience; humping up and down, trying to perform. Feeling self aware and doubtful of what to do. He never truly lost control or felt this aroused by someone before. He thought his boring sex experiences was either because he had not found the right one, or because he had too bad self confidence to relax, or that the whole sex thing was kind of overestimated. Or most likely a mix of them all. But nothing about this morning felt overrated, and they did not even kiss. And his obsession with Jungkook’s body; it is turning totally absurd. From admiration and proud of being in the same group as him, to the craziest of fan objectifying and lusting over him. Jimin feels weak and stupid, but still horny. Horny?  
What if all of his sexual experiences has been bad, simply because woman do not really turn him on? As he dares to touch the thought he decides to shake it off. He never had a problem of getting it up, if he was truly gay he would not be able to have sex with woman the way he has. He decides to stop this terrifying thoughts. They will lead nowhere.  
He decides to stop this thoughts and the hesitation and go back to his room, without looking for Jungkook.  
How will he be able to relax next to him anyway?  
  
  
  
Namjoon cannot help but search for #Jikook on twitter when the after party is over. He stares at his computer; seems like there are a couple of interactions but no scandalous or too sexual ones. Jungkook mentioned Jimin in his V-live after the concert, but he did not say anything inappropriate. Namjoon takes a deep breath of relief, as he always does these days after checking. It has turned into a habit. Is he sickly obsessed? Maybe. But he cannot stop himself. He usually feels it when something is up. Like a sixth sense. And his feeling that this ship is going to end in a catastrophe just won’t leave him be.  
He takes a look at Youtube as well, but nothing new. Some romantic videos and some more analytic ones. The good thing about this, he thinks, is that he really has started to appreciate fan made things. Some of the video are like art works, extraordinary and brilliant.  
He checks out his own video. It is also quite good, he thinks proudly. And the views are already going up. Right now the new upload has 906 views. And six okey comments. ”Lesson learned; shipping is fun, but not to confuse with reality.” Is maybe the best one. Or; ”I would support Jungkook and Jimin if they fell in love. But I must agree assuming things they never even said is toxic.”  
Namjoon looks at himself in the mirror. A world wide star? Is this what a world wide star does when a concert is over? If people only knew. He takes up a new document and starts to write instead. Trying to understand what is nagging him.  
”An idol” he writes. ”Is there a way for an idol to be more than fans projection? Is there away for him to raise out of that projection and be seen as himself? Or is that when the real confusion and truly danger starts for both the idol and his fans? Because if the idol were to be idolized just as he is, something painful will have to brake; the projection, the filter, the blanket who protects both the idol and the fans from hurting each other.”  
He looks at his words. Why is it so hard to live as an idol, when it sounds so easy on paper? "Just let go of your image. Just let go of your fears.” He writes, but does not know how to. He thinks about Jungkook and Jimin. The picture of Jungkook nibbling on Jimin’s ear forever inscripted in his head. How can that one single picture feel so alarming? Idols do fan service. Fan service is part of being an idol. And Jungkook and Jimin are perfect idols, much better than he himself will ever be. They know that they are projected on, but do not overanalyze it too much. They play along with the fan service and knows how to keep the private; private.  
Namjoon looks at himself in the mirror again. He doesn’t look like an idol, and he hasn’t figured out how to be one yet despite of all these years. He doesn’t want to be misunderstood, he wants the fans to know the real him. Overanalyzing? He is constantly overanalyzing. Maybe he should have become a visual artist instead, or a writer, someone who’s work is on display, but who doesn’t have to turn himself into a work on display. A boy band star? His choice of career might be one of the most exhausting ones if you are the overanalytic type.

  
This is turning absurd, Jimin thinks to himself. He is sitting on his hotel bed, sobbing. A soon to be twenty four year old idol who cries over a favor between friends. It is not worthy. He needs to stop dwelling now. He needs to go back to the feeling he had when he grabbed the shower from Jungkook this morning. Carefree close friendship. They are friends, and he is not rejected. There was no suggestion from him or Jungkook for this to lead to more sexual encounters so how can he be rejected? For there to be a rejection there has to be a question. And the question here is more; why is Jimin loosing his mind over this? What is wrong?  
Jimin gets out of the bed and walks up to the full figure mirror. Looking at his overworked, intoxicated, slightly red physiognomy. It is embarrassing. He needs to snap out of it. Now. He raises his own hand and slaps his face, once and twice.  
\- Park Jimin, stop this nonsense, he says out loud to the mirror. Let’s snap out of it!  
And then he shakes his head furiously. And it helps. A little. He stops crying and decides to go and get some sleep. He cleans his face, undresses and crawls into the crispy white sheets. Letting the blinds of the big panorama window be open so he is able to stare out over London. Many small lights in the dark, signs of people being awake, just like him. Foreign non famous people who live their lives out there. The thought somehow reassuring; there are millions of other people with feelings, sadness and happiness, outside of the chaos that is himself.  
Jimin has slept alone most of his life, but now it feels like someone is missing. The warmth of his arms, the smell or his shampoo and breathing. It is incongruous. Jimin closes his eyes, tiered from todays performance and emotional rollercoaster ride, but thoughts still raising back and forth.  
A lonely unhappy Korean celebrity in a giant luxurious hotel bed after an epic arena concert in London; so very pathetic and cliché.  
  
  
  
Jungkook is mustering up the courage. He will not let this morning or his own private realization destroy his relationship with Jimin. He takes another mouth of red wine, examining himself in the mirror. Body sore and tired after performing two night in a row. He is proud to always give it his all, but sometimes he wonders how long his body will be able to keep it up without more serious injuries. He always forgets that when on stage though. Overwhelmed by the fans and the feeling in his racing heart, he just go all in. Determination and fearlessness is Jungkook’s strong side. On stage and in life in general. But somehow this feels very different. What is Jimin thinking? How does he handle not knowing? Or, not really being able to ask?  
Jimin is the one Jungkook always turns to when he needs to vent things. But this. Jungkook knows it will destroy them if he starts to talk about it. The earlier decision; not to be afraid or ashamed and enjoy the butterflies feels unattainable. Maybe it is the wine? Or Jimin not coming to look for him, that makes him feel so small and alone. A rejected lover? This morning had nothing to do with being lovers really, it was done as a favor between friends.  
But Jimin’s beautiful aroused face is on repeat in his head, the moaning, the coherence moving back and forth. The taste of him. The sight of Jimin sitting on top of him taking control, touching him in that demanding way that made Jungkook want to scream, loose control and never come to his senses. It is too overwhelming for him to be able to pretend like nothing happened.  
How can he go back to sleeping that close to Jimin, and keep it together? It seems undoable.  
And still he knows he has to do just that; because otherwise he will loose Jimin. And he cannot lose Jimin. Almost anything is better than loosing Jimin.  
He wonders what Jimin would say about the situation if he was not involved in it. What would he advise Jungkook? Not to let his fear or embarrassment stop him? To think about the other person’s feelings? Jimin seemed to like it this morning. When really thinking about it, it is no doubt he liked it. Jimin also actually started it. So why is Jungkook all of a sudden afraid and ashamed? Even if Jimin is not in love or intoxicated by Jungkook, he wanted to touch him like that. And that in itself is mind blowing.  
So, even if Jungkook’s thoughts are in scary loops, making him sad and afraid, he needs to muster up his courage. Facing Jimin is the only way to handle this. His luxurious hotel room feels frowsty, empty and lonely. He takes another look in the mirror, he looks worn out, older than his twenty two years soon to be. And he feels a little sick, as if he is about to throw up. But he does not throw up. No, he grabs the wine bottle and gets up. Determined and fearless even when scared shit.


	6. Please save me tonight

Jimin is still awake staring into the night, when he hears a knock on the door. His heart is on full speed when he gets out of the bed, put on a pair of jeans and a black hoody, and opens the door. The light flour into the dark room from the corridor, and in the corridor is Jungkook. An open bottle of red wine in his hand, the same ripped jeans as he was wearing earlier, the ones where one can see his bare knees, and a white BTS band t-shirt. He looks like he is freezing, or is very nervous. Or both at the same time. His brown eyes glowing like uncertain stars in the late night. Looking for comfort? He looks like he is looking for comfort. A flood of confusing feelings comes rushing over Jimin. He doesn’t know what to say.  
\- Come in, he says anyway.  
His voice small in the hallway. And Jungkook comes into the darkness of the room, and closes the door behind him. The warmth and presence of his body, the one Jimin have failed not to lust over the whole day, makes him dizzy.  
\- Sorry, did I wake you up?, Jungkook mumbles. I did not mean to disturb you, I realize now it is very late. I can leave, if you want to go back to sleep.  
Jimin shakes his head.  
\- I haven't been able to fall asleep yet, just laid here staring into the dark, he says matter of factly, and lights the two small lamps by the bed sides.  
A warm orange light spreads in the room.  
\- Do you want some wine?, Jungkook asks in a surprisingly shy manner. It might help you fall asleep?  
Jimin is unsure of the meaning of that voice. Suddenly he feels way too sober for this situation. Are they suppose to talk about this morning now? Or just sleep tangled up innocently like they used to? Was it ever even truly innocent from Jimin’s side?  
\- Some wine would be good, he answers.  
And Jungkook gets two glasses from the small shelf in the room.  
\- Here you go, he says and lends a full glass to Jimin.  
Their fingers brushes against each other when Jimin grabs it.  
\- Cheers, Jungkook says raising his glass, and Jimin lets his clink into Jungkook’s.  
\- Cheers, he answers.  
What are they doing? Jimin is not sure at all. He thinks they might need to talk about something, other than this morning. He is not ready to talk about this morning. Jungkook sits down on the floor, back against the bedside looking out over London, the wine glass resting in his hand. Jimin doesn’t dare to sit next to him. He has been sitting next to him earlier today even touching him, trying to act as normal as possible. But it feels impossible, unobtainable, when it is only the two of them, a bottle of wine, a gigantic bed, and London outside of the window.  
\- The view from your room is amazing, Jungkook says.  
\- I know, answers Jimin and sits down on the floor, placing himself closer to the window than Jungkook.

The whole situation is painfully stiff, both moving around not knowing how to really interact. Jimin does not want to think the though, but he cannot hinder himself. This might be how it feels like to be on a first date with Jungkook. Awkwardness and hesitation. A growing tension in the stomach, a desperate longing for him to give you confirmation of his liking. The way he looks; too far away or too close. The giddy feeling that dashingly but shy smile brings. And all of a sudden this other strange thought comes to Jimin’s mind; what if he was a woman? What would have happened then? Jimin would fall for Jungkook in blink of an eye. But if Jimin was a woman would Jungkook fall for him? The question feels dangerous. If he was a woman there would be a possibility of kissing Jungkook. Or if Jungkook was? If Jungkook was into men.  
He shakes his head furiously again. Not able to stop himself. Must be the wine. Jungkook smiles shyly. Why is he so shy all of a sudden it is confusing Jimin?  
\- What are you shaking your head at?, Jungkook asks.  
Jimin thinks this have to end now, he cannot take any more of this situation. The tension in the room is sickening him.  
\- This. Why are we so stiff? It seems ridiculous, he says.  
And Jungkook laughs, that damn nose of his wrinkling in perfection. Small lines under his eyes also wrinkling. And eyes glimmering in the late night.  
\- I think it might have to do with what happened this morning, he says.  
Although hearing Jungkook mention it is gives him vertigo. Jimin cannot help but smile back.  
\- Maybe we should let that go, he says. I cannot take this strange behavior anymore.  
\- Yes, maybe we should, says Jungkook not really meeting his gaze. You are quite good with your hands though…  
Jimin feels his face turn even more red than it already is from the wine.  
\- You cannot say that! He protests loudly.  
\- Why not? It is a fact, Jungkook says still not looking up but with a small teasingly smirk.  
And, Jimin doesn’t know what else to do or say then to smack Jungkook’s head. He lets one hand swing against him.  
\- Be careful of my wine, Jungkook laughs.  
\- I don’t care about your wine. If you talk like that again, I’m going to kill you, Jimin says.  
Dragging Jungkook’s wine away from him, he prepares for an attack.  
But when he throws him self over Jungkook to battle him, it feels so different from how it use to feel wrestling. He thinks Jungkook must hear how loud his heart is. The smell of Jungkook is everywhere. His arms are stronger than Jimin’s, but he still lets Jimin get him down one the floor. Laying on his back he looks up at Jimin with that face, not too unlike this morning. This morning? So many different emotions has passed by since then, it feels like ages ago.  
Jungkook attacks back, they rumble around on the floor until Jimin is on his back. Jungkook hovering over him. And none of them are giggling. The tension is overwhelming, arousing. Jimin needs to stop the wrestling now, otherwise it will be embarrassing evident how turned on he is by this situation. But he does not want to stop. Not at all. He feels alive. That newborn feeling of overwhelming attraction getting to him. He feels weak and strong at the same time.  
And Jungkook lets Jimin over power him again. Sitting on top of Jungkook pressing his hands slowly back up over his head their faces are too close for Jimin to keep sane. He feels intoxicated. Turned on and dizzy. The wine must really have gotten to his head. And he does not know who initiates it. It might actually be him. Is it him? All of a sudden their lips meet, and he is still holding Jungkook’s hands up against the floor, hindering him from moving.  
But he moves his tongue. Yes, Jungkook moves his tongue. Soft and warm first like an unspoken question against Jimin’s. And Jimin answers; all the things he do not know how to name or understand. He feels light, like he is flying. And nothing else but this feeling matters. This is all. All that matters. He thinks. Jungkook’s mouth on his mouth.  
Jimin let go of Jungkook’s arms, and Jungkook sits up. His arms flying up to hold Jimin’s body, never letting go of Jimin’s lips on his lips. And Jimin sits in Jungkook’s lap caressing his hair and cheeks. How can this. This must. Jimin moves his tongue and Jungkook answers. Jungkook moves his tongue and Jimin answers. They move them together, dancing in slow motion and then faster. They lay down on the floor tangled up kissing tenderly, holding each other heads and faces, bodies and hands. They close their eyes and then open them again, still kissing. They sit up again, Jimin pressed up against the edge of the bed, Jungkook all over him kissing. And then they lay down. And sit up, this time Jungkook pressed up against the edge of the bed, Jimin all over him kissing. How long time has passed? Jimin doesn’t know. It is like they started and now they do not know how to stop. Jimin does not know how to stop kissing Jungkook. He never wants to stop.  
He hugs his broad shoulders, his waist, his back and move his mouth as they lay down on the floor again. Jungkook pulls up Jimin’s hoody over his head, smiling into the kiss.  
\- Maybe we should move to the bed, Jungkook whispers in between the kisses so tenderly Jimin feels like he will brake from it. Can one brake from tenderness?  
Jimin cannot believe Jungkook wants to kiss him. Although Jimin is not a woman. It is unspeakably insane.  
They brake apart for a bit, and Jungkook takes off his jeans, a pair of black boxers under. And Jimin cannot help but move closer to Jungkook again, he feels like a magnet. Jimin doesn’t understand his own courage. When and how did he get this shameless? He grabs Jungkook’s backside, the well trained butt and thighs so arousing it drives him crazy. Touching makes Jimin loose control. He kisses Jungkook again, slowly. Feeling Junkooks hard-on against his own. Softness and hardness at the same time. He teasingly pull the BTS band t-shirt over Jungkook’s head leaving the upper body bare.  
\- I feel a little naked compared to you, Jungkook smiles, jokingly hiding his body with his arms.  
And that smile is like a thousands of stars falling from the sky and Jimin knows he doesn’t only want to kiss Jungkook, he wants to do everything with him. Everything he doesn’t know how to yet. This might be insane and he is not sure what it is, or means. But it does not matter. He wants to do everything with Jungkook.  
\- Okey, he says and starts to undress, first the jeans then the hoody. Happy now?  
\- Very happy! You should only know, answers Jungkook.  
Jimin wants to know what Jungkook is feeling, what this is, what they are doing to each other and why it feels like his own heart is going to explode? But he does not ask, instead he asks a simpler question. Maybe the only one they both can answer.  
\- This is not a one time thing right? This morning and tonight? Jimin dares to say out loud. I think it is quite addictive.  
\- I’m so happy you think so, Jungkook says.  
The window view of London behind him, a wide grin on his face, the widest Jimin has ever seen. Like he about to burst out of himself with joy.  
\- If I were to choose; I would spend every night like this, Jungkook smiles.  
No signs of irony or hesitation in his voice. And Jimin world is falling apart and coming back together again in that short answer. That short moment. A newly born world, before their tongues clashes together again on the bed.

When he wakes up Jungkook feels out of place at first. Where is he? What happened yesterday? Flashes of fear and hesitation, drinking red wine alone in his room. And then he sees the body besides him. Naked. Jimin is sleeping on his stomach naked besides him. Soft and muscular, thin and full, masculine and feminine, beautiful and sexy, all at the same time. A body like a wonder in the morning sun blasting from the window. And Jungkook grasp for air. He wants to punch himself, is this really true? A small headache reminding him of yesterdays wine. Flashes of kisses, of touches. He realize he is also naked, and he smiles.  
They could not stop kissing. He remembers hours of kissing, first on the floor with clothes on and then naked in the bed. Jimin moves around a little and makes some noises as if he is awakening. And Jungkook realize he must have stolen the duvet, because he is covered while Jimin is bare. He moves a little closer, trying to put the duvet over them both. But when the duvet touches Jimin he opens his eyes and looks at Jungkook.  
\- Hi, he says a little startled, raspy morning voice.  
\- God morning, I think I stole your duvet while we were sleeping, Jungkook says truthfully.  
Because he does not know what else to say. ”You are so fucking beautiful” doesn’t feel appropriate, and neither do ”You take my breath away, I’m going crazy.” Their naked bodies are so close he do not know how to breath normally. Jimin’s body so soft, warm and arousing.  
\- I think I need to try something, says Jungkook. Is that alright?  
However, Jimin is faster. All of a sudden his naked body is all pressed up against Jungkook’s naked body. Soft skin against his skin.  
\- This? While being sober, he asks with a warm mouth close to Jungkook’s ear.  
And Jungkook shivers. His hair raising up on his arms. And then they are kissing again. They are kissing with soft tongues until he is seeing stars and everything is Jimin. Jimin's smell and body. Then Jimin starts to kiss his neck. And he can hear himself moan. Jimin moves up to his ear. Nibbling and sucking, and his moan turns into incoherent sound. A flash of Jimin at the Rose Bowl. The Rose Bowl? It was only about a month ago but it feels like ages. A life time. How can? How can Jimin already understand what makes Jungkook loose control? He is so hard he might come already. He fumbles shamelessly after Jimin’s hands leading them to his hard on.  
And Jimin turns his body around with determined hands, so that he is behind Jungkook. At the same time kissing the back of his neck, and caressing his erection. And it is all Jungkook ever wanted. He crawl into Jimin and just let go of all of his fears. The world is flashes of light. Of warmth and feelings. Hard and tender, hands and tongue. His own incoherent sounds turning louder and louder into the otherwise silent hotel room. His body moving back and forth answering to the rhythm of Jimin’s hands on him. And Jimin mouth moving up to his earlobe again, and then back to his neck, and up to the top of his ear. So mind blowingly good, he feels like he is about to go truly mad.  
When he is about to come Jimin suddenly shifts side, pushing Jungkook down on his back, sitting on top of him again. And Jungkook might be obsessed by how Jimin fits so prefect on top of him. He feels filled up, on the brink of everything, instinctively covering his face with his arms and hands. But Jimin gently push them away.  
\- Can I see your face, please, he whispers with a cracked voice.  
It is so desperate and hot, that although Jungkook has never been able to relax and come when someone sees his face. He just let his arms and hands fall to the sides. Too turned on to care, too turned on to feel embarrassed or self aware, too turned on by Jimin demanding this from him. Too turned by all means.  
\- Thank you, Jimin whimpers.  
Then there is the explosion. Jungkook is falling apart under Jimin again. And it feels like the world has stopped. The world must have stoped. And Jimin is holding his hands back against the floor again, staring down at him while he comes undone. And he stares right back into the wonder that is Park Jimin, shaking and shivering, making faces he have absolutely no control of. And then when it is all over and he starts to come back, breathing heavily. Jimin starts to kiss his face, small tender kisses on all of his newly exposed come face.  
\- You are so fucking beautiful, Jimin breaths almost too silent for Jungkook to hear it. But just almost.  
And then Jungkook starts to cry. He has never ever cried after sex. But he cannot keep it together. It is all too much. He thinks he finally knows what it feels like to be in love. And they have just only started. What is Jimin doing to him? Jimin looks afraid. Panic in his eyes.  
\- Sorry, he says. What did I do? I thought you.. I thought you…  
\- Just. Everything… Everything as right as it can get, Jungkook manage to get out of himself.  
And Jimin smiles, that smile. That smile.  
\- I have never been this shameless in bed before, he admits. I do not know what you are doing to me...  
And Jungkook smiles trough his tears.  
\- Can I be as shameless and return the favor?, he whispers. After I manage to dry this stupid tears.  
\- They are not stupid, Jimin smiles.  
\- I never cried after sex either, Jungkook says. Don’t tell anyone.  
And as he says it he realize the magnitude of what they are doing. What he is feeling. Don’t tell anyone? However this progress they have to keep it a secret for the rest of their lives. And he thinks Jimin must be thinking the same. Because there is a sudden flash of fear in his beautiful face before he covers it with a cheeky smile.  
\- Nothing of this will ever leave my lips, Jimin says waving his hands in the air. It is between you and I, because I am good with my hands…  
\- You are really too shameless, Jungkook says before he hugs Jimin close, clinging to that body that holds it all. Both of them giggling high up above the rest of the world.


	7. Close the door now, when I’m with you I’m in utopia

\- Good work everyone, Namjoon shouts. Let’s meet in the room with the many sofas and talk things through before calling it a day. I’m so fucking proud of you all!  
BTS has just finished the first concert in Paris, and everyone is exhausted. One of the staff members gives Namjoon a big bottle of water and a towel, and he asks for a pen and a paper. And someone hands it over to him. He wipes the sweat off his face and walks towards the room where they are meeting. What can they do better tomorrow?  
He sits down and starts to scribble notes not to forget. The energy? They need to find a way to balance it between ecstatic, giving it their all, and slowing down not to burn themselves out. But also to have the energy to go all in at certain points during the concert, otherwise everything might look mediocre; like a dragged out tiering marathon. This is always a problem, not just on stage, but in their life in general. He writes a big question mark on the paper.  
Yoongi walks into the room.  
\- It felt good today, he says with a satisfied grin. Better than London even?  
Namjoon nods, and continues to write. There is also the placement on the stage floor. They have to go through it tomorrow again before the other concert. And the talk. Maybe they should try to make it more spontaneous, make room for things to happen? Not being this well rehearsed? Namjoon wants the fans to feel like they are really there, speaking directly to them, not just rabbling something they learned by heart. But it is tricky. Not everyone is comfortable at improvising infront of like 100 000 people. He is not sure he is himself.  
Hoseok and Jin is bricking outside of the door. And Namjoon ends his notes with one more big question mark. Jungkook and Jimin, he knows he promised to let them do their thing, but they seem to be clinging to each other non stop. And he is not sure if he is able to trust them not to do something like the nibbling again. An arena stage can be very seductive, and the fans love them together. They might be swept away again, wanting to give the fans what they dream of, forgetting the consequences. He might just give them a short reminder. ”Reminder?”, he writes. Not even daring to put their names down together.  
Taehyung walks in talking on the phone, that ridiculous sweet voice, Namjoon already knows who is talking to. He sits down next to Namjoon.  
\- I need to stop now Yong we are about to have a meeting. I miss you like crazy. I don’t know how to manage all by myself in that big hotel bed another night….  
He hears him whisper, looking so much like a sad puppy, Namjoon cannot help but laugh.  
\- Mmm I love you too. You are the bestest, I’ll call you later…, Taehyung ends with a pouting on his lips.  
Namjoon spontaneously roles his eyes, realizing afterwards that it might be a bit mean, but Taehyung is also quite good at being mean sometimes.  
\- Let’s focus on our work now, he says. Has anyone seen Jimin or Jungkook?  
The others shake their heads. Namjoon turns to one of the staff members.  
\- Have you seen them? We are about to have a meeting? He says.  
\- I think Jungkook was quite exhausted again, not like really collapsing. But he was sitting stretching and drinking water and Jimin was also there. But I do not know where they are now, she says.  
At that Namjoon underlines ”the energy”. The youngest one never seems to learn.  
\- Let’s wait a little more, he decides.  
And at that they walk into the room. Jungkook comes first, looking a little pale and linking alarmingly.  
\- Jungkook, Namjoon says. Are you alright?  
He nods.  
\- No worries, I just went a little all in again, sorry. The doctor looked at the leg and it is alright. I just need to stretch a bit and sleep.  
\- Okey, Namjoon says.  
But still feeling very worried. Memories of touring without Jungkook being able to dance comes as terrible flashbacks.  
\- You have to learn your limitations, he says.  
Jungkook nods knowingly. He and Jimin sits down, and Namjoon starts the meeting, going through the points och discussing them with the others. It is a good meeting.  
He looks at the last question mark. This is like walking on thin ice, he knows. Jungkook and Jimin are sitting alone in one of the sofas. Jungkook is halfway laying down resting in Jimin’s lap, while Jimin strokes his hair with a soft look on his face. They seem to be lost in their own world. Jungkook closes his eyes, and Jimin is leaning down over him to whisper something. No, that is not what he is doing. What is he doing? Eh? It looks like he is smelling Jungkook’s hair, a satisfying small smile on his lips. And Namjoon’s spontaneous thought is; what a damn luck no one is filming this meeting.   
It might be a terrible idea to bring it up again, but he doesn’t know what else to do. He takes a deep breath.  
\- And Jimin and Jungkook, he starts.  
They look up at him with surprised eyes, snapped out of their intimate bubble.  
\- Tomorrow we will be filming again, so no ear nibbling, okey.  
\- Ear what? Comes Jin’s voice.  
Jimin looks taken back. His cheeks a little red, like he is embarrassed. And he leans away from Jungkook. Hoseok stares at Jimin and Jungkook.  
\- What is this?, Hoseok asks with a look on his face that Namjoon does not understand.  
\- My fan service went a little over board at the Rose Bowl, but I have promise it will never happen again, Jungkook says with a dark tired voice.  
Jimin’s checks turns even more red, and Hoseok makes a strange face again.  
\- Maybe we should, change topic, Hoseok says looking at Jimin. Sounds like you already talked this through?!  
Namjoon huffs. Like Hoseok knows?  
\- Our fans service got a little over board, but it wasn’t only Jungkook’s fault, Jimin says looking irritated, cheeks still burning read.  
Why is Jimin’s cheeks red? Namjoon doesn’t understand.  
\- I thought we already talked about it?, Jimin continues with a nervy, irritated tone.  
\- Yes, says Namjoon. I just wanted to remind you. Because I am worried.  
He doesn’t say; seeing you from the outside you actually really look like you are in love. I am seriously worried. Stop being so damn touchy and flirty. No, he doesn’t have the heart to.  
  
  
  
Hoseok grabs Jimin’s arm on the way out of the meeting.  
\- I’m here if you want to talk about it, he says with a very serious look on his face.  
Jimin doesn’t know what it means. He shakes his head.  
\- What?, he says. There is nothing wrong. Nothing to talk about. Or I got a little angry at Namjoon, but we talked it out before. It is alright, nothing major.  
Hoseok looks apologetic, like he doesn’t know what to say.  
\- Never mind then, he says first and then he changes his mind.  
\- Or, I’m here if you need me. If you need advice. Or if things between you turns unbearable.  
Jimin inhales, what is this? Has Hoseok figured him and Jungkook out? And here Jimin was thinking nothing had changed in the way they behaved. They have always had a very close relationship. Now in hindsight he realize; a flirty relationship. He might have been drooling over Jungkook for ages without really understanding it himself. Is it possible for Hoseok to read the changes between them? Jimin only ever kissed Jungkook behind closed and locked doors. But maybe Hoseok could read his lusty eyes? This newly awaken crazy sexual desire for everything that is Jeon Jungkook.  
He looks at Hoseok.  
\- What are you implying really? I do not get it.  
Hoseok smiles a little sad.  
\- Don’t get mad at me now. But I think you have feelings for Jungkook, maybe you have not realized it yourself yet. And you know he is not the right one for you to fall for. But still. It might turn complex, so I just wanted you to know that I am here. And before you say anything; I do not think I am projecting, just because I’m into men. I know you well enough to read you. And that embarrassed look…  
Jimin looks down into the floor. And knows he needs to lie. He hates lying, but to be able to stay in Jungkook’s bed he needs to lie. He also has a terrible poker face and Hoseok is right, he knows him all too well. So what shall he say? How can he avoid this conversation?  
\- I don’t know, he says weakly. I rather not talk about it. But thank you for asking.  
Hoseok puts his hand on his shoulder.  
\- No worries, he says. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And there are many other hot men out there, that also likes men. And that are not Jeon Jungkook your straight team member.  
Jimin does not say anything. He does not deny liking men or say; I only ever cared for the not so straight Jungkook. Have you seen him in bed? No, he bites his tongue, and holds his breath hoping Hoseok will let it go for now.  
  
  
  
Halsey’s face shows up on Namjoon's screen, and his heart skips a bit. He thinks they really need to talk about it. But he does not know how to start, because he also wants to be a cool and open guy. One who does not care, or one who cares just enough to be cool about it; that hot make out session that they had last time. Halsey said her boyfriend was okay with it. They had a deal and making out with others was okay. As long as they did not have sex with anyone else they could do whatever. ”We both like a little bit of freedom.” She said. Namjoon however is not sure what he feels about that kind of freedom, but she never really asked him.  
\- Hey Namjoon!, she says.  
And he smiles stupidly, and knows; he will not be able to bring it up this time either. Instead they end up talking about Jungkook and Jimin. He is really going madly obsessed by his bandmates fictional romance.  
\- But I’m worried that people actually think that they are lovers, Namjoon explains. It might become scandalous, and very twisted between cultural contexts.  
\- But are you sure they are not in love?, she answers.  
Namjoon thinks about it for a second. Is he sure? He thinks so. They are very close friends who clings to each other for comfort. And if there was ever a hint of something else, how would they end up acting upon it? Or even understand it? How would they end up talking about it? He cannot in his liveliest imagination see it.  
\- Yes, he says. They love each other like brothers and need each other. But they are not in love.  
\- I don’t know them that well. But I’m not as sure as you, Halsey smiles. But in either way, I guess your concern is mostly about homophobia and how to balance different cultures and fandoms?  
Namjoon nods.  
\- Yes, I guess I’m scared of how to be inclusive and at the same time protect them from gossip and homophobia. I do not want to tell the fans that we are all straight, because that is so damn unnecessarily. And also untrue. But yea, I don’t know, I just want them to stop being so flirty. But when I try to tell them they always get mad, protecting each other like they were actual lovers.  
\- But what if they really like being flirty? It is not your thing to decide, she says.  
\- Yes, I know. But I am also the leader of the group. And I want to protect them.  
She laughs a little.  
\- Namjoon, as cheesy as it might sound; you cannot protect someone from what they really want…  
\- But they do not want each other, they just want to please the fans.  
\- That can also be a strong force, what someone lives for, why not let it be? Let them live their lives? For fucks sake; let them touch each others hot bodies if they want to. Who ever they are doing it for!  
Namjoon thinks for a second. Then he tells her, because it is Halsey. So easy and relaxed. Free and easy going.  
\- I made something quite embarrassing. Promise not to laugh?  
She nods with a serious face.  
\- I made a video claiming to be an insider, explaining why they are not boyfriends and how fans believing that can become very problematic, and then I posted it on Youtube. Now it got quite a few views.  
Halsey stares at him.  
\- You did what?, she screams a little too loud.  
And then she starts to laugh. She laughs and laughs, and cannot stop.  
\- Do you want me to post it, comment on it or like it... I mean to give it some legacy in the fandom?, she laughs.  
And then he laughs as well.  
\- No, please, I never want you to see it… It is all too embarrassing. I really need to stop obsessing over JiKook? Don't I?  
\- Yes, she still laughs. How about starting to focus on your own love life instead... Have you met anyone intresting lately, apart from me I mean?  
  
  
  
Jungkook closes the hotel door behind them, a wicked smile on his face. Cheeks a little pink.  
\- All alone at last, he says. What shall we do?  
He takes a step closer to Jimin. Standing very close. Oversized brown t-shirt and black pants. Wet hair, smelling like musk. Not yet touching. Jimin feels his own breath hiking and closes his eyes, waiting for all the things to come. But Jungkook doesn’t move, he just stands teasingly close, and Jimin did not know a masculine smell like that what was he needed to turn wild. Wild? The energy Jungkook’s body is sending out is ecstatic. Jimin opens his eyes, and looks up at him. And Jungkook is eyeing him up and down with sparkling brown eyes.  
\- Are you not tired? Jimin says, deciding to play along. Your leg did not look that well earlier. Maybe we should just sleep?  
\- Yes, maybe we should? Jungkook giggles.  
And then he starts to undress. First the brown t-shirt, then the black pants and his socks, seductive and slow until he is only wearing a pair of read boxer. Still standing very close but not touching. Jimin feels wobbly in his legs. That body, how can someone walk around with a body like that? It is unworldly. He inhales the smell, and then he also starts to undress.  
He undress while keeping eye contact. Teasingly and warm. First his thin striped sweater, then the black socks and his jeans. And then a wicked thought comes to him, he slowly starts to take off his black boxers as well. Who is this new wild version of Jimin? What is Jungkook doing to him? He can see Jungkook’s eyes go wide, mouth a little open, before Jimin lets his boxers slip down, standing all naked infront of Jungkook. Still daringly staring into those beautiful eyes. And Jungkook sighs long and deep.  
\- You win, he whimpers. But I don’t even know how to begin, when you are looking like that.  
And then his hands are on Jimin’s waist. Surprisingly clumsy, and Jimin laughs high and bright.  
\- Come on Jungkook, he says letting one of his eyebrows move up in an excessively flirty gesture.  
\- I thought the Golden Maknae was suppose to be best at everything?  
\- Ah Jimin, I feel shy all of a sudden, help me out a bit… Jungkook mumbles.  
Letting his hands move down to Jimin’s butt. And Jimin feels strong and beautiful. Beautiful and strong? Faraway from how he used to feel about his overworked body full of flaws. He can feel his erection slowly hardening when Jungkook touches his buttocks. And he cannot help himself, he lets a small moan slip over his lips. And when he sees Jungkook’s reaction he moans again, more like a teaser, staring into those eyes. Those fucking eyes. And Jungkook eyebrows move into that beautiful wrinkle. Turned on and pretty, he continues to caress Jimin’s back, sliding his hands between his thighs. And Jimin moan again.  
\- Touch me, he whispers like a prayer.  
And Jungkook touches him, he touches him everywhere, until Jimin is burning with desire.  
\- Carry me to bed, he demands.  
And Jungkook lifts his naked body up in his strong arms, carrying him to the bed where he lays him down on his back. And Jimin is lost in lust again. He draws Jungkook’s body in against his own body, desperately kissing him with all his mighty, before he switches sides to be on top.  
Jungkook on his back, like a landscape of wonder under him. Spectacular and unique, there is only one thing missing. Jimin moves down to take Jungkook’s boxers off. And then he is perfect. Jungkook is perfect. Naked and bare. Open and hot. A perfect world just for Jimin. And Jimin lets his hands and mouth travel, touching everywhere.  
\- Have I missed some part?, he mumbles. I don’t want to miss a single part.  
And Jungkook looks up to meet his gaze.  
\- Do you want to try to fuck me?, he says slowly.  
Like it is just a question, like any question. And Jimin thinks he is going mad. Are they both going mad? He, Jimin fucking Jungkook?  
\- Just if you want to… this is also perfect, more than I ever…. , Jungkook starts.  
Before Jimin’s interrupts him by kissing his beautiful mouth. And then he nods. He nods.  
\- I don’t know how to, but I want to. I want to do everything with you, he mumbles.  
And Jungkook looks a little shy but shimmery.  
\- This, he says nervously. Maybe this will sound very strange… I hope you don’t find it too strange. But eh hm… I kind of like it. Or eh I never been fucked by a man, but… never mind.  
Jimin looks at him, smiling. He cannot stop smiling. Why is Jungkook so cute all of a sudden? From hot, to shy and cute in a second.  
\- Are you shy again? You can talk about sex with me without being shy. I’m laying here butt naked you know. And I’m not the jealous or judgmental type. Or; I used to be kind of stiff, but when it comes to you I’m not.  
Jungkook moves around a bit under him before her continues speaking.  
\- When I was seeing Rose, she had this dildo, that we eh hm… used sometimes.  
Jimin thinks the normal reaction to a lover telling things like this would be jealousy, but the only thing he can think about, the only picture that is playing in his head is Jungkook being penetrated. Penetrated? He never really liked the penetrating sex he had with woman. But this. This might be the most arousing picture he ever knew in this world.   
\- Then you will have to show me how to do it, he whispers close to Jungkook’s ear.  
  
  
  
Fumbly and tender. Tender and fumbly. Another first time. Another jumping out of a cliff. Another type of gaining and loosing control. When Jimin comes inside of Jungkook it is not only a physical explosion. No it feels like Jimin’s heart explodes. It explodes inside of Jungkook, and he never ever wants to put the pieces back together again.  
Afterwards they lay tangled up sweaty and warm; a hotel bed in Paris like a sea of emotions. And Jimin cannot believe it has only a been a couple of days since he did not understand what was going on inside of him. Now it is all so very clear; he must be in love. In love with Jungkook. His best friend. Another man. If this means Jimin is gay. He do not care right now, because then Jungkook is as well. And Jungkook is all that matters.  
\- You are so fucking beautiful, Jimin whispers.  
And Jungkook looks so pleased that he wants to tell him again and again; more and more splendid things.  
\- And I think my heart just exploded inside of you, he smiles.  
And Jungkook leans in, kissing Jimin slowly. Hot and warm. His tongue on Jimin’s.  
\- Some other day, do you want to try to fuck me?, Jimin asks between the kisses.  
And Jungkook shivers, and then he nods. His hand moving down to Jimin’s butt. And Jimin moans into the kiss again and again.


	8. We bloom until we ache

Jungkook is homesick, he misses Korea. He studies the white clouds outside of the airplane window, they will be home in an hour. But as homesick as he is, the change makes him nervous.  
They are all going back to Seoul for a maddening week of repetitions before Muster Magic Shop. All staying in the dorm together to be able to focus, except Taehyung. Because somehow Taehyung managed to once again persuade the managers and Namjoon that he will not be able to focus if he cannot sleep next to Yoona. So, he is going to stay at his place, going back at forth to BigHits dance studio in a separate car.  
Jungkook wish he could persuade Namjoon to stay in his own apartment, although he has not had the time or energy to move in his things yet. He wants to tell Namjoon hee needs to stay there with Jimin, to be able to focus. But he knows however he tries to put this it will sound extremely strange; not something to ask an already suspicious leader.  
But how will they manage to behave with the others living and sleeping so close? He do not know.  
It is truly strange. They have just started and he do not know how he will be able to make it for almost two weeks without Jimin’s naked body. Kissing and fucking. Fucking and kissing. It is so addictive; a never ending story of possible ways to give and give in. Jimin under him, on to top of him. Jimin everywhere. Jungkook had good sex with Rose, but this is something else, something more. The euphoric feeling in his heart when he comes. The aftermath laying tangled up kissing. Never stop kissing, Jimin’s tongue everywhere. How his body comes alive. How Jimin’s body comes alive. How he never seems to feel the need to stop, to breath, to be alone. There might not be a stop to this, he thinks. There are no ways to stop.  
Jimin is also the very first man Jungkook have had sex with, and what is most surprisingly about that is; it is not as different from having sex with a woman. Just a different type of body, different shapes and holes. But still the same logic of listening in and getting lost. And Jimin. It might also be different because it is Jimin. The wildest and hottest one Jungkook has ever been with.  
He looks at Jimin’s face now, sleeping in the chair next to him, almost like a child. Who would have known? Jimin says he did not himself. He blames Jungkook for it. Jungkook chuckles and cannot help himself from stroking Jimin’s beautiful cheeks. Soft skin burning on his fingertips. And at that Jimin makes a small noice before he opens his eyes and smiles right at Jungkook. That smile that lights up everything. Jungkook quickly looks around, and all the others are sleeping; snoring loudly. So he does it. He pecks Jimin soft cheeks, first one and then the other. And at that Jimin also looks around before he grabbs Jungkook’s face and kisses him greedy on the mouth, tongue needy and hot. And Jungkook feels the rush of lust as a familiar force within him. He wants to press his longing body up against Jimin’s, not caring about the others. Not caring about management. It takes a true willpower to stop kissing.  
\- I missed you, Jimin whispers when they brakes apart. I missed you although you are right here.  
\- Me too, so very much, Jungkook whispers back. And it has not been a day yet.  
Jimin’s hand is in his hair stroking it back from his face, and then he leans in close to Jungkook’s ear with a teasingly smile.  
\- We need to find a way to be alone, I don’t know how to survive without your naked body, he whispers all too close, lips almost brushing Jungkook’s ear, and it sends shivers down his spine, making him crazy with lust.  
\- That is too mean, he whispers back. Stop teasing me!  
And Jimin laughs, stars in his eyes.  
\- I just don’t want the others to hear me, Jimin whispers pretending to be innocent, but this time really letting his big beautiful lips stroke against Jungkook’s ear. Then he looks around before his tongue briefly teases behind Jungkook’s ear.  
Jungkook shivers, he wants Jimin to continue, he wants to crawl into Jimin’s arms and loose control. But manages to hold it back. He tries to makes his voice seductive and dark when he answers.  
\- I’m so damn hard now, he whispers. And you won’t be able to help me with that for weeks…  
And at that Jimin smacks his arm.  
\- Now you are the mean one, he says and then he realize it might be too loud. So he whispers again, all too close for Jungkook’s sanity.  
\- Now pictures of different ways for me to help you with that will haunt me for the rest of the day, and night. Do you want to hear them?  
And Jungkook knows Jimin has won the game of lust again, because he can see where this conversion is going. And if Jimin starts to whisper different hot scenarios with that hoarse newly awaked voice he might come in his seat.  
\- I’ll give in, he answers still whispering. That might be one of the ways, and I do not want to come in an airplane seat while the other members of BTS and the staff are all around us. Let’s change the subject. What do you want to eat when we get back?  
Jimin smiles wickedly, and Jungkook realize what he just said, and what Jimin is thinking.  
\- If I where to choose; you. But I do not want to embarrass the others, so let’s talk about something else, Jimin concludes.  
And at that they both laughs so high Yoongi turns around gruffing.  
\- What the fuck, we are all trying to sleep here, he mutters.  
\- Sorry, Jungkook whispers back, while letting his hand slip into Jimin’s, holding it tight and not letting go until they land at Incheon airport.

Namjoon looks at his phone. Halsey just texted him. ”I think I found it, your video, it is so on point. Proud of you!” And then a link to his video. His video. Why? Why in the world did he tell her out of all the people? She is relaxed and non judgmental, easy to talk to. But he must have forgotten she is also kind of wild. What if she gets a crazy idea to like it or post it? He quickly puts his phone away before the other members ask who he is texting with. In the mirrors of the dance studio he sees their tired faces. Rehearsing and rehearsing and rehearsing.  
Shall he take the video down? She will laugh at him forever if he does that. Why is he such an overanalyzing nerd, a weak leader?  
\- Let’s go!, he shouts out with a manly tone, as to compensate for his weakness. We’ll take it one more time!  
Jungkook is up in a second standing next to him. And then Jimin, and Hoseok, and Taehyung. But the two remaining members look at him in disbelief.  
\- What? I thought we had it now, Jin protests.  
\- I didn’t, says Yoongi. But honestly I am too tired to care.  
They all laugh, and Namjoon tries not to think about how loud Halsey might be laughing at his embarrassing JiKook video.  
\- Yoongi always speaks the truth, drink some more water and relax for 5 minutes, and then we take it a couple of more times. Okey?, he concludes.  
Then he walks out of the dance studio. And after locking the bathroom door behind him, he opens Halsey’s text again. The best thing must be to keep the answer simple, pretend he did not care or worried as much as he does. ”Thank you. Always nice to know my fan art is appreciated” He texts.  
And then he leaves the bathroom to focus on the rehearsing. But a small lump in his throat just won’t go away.  
When they are finally back at the dorm and Namjoon has almost fallen asleep, she answers with a screen shoot from his video; Jimin is leaning into Jungkook’s arms. ”I’m getting obsessed by JiKook; they are so damn hot together. I feel like a fangirl all over.” She comments. And Namjoon wants to laugh, but he cannot. He is suddenly widely awake, looking at twitter again, search for JiKook related news.

Wakening up alone in a bed, suddenly feels very lonely. There is the alarm. And Jimin’s hands and body searches for Jungkook’s warm body, but there is no one there, only the bedsheets touching his tiered limps. Or, when he looks across the room, Hoseok is there, still asleep. And for some reason Jimin suddenly feels this overwhelming irritation. It is not Hoseok’s fault, but Jimin doesn’t want him there. The sounds he makes when he sleeps suddenly annoys him, the way his mouth hangs a little open and how he does not wake up by Jimin’s alarm. He wants him out of the room now. Why can’t Hoseok sleep at his lover, like Taehyung does? Or out on the sofa, just anywhere but here. Where is Jungkook, and what is he doing? That perfect body, the smell, the way he moves and the small but beautiful sounds he makes when he sleeps. Four days without it feels like years.  
Jimin regrets the decision he made almost a year ago to share room with Hoseok. Why was he always so nice towards the other members, letting them get their will; their own rooms? Why did he not tell them he also needed his space? Jimin looks over at Hoseok sleeping face, so annyoing.  
\- Hey, he shouts in irritation. Did you not hear the alarm?  
And Hoseok makes some strange sounds.  
\- Eeee, uh…  
Jimin gets out of his bed to grab the shower.  
\- We need to get out of bed and go to rehearsal, he says before he leaves the room, still irritated.  
He walks with fast steps towards the bathroom door, but before he reaches the door it opens for him. And the smell goes like a bang to his head and heart. Jungkook. A small smile on his face, tender eyes and wet hair, water dripping on his oversized black t-shirt. And Jimin cannot help himself. He knows it is crazy, stupid, dangerous. But his head goes bang and blank and he does not know anything more than the pulsating heat. And Jungkook. He pushes Jungkook back into the bathroom. Quickly locks the door behind them and pull that t-shirt over Jungkook's head. His mouth all over Jungkook’s chest, stomach and face as if he had been starving. He must have been starving. And Jungkook’s hands are in his hair and on his back and they cannot help but making incoherent sounds. Ecoing into each others. And it’s everything, then Jimin remembers people might hear them, so he place a hand on Jungkooks mouth and Jungkook nibbles on his fingers. He nibbles on them and Jimin feels alive again, he kisses Jungkook's earlobe and move his other hand down to his growing hardness. It is crazy, but he do not want anything but this in life. And then. Then there is a knock on the door.  
\- Jungkook are you done soon?, comes the voice of Namjoon.  
And Jimin stops moving. He takes his hands away, while Jungkook desperately tries to clear his throat.  
\- Yes, I’m done soon. But I think... I think Jimin was second in line… He answers sounding clearly aroused.  
And for a second Jimin thinks Namjoon will understand, he will understand and then everything will be over. But Namjoon does not know how Jungkook sounds like when he is turned on.  
\- Okey, but tell him to hurry, he answers very casual.  
And Jimin turns on the shower as a distraction, still fully dressed. And they hear Namjoon’s footsteps leave. And takes a deep breath. Relief. And what? What were they thinking and doing?  
\- That was close, Jimin whispers. I’m so, so sorry, I need to learn to keep my hands to myself. I know it is very stupid, but I felt like starving. If I do this again in the dorm, you need to stop me.  
Jungkook stares at him, still with bare chest, bare face and a soft turned on look.  
\- But I can’t, he says. I really do know how to stop.  
And then he moves closer again.  
\- Can I just stay here and watch you shower?, he whispers tenderly and Jimin nods, helplessly letting Jungkook undressed him.  
\- After this let’s keep some distance in the dorm, he mumbles.

Distance. ”Let’s keep some distance in the dorm.” Jungkook does it, although it is like torture seeing Jimin without being able to touch him. He focus on the rehearsals. He dances and sings his heart out. And goes to the gym although his body is already acing from all of the dancing. He feels restless and weak. He has a hard time sleeping, although he is tired all the time. He wakes up at three in the morning with a beating heart and a big longing in his chest and body.  
\- What is wrong Jungkook?, Namjoon asks.  
Because everyone can tell there is something different.  
\- I do not know, Jungkook lies. I just feel a little stressed out for some reason, but it will pass.  
\- Is it Rose?, Namjoon tries.  
Hearing her name feels strangely unfamiliar. Like they broke up years, not months, ago.  
\- No, it might be insensitive but mostly I feel free and happy it is over, he answers honestly. My restlessness is something else, I have been having trouble sleeping. But it is temporary, I will soon be myself again.  
\- Okey, are you sure? You know I am here if you need to talk about it, Namjoon says looking as nice and trustworthy as only he can. And you should go and ask for some sleeping pills, if you need them.  
Jungkook takes a deep breath, totally unprepared when it hits him; guilt. Guilt? Will this be the way they have to live their life now? Deceiving the ones they care for and that cares for them. He tries to push the thought back in his head, and smiles at Namjoon.  
\- Thank you, I will. And I think it will be better after Muster Magic Shop is over. I might just be a little stressed out over the short rehearsal time.

Deceiving the ones they care for? Jimin steals a glance from Jungkook on stage in Busan, and he feel like a teenager, a fangirl, a fanboy, a rush coming over him, his knees feels weak. Starstruck, lovestruck. And the fans are screaming.  
\- JiKook, JiKook, JiKook..  
Playing the familiar game of fanservice feels different. Jungkook’s hand in his, his eyes and face so close and beautiful it hurts. More than a play; a secret lust forever in-scripted somewhere deep inside of Jimin. The greatest of longings. They only have some more days and then they will be back to the hotel life in Japan. Back to sleeping close. But it feels like forever to wait another night.  
\- You two really went all in with the fan service today, Hoseok comments afterwards. Are you really okay with that?  
\- Mmm... Jimin do not know what to say.  
Lying has turned into a habit, but Hoseok is the hardest one to deceive.  
\- I... I actually like it. It is like this other life taking place on stage, Jimin tries.  
\- Hm, I think that is the problem. You might like it a little too much. When having time in Seoul I know where we need to go…  
\- No. Hoseok, stop this. I have a small weak spot for Jungkook, I admit it. But it does not make me gay in a sense were I want to meet other men. So just let it be, Jimin protest without really beliving his own words.  
And Hoseok shakes his head in disbelief.  
\- Jimin, he continues. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are deceiving yourself. Being gay is not only okay, it is the best thing that can happen to you. All of the most interesting people in world and history are gay. And you are missing out.


	9. Tell me all your names baby

At last naked in the arms of an equally naked Jungkook, Jimin dares to ask the question that has been haunting him the last weeks.  
\- Does this, us, makes me gay?, he asks.  
Sweaty and warm after hours of making out he feels so alive he wants to cry. It is such a relief to finally be back to the hotel life again. Back in Jungkook’s arms. He wants to cry tears of joy, but there is also something else darker creeping up. The world around them? Jimin has started to realize how much lying and deceiving it takes to be able to sleep close. Gay? What does it mean to be gay in this world, in his life? Is he gay? What will his newly awakened sexuality do to things as he knew them before?  
\- Do you think it is weird if I talk about Rose?, Jungkook answers thoughtfully.  
And Jimin thinks; is it weird that I don’t mind at all?  
\- I’m not jealous, if that is what you are worried about, Jimin says matter of factly. I was there when you had a big time crush on her, when you bragged about how hot she was... not to mentioned how brilliant your sex life was… I know it all.  
Jungkook looks embarrassed, like he does not know what to say or do.  
\- No, I really do not mind you talking about her at all, nor that you used to like her. Is that weird?, Jimin continues. She is part of you and your history. And I am so shameless I want to know it all. I would feel more jealous if you did not talk about her; if she was like a secret part of you I could not know about.  
As an answer; Jungkook's leans in with his soft tongue against Jimin’s.  
\- That is not weird, but beautiful, he smiles into the kiss. And Jimin's stomach fills up with butterflies. He will never ever get enough of this. He kisses Jungkook's beauiful lips tenderly again.  
\- Anyhow, Rose always talked about sexuality as something fleeting, Jungkook says with that cracked turned on voice Jimin has learned to know and love. She said it was better not to define it, but let it spark from different situations and people. Otherwise you would limit yourself. And I think I always knew deep down that is how it is for me as well. Even if you are the very first man I actually had sex with, my sexuality has always been fleeting. This; you and me, is not really as unexpected for me as it might seem to other more narrow-minded people. I like you, because I like you. If that makes sense?  
Jimin looks at Jungkook’s honest, open eyes, shimmering in the bed. And he searches for the words, how does he describe his feelings? And fears? He hates to admit that this wonder, the most beautiful thing he ever experienced, also makes him scared.  
\- I love that, but it is not how it feels like for me, he starts. Or I like you, because I like you. But I have always thought I was straight and just not that interested in sex. I don’t think I really told you, but I used to think sex was boring and awkward. With everyone I dated so far, I just wanted to get it over with; turned on enough to be able to have sex, but not enough to loose control or feel the wonder of it. But now, you know this crazy desire, I never ever want it to end. It is like something beautiful and wild awakened inside of me. A sexuality? All of a sudden I have a sexuality. And I think… I think that sexuality is very far from straight.  
Jungkook smiles, bright and big, a beautiful lighthouse in this frightening world.  
\- I think… I think you just came out to me, he says and kisses Jimin again sloppier and more desperat this time. Do you know how happy and honored that makes me feel?  
And Jimin kisses him back desperate and needy, while he lets his hands run down his strong bare backside, so strangely reassuring.  
\- Gay, he tries. Am I gay?  
Jungkook brakes away from the kiss to study Jimin’s face as if the answer to his sexuality lay hidden there.  
\- Yes, I think you are. At least for now it seems like gay is the word that feels closest to your sexual desire, he answers with a tender voice.  
And then he moves around in the bed so that Jimin lays on top of him. Stomach on stomach. And Jimin always feels so good on top of Jungkook, strong and weak at the same time. Proud but also scared. His eyes tear up, like a fountain from somewhere deep inside of him. And he dares to take it all in, the confusing mix of feelings; horiness, happieness and fear.  
\- You know, he says while tears run down his cheeks. I’m not sure… but I feel a little sad and afraid… like gaining a sexuality will make me loose so many other things in life.  
But Jungkook shakes his head furusly, his naked skin and muscles so close they almost feels like a part of Jimin.  
\- No Jimin, that is not true, it is not our sexualities that might make us loose things, it is stupid people, the norm and a homophobic society. Never ever think it is your sexuality that is at fault, he whispers close to Jimin’s ear.  
\- But I hate lying, I’m a terrible liar. And I might need to lie about this my whole life, Jimin protests weakly.  
\- I know, but who knows about the future world? Things are changing, and it might be very different. And right now we are in this together. So, if it becomes unbearable to lie we will have to tell people. And people are not as stupid as one might think, Jungkook tries.  
\- Do you believe in that yourself?, Jimin protests because he cannot help himself.  
Jungkook thinks for a while before he answers.  
\- No, he says quietly. But I hope so, because I want to have faith in people. And right now... Right now I’m just so fucking happy, and horny and gay for you. And you are gay for me.  
And Jimin smiles. Through his tears he smiles brightly at Jungkook with a feeling he will be alright. Even if the world is dark and scary they will stay close like this. And that will make it all okay.

Jungkook’s face. Jimin can tell right away when he jumps into the van; something happened. He turns around to look at him between Taehyung and Jin in the backseat. But his eyes tells him ”I’ll tell you later.” And Jimin nods as to say ”Okay”.  
He examines Jungkook’s face through the driving mirror. All the perfect little details that makes him more enchanting the more Jimin stares at them; the perfect sculptured nose, lips and cheekbones. Dark hair growing longer and wilder each day. He cannot really put his head around if it is something good or bad that happened. Jungkook looks worried, but not in a sad way. More like nervous, and…. thoughtful?  
The others are talking non stop. Taehyung is laughing hysterical at something Jin said, and Hoseok sings along to a silly song playing on the radio, while Namjoon tries to overpower them all with his loudest voice, close to screaming on the phone. Jimin wants them all to be quiet, to slow down. But even more than that he wants to hold Jungkook’s hand in his, but Jungkook’s beautiful warm hands are far away in the backseat.

Hours later they are finally alone, in a hotel room in Shizuoka, Japan, but the city or country doesn’t seem to matter anymore. As long as there is a hotel rooms; a safe bubble in the world where they can curl up in each others arms.  
\- I’m not allowed to speak about this, but something very strange might have happened. Or BigHit is still negotiating and discussing it, but they wanted to know what I thought, Jungkook begins as soon as they close the door behind them, eyes sparkling as he speaks.  
Jimin takes his hand in his. It is just as warm as he expected it to be.  
\- What? What happened? You know I won’t spill your secrets?, he says trying to sound reassuring.  
\- I might be going to London during the long brake and record some songs…., Jungkook says secretly.  
\- What songs?, Jimin asks almost bursting with curiousity.  
\- Ehhh… this is super crazy, promise not to tell anyone?  
\- You know my lips are forever sealed when it comes to you….  
Jungkook nods with a small knowing smile.  
\- Yea, apparently Ed Sheeran is working on a new set of songs that he wants someone with a more idol like feeling to sing. And I don’t know how to grasp this. But… it looks like his first choice is me.  
\- Ahhh WHAT!?, Jimin screams out loud. That is soo fucking good Jungkook!!! Jimin's whole body is bumping around with joy. It makes so much sense! You will be perfect for it! And then he hugs Jungkook surprisingly brotherly, like Jungkook had scored a goal and they were part of the same football team. And Jungkook starts to laugh hysterical.  
\- Hahaha… what was that Jimin? I thought you might be in love with me, give me a kiss instead of that brotherly nonsense.  
And Jimin laughs equally hysterical.  
\- I don’t know… and I cannot kiss you because I am laughing too hard… Why did I react like that?  
Jungkook smiles and then he looks at him more seriously.

\- It is fantastic, but also. Oh I don’t know Jimin, you know my English is far from perfect… and.. and apparently he wants us to work together with the songs and also include some Korean lyrics. And my writing skill is also, oh so far from perfect…  
\- Bullshit, your English pronunciation is very good. And when it comes to speaking you are getting there. And writing, you will be so damn good. Stop being so humble!  
Jungkook laughs and shakes his head.  
\- I’m not humble I know what I’m good at and what requires more practice. And it is also the others. Namjoon already knows of course, and he loves the idea. And that feels good, but it also puts a lot of pressure on me. He also advised me not to tell you until it was a deal, because he was afraid of jealousy and divisions within the group. I guess it is mostly Taehyung he worries about. You know how he can be?  
\- Ah, but we all know he is just insecure. And to be honest I think he should go home and study English before he gets jealous on this. Singing techniques and dancing as well. You are so worthy this. If he gets jealous, let him be jealous. I’ll handle him!  
\- But I also feel a bit like, I don’t want the group to… I don’t know… I wish we could do it all together.  
\- But Jungkook none of us would do it as good as you, we all have other things we are good at. But singing pop in English with an idol like aura, you are the one… You are a star! And I am so freaking happy for you. Proud! Can I be proud?  
Jungkook laughs.  
\- Yes okay, be proud! But you also need to help me practice my English, I really need to speed up my learning so it won’t be embarrassing. So I won’t embarrass you all! And you also need to come with me to London, so you need to practice yourself. I think I’ll be going with one manager only, and be given a lot of freedom. And my own flat. At least that is what Namjoon said.  
\- Wouldn’t that seem strange? If I came with you?, Jimin protests.  
\- We are best friends are we not? And maybe you would want to see London during your brake as well?, Jungkook smiles cheekily. It not strange and very easy to explain. The idea that Namjoon has been fighting for is also that we will be given the freedom to spend time as non famous people during the brake. So if we are lucky no one would ever find out, except that one manger that I need to have with me. But I will make sure that person will give me a lot of private space.  
Jimin smiles weakly and cannot help but picturing Jungkook in a flat in London. He himself is also there. And they are making out in kitchen, then in the living room, in the shower and in the big bed, without being afraid of getting caught. The rest of world far away.  
\- Okey, he says. I’ll come with you. I’m already having terribly romantic and hot dreams about this…


	10. Breathe a little slower

It might be one of the best things Namjoon have ever done; convincing BigHit that they all need a real vacation. And then traveling around with his friend in Europe. Watching art, not thinking or calculation on how to be a good leader. Just living and dreaming about other things, and writing… Namjoon loves to write, and during his vacation he has started to write poetry again. Not lyrics for songs, but poetry. And it feels different, less prestigious and stressful. Like something he does for himself, rather than for the fans or the critics. He also started to do some research on publishers, he has this great feeling he wants to publish things under a pseudonym. He dreams about it all the time; to write about love and politics without worrying about the consequences for BTS trademark or ARMYs feelings.  
When he returns to Seoul not a single saesang or fan seem to know he is back. And he feels light and bright. Just as in Europe he blends into the masses. Not as a star, but as Namjoon, a person like anyone else. With dreams and needs. He is wearing a bucket hat and a mask over his mouth. And dares to take the subway. At Digital Media City he splits with his friend to go back to the dorm and leave his bag.  
None of the other members knows that he is back yet, and that also feels so damn good after years of tiering responsibilities, thinking of BigHit, the fans or the members needs instead of his own complex longing. His own complex longing?  
Sitting on the subway with his bag infront of him, like any other young man, he feels happy, alive. Then he sees it; Jungkook's and Jimin’s familiar faces. A fan made ad calling out ”JiKook forever”. Their faces close together in a badly photoshopped heart. He studies it for a bit, and somehow it doesn’t seem as intimidating as it used to. The romance looks so much like a fictional novel, or an unrealistic romantic movie. He realize he have not googled or checked out hashtags for JiKook for weeks.  
And he smiles, brightly and wide. At last he must have gotten over of his unhealthy fix idea on JiKook. He jumps out of the subway humming happily, puts on his sunglasses and walks alone towards the dorm with the bag rolling after him on the pavement. Light and free. The sun is shining from a blue sky.

When Namjoon enters he hears music. He thought he would be alone in the dorm but Carlie Hanson’s Back in My Arms is blasting all over the apartment. And he walks towards the sound.  
There is light coming from Jungkook’s room.  
\- Jungkook?, he says but the music must be too loud for him to hear.  
So he walks into the room. He walks into the room, and Jungkook is not alone. No, there are two bodies there. Naked. And there is no question of what they are doing. But Namjoon doesn’t understand at first. He doesn’t want to understand. Who is Jungkook fucking?  
It is another man. And they are so tangled up, so into each other, they don’t notice him.  
Namjoon just stands there as a ghost in the room. And then like falling into ice water, like a heavy stone sinking deep down his stomach he understands. The worst of realizations. Jungkook is fucking Jimin. And Namjoon cannot help himself. He screams with a voice that doesn’t belong to him.  
\- What the hell are you doing?  
It happens in slowmotion, Jimin and Jungkook turn around with confused eyes. Scared and caught off guard. And he backs out slowly before he starts to run against the kitchen. Is he dreaming? It is his worth nightmare coming true. This is sick he thinks, bizarre.  
He falls down on the kitchen floor breathing heavily. That stupid romantic song about forbidden love still blasting from Jungkook’s room. What shall he do? What the hell shall he do? All the lightness and freedom he felt just a couple of minutes ago is gone. He feels a panic attack arise. It was a long time ago since he had a real panic attack. But he can’t hold it back. His lungs run out if air. He does not know how to breath. He must be dying. Is this how it feels like to die? Suddenly Jungkook is there, dressed in black sweatpants and a black BTS-band t-shirt. Why is he wearing a BTS-band t-shirt is seems absurd in this situation?  
\- Breath, Jungkook says slowly. Breath Namjoon.  
But Namjoon have forgotten how. He will suffocate. And then Jimin must have walked into the room as well, because his worried face is very close to his own.  
\- Breath, says Jimin. You are just having a panic attack there is nothing dangerous here.  
But everything seems so dangerous Namjoon does not know how to process it. He is passing out. How stupid can he be? Why did he not understand? Chasing after shadows when the core of the problem was here? Just infront of him.  
\- Shall I call someone? An ambulance, Jungkook says, fear in his voice.  
And at that Namjoon manage to shake his head, and speak.  
\- No, no… I will be... alright in a bit…  
He needs to take his responsibility, as a leader, and breath. Because this is a situation, no one else will ever be able to see. The smell of sex all over the two standing looking very worried at him. Jimin gets him a glas of water, and he manage to drink somehow. And he stands up breathing heavily. But still breathing.  
\- I’m so fucking sorry, says Jimin. Drink some more water.  
And all Namjoon can think is; drink water and breath. Breath and drink water. And then; Jimin is wearing Jungkook’s black hoody. How long has this madness been going on? What can he do? What the hell shall he do?


	11. It's too dangerous to be in this world

They sit awkwardly at the kitchen table; Jimin, Jungkook and Namjoon. Namjoon has managed to calm down, and are searching for the words. How does he speak the terrible things he needs to say?  
\- I think the easiest thing, is just to pretend you never saw that, Jungkook says with a distressed face. Pretend it never happened. You should never have to see that. I’m so sorry.  
This is the worst thing Namjoon ever had to do as a leader.  
Jimin doesn’t say a thing. He sits next to Jungkook looking much younger than his age. Glazed eyes and puffy cheeks. Hair a little sweaty, wet bangs, Namjoon rather not think about from what activity.  
\- You know I cannot do that Jungkook, this is all too risky, Namjoon says. What were you two thinking? You should have talked to me before you went this far.  
\- We did not think, Jimin says quietly. And once we started there was no stopping it…  
Namjoon shakes his head. He doesn’t ask how long it has been going on, because somehow he does not want to know. Are they in love? He does not want to know that either. Knowing too much might cloud his judgment as a leader. And in this situation he needs to protect the group.  
\- You cannot continue this, he says. Normally I do not care who you choose to have sex with. I mean; as long as you manage to keep it a secret, you are not paying for sex, and it is consensual you can fuck who ever you want to. But you must understand there is one great and very important exception; your bandmates. To start having sex with your bandmates might risk the whole group. What if you fall in love? What if you fall out of love? What if someone found out? Fans are already suspecting you… It is not a healthy relationship to have within a boyband, no matter how right it might feel at the moment.  
Jungkook looks like he is about to cry, fibbling after Jimins hands and eyes for support. But Jimin doesn’t move his hands. No, he stares straight ahead, looking like a dead statue, pale as the moon.  
\- You know I say this because I care for you, Namjoon tries. It is for your own sake, for your careers, fans and most importantly well being. This is not tenable. In any way. As I said, I wished you had come to talk to me before you actually acted on your attraction.  
Jungkook is crying, he is looking down in the table with tears running down his face.  
\- I am not sure that is your decision to make Namjoon, he says, sadness and hold back anger in his voice. You are the leader of BTS, but you cannot decide who I, or Jimin fall in love with. What happened to self love? Is that only a thing for the fans?  
\- I think... I think this will turn dangerous and destructive. And as a leader it is my job to protect you and the group from dangerous and destructive things, Namjoon continues.  
Because what else can he say? There is nothing else to say.  
\- How do you know? Jungkook protests with tears pouring down on the kitchen table. Jimin and I will find ways to figure out how to handle our relationship so that people won’t notice. It is really not your thing to interfere.  
\- I just walked in on you two having sex, Namjoon says hasher then he intended to. And it took you minutes to even realize I was there. That makes me highly involved in this, and also very aware of its danger. It is clear to me that you cannot handle it. What if it was someone else but me?  
Namjoon feels his heart race with fear again, he fight for air.  
\- Does anyone else know?  
\- No, says Jungkook. Or Hoseok have had his suspicions, but that is the only one. And he would never ever spill our secret, that is for sure.  
Jimin is still quiet, statue-like. Like he is holding his breath. Like all of his emotions left him.  
\- I think…. this is also a good opportunity for you to end this, Namjoon continues. With Jungkook going to London recording, it will be a natural brake when you do not have to see each other for over a month. When he comes back the attraction might be gone.  
\- That is bullshit, mumbles Jungkook. Bullshit…  
Jimin looks up, still deadeyed.  
\- Jungkook, he says with a very small voice, like Namjoon sucked the life out of him.  
Did he suck the life out of Jimin?  
\- I think Namjoon might be right, Jimin says.  
And at that Namjoon sees the real panic in Jungkook’s eyes.  
\- No, he hisses. No Jimin!  
Jimin is still not crying.  
\- Will you leave us alone Namjoon, Jimin says almost like a robot. I’m so sorry you got to see that, but Jungkook and I will need to talk it out alone.

When Namjoon leaves the apartment he feels empty. A failure of all sort. From happy and free to scared and lonely within the blink of an eye. What will he do if they decide not to split? Tell the company? Kick them out? He cannot kick them out of BTS, that is terrifying. Bizarre. He thinks about that dead look on Jimin’s face. Not even crying. And Jungkook’s words about self love. Was this a terrible mistake? What else could he have done? Walked out pretending not to see? Giving them his blessing? What leader of a Korean boyband would do that? A joke of a leader. He feels weak again. Someone ones said; weakhearted leaders are the most dangerous.  
And he needs to share his thoughts with someone, otherwise he might have another panic attack. But there is no one he dares to speak to about this.  
Or, maybe? Maybe there is one person who knows him, them and the situation of gay men in Korea, and that will never ever spill a secret like this. One who might already be suspicious. He calls up Hoesok, with a lump in his throat.  
\- Something very strange just happened, do you have the time to meet up, like now?, he says. And when Hoesok doesn’t even ask about him being back or what this is about, but simply says yes he starts to cry. He seldom cries, but he cannot help himself. He bawls on the street outside of the dorm, ugly and messy.  
\- Where are you? Shall I come and get you?, he hears Hoseok’s worried voice.  
Namjoon feels like an upset kid crying when the parents give them attention.  
\- Nah, I’ll take a cab to your place if that is alright?, he sobs even louder.  
And then he looks around paranoid on the empty street; God forbid anyone sees him like this.

Hoseok opens the door to his newly brought place with a scared look.  
\- What happened, I have been imagining terrible things for half an hour. Tell me quick, he says with a forced tone.  
And Namjoon almost starts to cry again.  
\- It is Jungkook and Jimin, he says with a cracked voice.  
\- What, are they hurt?, Hoseok answers desperately.  
\- No, no they are not hurt….  
\- Then what, tell me now?  
\- They are, or they were… fucking….  
Hoseok stares at him with wide eyes.  
\- WHAT!?, he screams. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?  
\- I just walked in on them at the dorm, tangled up and so into each other they did not notice me until I screamed at them.  
\- You, what the? I cannot… OR? WHAT? What… did you do?  
\- First I had the worst panic attack I had in years, but when they started to talk about calling an ambulans I managed to breath normally. Then. After that, I told them to stop. I did not know what else to do...  
Hoseok is quiet, processing the information a little too long.  
\- Was that like a terrible thing to do?, Namjoon feels his breath hiking again.  
\- No, no… Not at all, says Hoseok slowly and thoughtful. What else could you do?  
\- Nothing, says Namjoon. Nothing…  
\- I just... cannot process it… Jungkook is attracted to Jimin? A man? I thought he liked modellike women…  
\- One can be attracted to both modellike women and men, you know? Sexuality is not black and white like that. Even if I thought they both were too slow minded to know, Namjoon admits. Feeling terribly self aware and stupid.  
\- But was the sex a one time thing, or something that have been going on for long? I’m so confused…  
Hoseok shakes his head. And Namjoon feels his breath go back to normal, it is good, very wise of him to talk to someone about this. A weak leader needs his members, without them he is nothing.  
\- It didn’t seem like a one time thing, but I did not ask because I did not want to know too much. If I knew I might not be able to ask them to stop. And someone needs to be the bad one here… I mean this is scary and dangerous. Shippers are already suspecting them, going overboard with proof of their love. And who knows… they might not be going overboard at all?  
\- Mm… I don’t think it has been going on for too long. I mean Jungkook just broke up with Rose. But you are right, what did they tell you when you told them to stop?  
\- Jungkook protested, but Jimin stayed quiet until the end looking like I sucked the life out of him, and then he agreed. It was the worst thing I ever done as a leader. I felt so terribly mean.  
Namjoon wonders what they are saying to each other right now. Are they alright?  
\- Hoseok, do you think they will be alright?, he whispers.  
\- I don’t know. But I will take care of Jimin. I thought he had some kind of unrequited feelings for Jungkook. We have been talking about it. And he kind of, almost told me he is into men. Or maybe it was more me telling him he is gay. But anyhow, I’ll talk to him again. I’ll be there. I’ll take him out, get him to forget about Jungkook.  
\- Thank you! I don’t know what I would do without you right now…, Namjoon says.  
Hoseok lets his hand rest on Namjoon’s shoulder. And then he takes a deep breath before he says what they are both thinking.  
\- I don’t know about Jungkook though, if you are the betrayer and Jimin is not there who shall he turn to?

Jungkook is crying. He is standing infront of Jimin with tears pouring down his cheeks, like a heavy rainstorm in the kitchen. Hands hanging powerless on each side of his beautiful body while he pleads. Jimin sees it all, but he feels cut off from reality. Numb. There must be no other way than numbness, he thinks.  
\- I never ever felt this strong for anyone before… I’m not only high over heels in love, but you are also my best friend, Jungkook cries.  
His voice echoing desperately in the dorm. Jimin hears it all, but it is like a movie. Unreal. There must be no other way than closing off all the beautiful words, he thinks.  
\- Jimin, the damage is already done, how will we be able to go back to being friends now? Breaking apart will not save BTS or our careers, but the opposite. How will we be able to continue?  
Jimin closes his eyes, he needs to keep focusing on what he has set his mind on doing. Jungkook reaches out to touch his hand. And Jimin feels his ridiculously soft skin brush against his numb fingers, but he takes a step back as if Jungkook harassed him. Mean. There must be no other way than meanness, he thinks.  
Jungkook takes a surprised, and hurt, step back from Jimin’s hand.  
\- I will not be able to.. How will I survive without you?, he says before he sinks down like a ragged doll, as if he is unable to stand up.  
Jimin is still standing tall; numb, unreal and mean. Will he ever be the same again? He looks down at Jungkook who sits squatting on the floor, head hanging down between his broad shoulders.  
\- Yes, you will, Jimin utters stiffly. You will be alright. This is the only reasonable thing to do, and you know it too.  
\- No, it is not, Jungkook mumbles weakly still with his head down.  
And then he looks up at Jimin, wet cheeks and big brown almond eyes, a tender and open gaze.  
\- You know I love you, he says. There is no turning back from that.  
And those words. Those words hit somewhere deep inside of Jimin where he cannot keep up a fence anymore. Where all of his effort falls short. A storm in his head. A physical pain in his chest. It feels as if someone stabbed his heart. He shivers and falls down on the floor next to Jungkook. He does not know what to do with his acing heart.  
\- I love you too, he whispers. This is not about that, I love you soo much I don’t know how to describe it. But because of that we have to stop this.  
Then he also starts to cry, sobbing heavily. And Jungkook moves closer again. And this time Jimin doesn’t protest but let Jungkook hug him tightly. A sea of tears and fears. Sitting on the kitchen floor feels like sitting on a stormy sea. And they are a ship drifting uncontrollably. A ship in the storm. A ship soon to be the sinking. Jimin clings to that body and person who holds it all, desperately. Together. They are still in this together. And they cry in each others arms until there are no water left in their bodies. Then Jungkook asks him if he can sleep close to him tonight. And Jimin does not know how to survive the night alone so he says yes.  
\- Yes, but only this one night. My reasoning is still the same. But one more night, I need to hold you just one more night.


	12. When it rains, it pours

The timing is truly bizarre. When Namjoon arrive at home, closing the door behind him, exhausted after todays roller coaster ride of emotions, decisions, traveling and time differences he sees the text from Halsey. ”I’m so fucking sorry. I had a couple of drinks and my hands… I don’t know what I was doing, it was not on purpose. And then I tried to save the situation. I’m so damn sorry. Call me!?”  
Namjoon is unsure if he can take anymore today. But JiKook is trending on twitter. JiKook is trending all over the world. International ARMYs are going crazy. Several of hashtags and debates fills up twitter, tumbler and different blogs; shipping, believing, personal space and Halsey. Namjoon knows it will only be hours, minutes or seconds until the debate reaches naver, daum and the Korean fans.  
And Namjoon falls. He falls back into the social media trap again, soon to realize his video is also everywhere. 3 million views doesn’t feel as good as he tough it would. 3 million views? Who are all of those people watching? With shaking hands he does what feels most reasonable. He takes the video down. Panic attacks coming over him again as he tries to leave no traces behind. No traces?  
”BTS friend and co-singer of the megahit Boy with Love Halsey liked a steamy fan video of the members Jimin and Jungkook seen together as lovers from her official twitter account. And when hawk eyed fans noticed she quickly unliked it. But of course fans of the pairing, JiKook as they are called, could not leave it at that and have started to wonder if Halsey is trying to hint at Jimin and Jungkook being more than friends. After being bombarded with questions Halsey went on to like another video where a so called insider explains why JiKook are simply friends. This move did however not calm the fans curiosity. Who is this insider? What kind of friend is Halsey to like videos like that? And what is the real relationship between Jimin and Jungkook?” Namjoon reads horrified, on the K-pop gossip site Allkpop. Similar articles being everywhere in the English speaking fandom.  
He is fighting for air again, but to breath normally in the storm of the eye feels impossible. What has Halsey done? Or maybe more so what has he himself the leader of BTS done? Why did he ever talk to Halsey? Trust her? Make out with her? He doesn’t know. And why? Why did he make that stupid video? It all seems too absurd, childish and naive.  
What more damage can he do? What more damage can Halsey do? Or Jimin and Jungkook? The four of them feels like ticking bombs, ready to explode and destroy. The paranoia of an idol. The paranoia of the leader of the worlds biggest boyband, might not be a paranoia but the realisation of a very real threat.  
Namjoon is so tiered he can barley keep his eyes opened. He puts his computer down. And crawls into his bed without caring about taking a shower or changing clothes. He stare into the pitch dark sealing, head spinning round and round as if he was drunk. He never ever wants to speak to Halsey again. What if she understands that there is more to the story about Jungkook and Jimin? What if she already did? Her words ”you cannot protect them from what they want” echoing in his head. It all feels like a strange dream. It must all be a dream? If he falls asleep he might wake up tomorrow and realize this is all a dream.  
While laying drifting in and out of sleep he suddenly sees all of this for what it must be. A story about forbidden love? Namjoon has imagined many terribly scenarios but never this; that he would be the one to part two star crossed lovers and lie infront of their fans. The villain in a story about passion.

It is quiet, except for the sound of breathing.  
The one who wants to brake up is always right. If someone tells you they want to split; you need to split. There is no other way. It is a rule without exemptions, Jungkook knows. He knows that no matter how unfair and destructive a brake up might feel, you cannot continue seeing someone who wants to leave. For whatever absurd reasons that person is leaving.  
And there is nothing more for him to say to make Jimin change his mind. Jungkook opens his eyes slowly and looks around the bright room. Yesterday they fell asleep in Jimin’s bed. Jungkook had asked if they could sleep one last time in that bed. Jimin’s things are everywhere. All of Jimin’s beautiful things… Jungkook had this strong feeling he needed to see them, to sleep among them, to able to get through.  
Curled up against his back Jimin is still sleeping. The safe smell and feeling of his body, pressed close to Jungkook’s skin. He lays still and takes it all in. He doesn’t dare to move. Because if he did. If he did it might be over. When they wake up Jimin has decided that Jungkook must take his belongings and leave the dorm and Jimin behind.  
He shuts his eyes again and breath slowly letting the smell of Jimin fill him up. He is still there close to him. And he thinks about all the small things that makes him unique. All of his dualities. How he thoughtfully searches for the right words when they are needed, and let words flows unthoughtful and speeded at other times. His splendid dancing on screens all over the world, and his uncertain fears that he is not good enough. His soft feminine smile and strong determent arms in bed. And like that Jungkook slowly manage to drift away, back into sleep, dreaming about everything that is Jimin.  
When he opens his eyes again they have moved around in their sleep and Jimin is holding him tightly against his bare chest. And he can feel on his uneven breathing that he is awake; crying?  
The morning sun is blasting from the window. And Jimin is crying quietly trying his best not to wake Jungkook. Jungkook moves around to wrap his arms around his sad body. Although Jimin is the one who has decided to leave a desperate need to protect and comfort him fills Jungkook. He clears his voice.  
\- I love you, he whispers into the morning. Even if you brake up with me. I love you. And I will try my best to be strong for you.  
\- I know, comes Jimin’s cracked up crying voice. I know…  
Jungkook moves up to touch Jimin’s wet face with his hands and then he kisses his soft lips slowly. Salty from tears.  
\- You taste like salt, Jungkook whispers.  
\- I know, Jimin answers again as if that is the only thing he is able to say.  
\- I know...  
Then he kisses Jungkook back more greedy. And Jungkook cannot help but make greedy nosies, overwhelmed with desire. Jimin kisses him even harder and sobs helplessly into his moaning.  
\- Sorry for being such a crybaby, Jimin smiles through his tears and lets his hands move down Jungkook’s backside. Heart racing in Jungkook’s chest and heat spreading between his legs. He just wants Jimin to touch him everywhere, to stay on his skin forever.  
\- I can be stronger for you, one last time if you want to… Jimin says still sobbing.  
And Jungkook nods. He nods and smiles back through all of the sadness.  
\- My body is yours. Do whatever you want, he says shivering at the thought.  
How did his body become Jimin’s? All of a sudden he sees them from how it might appear for outsiders. Brave. How could they be so brave in this world?  
And Jimin stops sobbing and moans as desperate as him when Jungkook takes his own boxers off, pressing his needy body up against him. Jimin hands grab Jungkook thighs and ass, and then he is all over him pining his body up against the mattress. Jungkook’s stomach down and his back up bare and exposed. Jimin sits astride holding his hands up over his head, while he kisses his ears and neck hasty and needy. Like he wants to eat him up and Jungkook feels the rush, the storm, the braveness of their moves.  
\- You are so damn beautiful, you drive me mad, Jimin mumbles with a sudden dark voice. And I’m going to make you come so hard you will never forget it.  
And Jungkook knows that is one of the truest things he ever heard. There are millions of different ways to fuck and kiss, but nothing will ever feel like this again.  
Sadness mixed with horniness is a strange cocktail of emotions. The soft and strong arms of Jimin. Jungkook lets them engulf him. His whole being set on fire. And when Jimin penetrates him he makes sounds so loud it is hard to know if it is from pleasure or despair. And Jimin stops.  
\- Are you alright, he breathes heavily.  
\- Yes, just continue… I’m just… just go on… Please continue, he pleads desperately.  
And Jimin continues, he continues and Jungkook feels like the whole world is about to explode. He clings to Jimin with desperate hands and arms and never ever wants it to end. How will he survive parting? He must survive parting. When he comes Jimin kisses his forehead and holds his head and face with his small delicate fingers. Thousands of stars in this terribly unfair world.  
\- Please will you suck me off, Jimin demands as soon as Jungkook comes down.  
And he does. He does, desperatly and needy, and he will never ever forget the way Jimin taste like when he comes in his mouth. How he sounds like, his soft skin and muscular ass.  
Afterwords they lay tangled up, similar to that first time in London. Kissing without speaking until there is nothing but leaving left.  
So Jungkook leaves the dorm with his belongings in a big black suitcase behind him.  
\- Take care, see you in a couple of weeks, Jimin says with strangely dry eyes and pale face before he closes the door behind Jungkook.

Namjoon is wandering restlessly around in his apartment. Staring at an abstract painting on the wall and then out of the window, and then at the painting again. Seoul. He is still unsure if he loves or hates Seoul. He looks at his phone, unsure of what to do.  
Bang Shi Hyuk wants him to call when he got time. Halsey has texted him 17 times and called three, saying sorry and asking him to call her back or text him; ”just anything, please. Are you alright?” His mom has also texted asking if he made it home safely from his trip. And Hoseok sent him a short message: ”Don’t analyze it too much. Please. It will be alright.”  
And all he can think about is Jimin and Jungkook. Are they alright? Still together? He hope they haven't seen what is going on online. He thinks about different ways to contact them. But everything feels weird and wrong. After all he is the villain in this story. But a strange villain who wants what is best for them. He decides to give texting a try anyway, and sends two simple purple hearts to them.  
Jimin answers back with a red heart within two minutes. Jungkook doesn’t answer at all. When two hours have passed by Namjoon feels a fear creeping in. How is Jungkook doing? Is he all alone? Shall he call Taehyung and tell him what is going on, so that Jungkook has a shoulder to cry on? But he feels unsure of Taehyung. Is he really a good shoulder to relay on? Someone to guard this dangerous secret? How would he react and what would he say to Jungkook?  
He decides to answer Hoseok and ask him. ”Thank you, I’m trying my best. But I texted Jungkook and he is not answering. Do you think I should tell Taehyung?”  
Hoseok calls him up instantly as if he was waiting for him to contact him.  
\- I don’t know, he says without any hello or other questions. You know Taehyung can be so flicky. He might react wise and friendly. But when I came out to him, he looked more shocked than supporting and did not say a thing. I had to guarantee it would not change a thing and that I never been interested in him. That was a couple of years ago, but still. In this situation, I don’t know. If we knew Yugyeom better I think he would be a more reasonable option, but I know we cannot tell him this.  
Namjoon lets this information sink in.  
\- I know what you mean, I thought the same thing at first, he says. When I was depressed he did not know what to do either, and his way of behaving kind of hurt my feelings. But that was also years ago. He is more mature now. And we might also underestimate his friendship with Jungkook. You know they are closer than we are with him.  
\- Yes, you might be right, Hoseok says thoughtfully. Maybe you should call him and tell him that Jungkook might need him. But let Jungkook tell him why if he feels like he wants to?, Hoesok concludes.  
And Namjoon nods. Yes. It must be the best option.  
\- Yes, he says. Yes, you are right. I’ll do that, thank you Hoseok you are the best. Have you talked to Jimin?  
\- Yes, I did quickly on the phone. But he did not tell me anything else than that they will stop. And that he is sorry for risking the group like that. I would not call it the best of conversations. He sounded more off and unitrested in talking than sad. But I told him I'll come by the dorm tonight.

Jungkook stares at the empty walls of his apartment, the emptiness inside of him goes well with it. He hasn’t had the time to really move in before. Stardom, and love, got in the way.  
When the other members went away during the vacation, he felt more at home in the dorm with Jimin than here. Here, feels like an impersonal space for sadness, a leftover no one really cared for. Much like himself. There is a bed, a kitchen table and a grey impersonal sofa that he had bought without thinking or really choosing, when he didn’t have the time to care. And then there is the big suitcase still laying open on the floor three days after he left. Things welling out; some books, belongings and cloths he packed quickly at the dorm.  
The dorm? He misses it so much he wants to cry, but he has already cried his eyes dry. He never felt truly lonely before, he realise. Or depressed. Now his skin and heart lays abandoned and desert. He just wants to disappear. Disappear to stop this terrible feeling within him. He fell in love with his best friend. His bandmate. What a boyband cliché, something that happens in a bad fanfic. What a terribly stupid way to find the love of your life. He closes his eyes.   
But all of a sudden there is an alarm going off in the apparent. Or? No, someone is calling him. And Jungkook’s heart goes bang. What if it is Jimin? He wants nothing else in life then to hear Jimin’s voice. Jungkook runs through the room to get his phone, but the wrong name shows up on the display.  
Rose is calling, and Jungkook doesn’t have the energy to answer. He doesn’t want to answer at all. He has not spoken to anyone for three days. But, for some strange reason he answers anyway. Is it an instinct of survival?  
\- Hi Jungkook, Rose says sounding quite nervous. I just wanted to know how you are doing? It feels like ages since we talked and we… I don’t know… it would be nice to meet up and talk about things. Us and what happened, but maybe more so life in general.  
Jungkook feels numb, like he hears what she is saying but does not really understands or cares about it.  
\- Hi Rose, he utters with dry throat, as by automatic. I’m alright, how are you?  
\- I’m good, she says. Or really really good actually, to be honest.  
\- That’s good to hear, he answers still emotionless.  
\- Where are you? You sound kind of tired? Are you in Seoul? What are you up to?  
\- I moved into the apartment, he says.  
\- Oh, that is lovely. Then I can come by for coffee someday!  
\- Yea, yes you can, he answers because what else can he say?  
\- What are you up to tomorrow? I happen to have a free day, she says in that pushy way that he used to be so charmed by when they got to know each other. But then really hated in the end.  
\- Tomorrow might not be that good, he mumbles.  
\- Why?, she pushes.  
And he doesn’t have the energy to explain, so he agrees. Although he has been crying for three days straight, not being able to eat or move out of the grey ugly sofa. Never mind, he thinks. Nothing minds, without Jimin. Rose will come by and he will make her some coffee. Then she will leave and he will go back to crying on the sofa. Maybe showering would be a good idea, but that can wait until tomorrow.


	13. Dark night (don’t be lonely)

\- What happened you look like shit?, Rose says when Jungkook opens the door.  
Rose doesn’t look like shit; big sunglasses, bleached oversized jeans and blond hair in two long braids. A bright smile on her red lips shows her white teeth.  
\- Thank you, what a lovely way to greet your ex, Jungkook says feeling very much like shit. I’ve been a little down under, but you are very welcome inside… And be prepared it looks like shit in here as well, he warns.  
She holds up a plastic bag infront of her, still smiling.  
\- I bought some soju and beer incase it be stiff. And just to put things straight, you dumped me so I have the right to be a little bitchy. And you really do look tiered, are you okay?  
It feels strange to have a visitor. Like the apartment is all too private and at the same time not at all. He didn’t have the energy to unpack or clean before she arrived, he just took out some random clean clothes and hide the big bag in the wardrobe. He did not care about drying his hair after showering either, putting on earrings or hiding the dark circles under his eyes. With wet hair, un matching clothes and tired face he tries to keep the conversion as normal as he can. It is afternoon, but it feels like in the middle of the nigh or very early in the morning, sometime when one really should be sleeping insead of talking.  
\- Maybe soju and beer is a better option than coffee?, Rose says. You look like you might need it!

Not being able to eat for days, it only takes three shots soju and and one beer for Jungkook to start feeling buzzed. And Rose never was a heavy drinker; with red cheeks and bubbly laughter she soon gets ready to confine in him.  
\- I started seeing someone new, she admits. It is a huge secret, but I almost called you when it happened because it is so sick. A bit like the ultimate revenge.  
She smiles again, looking very pleased with herself.  
\- I know you would be dying of jealousy if I told you, she teases.  
He nods and takes another shot of soju, feeling a little curious but mostly sad and tipsy, on the way on getting drunk.  
\- Do you want to know why I look like shit?, he hears himself say. I also met someone, but I was dumped five days ago. And I’ve been here on this sofa crying ever since. To be honest, you are actually the first one I let in here.  
She looks at him in awe, serious all of a sudden.  
\- Jungkook, I’m so sorry, she says. But also very flattered you let me in. Shall we say cheers for unrequited love!?  
She raises her glass towards him.  
\- It is not unrequited, but more complex, he corrects. But never mind lets talk about your someone instead! Cheers!  
She smiles, but a little more melancholic this time. Letting her glas clink to his.  
\- I was right, was I not, about Jimin?, she utters softly searching for the right words.  
Jungkook feels a sting in his chest at the mentioning of Jimin. A flash of a smile, a beautiful body pressing him down into the mattress, the taste of his come. He shakes his head to try to get the pictures out of his head. But he knows it is useless.  
\- If you tell me, I’ll tell you who I’m seeing, she says putting down her glas of soju but opening two new beers.  
\- Okay, he hears himself agree as he grabs one of the beers.  
He doesn’t know why, is this the instinct of survival again? To have someone to confide in, someone who he suspects might actually be on his side.  
\- Who are you seeing?, he says daring and takes a big mouth full of beer.  
\- I’m having steamy hot sex with the girl of your dreams, Ji-eun, she says biting her lip teasingly.  
And he almost spits his beer out and feels his eyes go wide in shook.  
\- Hahahaha… Jungshook, she laughs. I wish I’d recorded that reaction. It was priceless, better than I imagined it.  
\- You must be kidding me!?, he almost shouts.  
And then he realize it is the first real reaction he had in days, other than depression and loneliness.  
\- No, I’m not kidding. Now Ji-eun is the girl of my dreams, Rose says smiling so happily Jungkook cannot help but smile back.  
For the first time since he parted from Jimin he smiles.  
\- This is epic!, he says almost enthusiastic. Epic Rose! How did that happen?  
\- We met through some friends. And you now I’m usually very straight forward when it comes to attraction. But for God sake she is IU, I was so stupidly shy and self aware at first. I did not understand at all. I thought she wanted to be friends. But we kept texting all the time, like saying goodnight and sending too many cute emojis. And then we had too much soju one night and started to talk about sexuality. And it turned out she felt the same. She is like the best thing that ever happened to me, or on a shared first place with you. You know I was so fucking in love with you!  
Jungkook smiles again.  
\- I was also crazily infatuated by you, you know. Never ever think anything else, he says because it is true.  
\- I know you were, she mumbles and takes another sip of beer. So why did Jimin dump you? Because I cannot see how this can be about anyone else.  
And at that Jungkook starts to cry, he thought he had no tears left but apparently he must have.  
\- Namjoon caught us red-handed, and told us to stop… and Jimin…. Jungkook feels his whole body shaking with despair when he holds his name in his mouth. Jimin… thought we needed to stop. I believe he thinks it is the best for me and him in the long run. But I… I don’t.  
Rose moves a little closer, putting her familiar hand on his back as it hovers up and down.  
\- Honestly, I don’t know how to make it without him. It is crazy, he sniffs. After you and I broke up we started having sex and it was like this mind opener. This.. I don’t know how to explain it...  
She nods, and moves even closer hugging him tightly, and it feels unexpectedly safe and homelike. Familiar, but different from when they were together. A home-like embrace but whithout sexual tensions. He starts to cry even harder. Not even having the energy to feel embarrassed by it.  
\- My prediction is that he will come back, he just needs some time, she whispers close to his ear.  
And he doesn’t believe her, but it still feels better to hear words of encouragement then crying alone. Feels better to hear someone telling him his love is important then to lay by himself on that damn sofa ignoring all incoming texts and calls.  
\- But what the fuck are Namjoon doing?, she suddenly asks angrily. I thought he was like open minded and intelligent. A good leader and friend. Even if he saw you kissing, it is not his thing to tell you who to fall in love with…  
\- Thank you, that was just what I told him, Jungkook sighs.  
Relieved someone finally agrees with him.  
\- But when Jimin doesn’t listen it is of no use, he ads.  
And dries his wet cheeks with the back of his hand, thinking two seconds before he continues.  
\- And the embarrassing truth is we were not only making out.. eh... I was fucking him really hard and we were both so into it we did not notice Namjoon until he shouted at us. It must really be the most awkward situation I have ever been in. And poor Namjoon. Can it be any worse?  
She looks at him trying to keep a straight face at first, but then she throws her head back, laughing hysterical.  
\- You two are like a bad fanfic, sorry but that is just…. I didn’t mean to laugh at you…  
\- I know, Jungkook says looking at her thin body sitting curled up in the sofa laughing.  
\- I’m… hahahaha…. heheheh.. laughing with you, because you are not able to yet, she manage to get out still not able to stop.  
And he really truly missed her laughter. And perspective on things. When not being burdened by their romance everything is so different. Some people are better as friends, he thinks as they sit together on the ugly sofa getting more and more drunk. Their heads spinning as they deem the rest of the world as stupid.  
\- They are idiots, she pouts. I’ll hate them all! Except for Ji-eun and you. And Lisa, she is also alright.  
\- I think you forgot about Jennie and Jisoo?, Jungkook ads.  
\- No I didn’t, they are heteronormative square-heads, without imagination. A little like Namjoon. It is people like them who makes the world flat.  
And then suddenly Jungkook feels it; his own laugher. Yes, he laughs. Not in a particular happy way, but still there is laughter.  
\- Have you been hanging out online lately?, she asks.  
\- No, he says feeling confused on what she is hinting at now.  
\- It is not super important, but just so you know Halsey accidentally liked a hot fan made video of you and Jimin and then she panicked and liked another one supposingly made by an insider who "knows you are only friends". This is also partly why I wanted to meet up, I was a bit worried. But compared to what you are experience this is nothing, it will blow over soon. So don’t think about it.  
\- But how? How can she do that by accident? Jungkook says feeling more angry than sad all of a sudden. He wonders what Jimin feels about it. Does he know? He really hopes he doesn’t.  
\- Hm… I’ve been texting with her a bit and she is extremely sorry. She is also convinced Namjoon hates her, because he has not answered her desperate texts and calls for five days.  
\- That sounds more than fair of him, Jungkook says still very irritated. But wait, this happened when?  
Jungkook’s head is spinning.  
\- If it was five days ago, it must haven been on the same day as Namjoon walked in on us, he conclude. That is so bisarr. Strange...  
She laughs again, he had forgotten she had this much laughter in her.  
\- Yes the world is truly strange, she says shaking her head, and then she lights up even more, smiling big and brightly.  
\- Do you know what? I just got this crazy idea. What if we let Dispatch release those hot pictures of us? The ones were we are making out looking super steamy and in love. I mean they all like to play? Why not play their game? It is not a lie either, we were in love. Even if our sexlife was much hotter than the average heterosexuals we would appear less queer...  
And then he laughs again. Even louder this time, because even if he is still so fucking sad, Jungkook's laughter has returned.  
\- You are crazy, he laughs. You would be connected to me for life. And BigHit would, they would truly hate this.  
She swings her arms around him teasingly in the sofa, and he shakes it off gruffing.  
\- I wouldn’t mind being connected to you, she smiles cheeky. But yeah I see what you mean. If things get worse though they are always there as some sort of false heterosexual facade, she says and then she looks at her phone with an even more cheeky and silly smile.  
\- What’s that smile?, asks Jungkook poking at her with a by now quite drunk finger.  
\- Ji-eun, she wants to know what I’m doing tonight.  
Jungkook suddenly remember his own phone, and there is a text from Taehyung. He hasn't seen Taehyung in weeks, but it says: ”I’ll come by with some beer and fried chicken tonight, and you cannot say no.”  
And just as he reads it the doorbell rings.  
\- Oh it must be Taehyung, he says. He just texted saying he would come by.  
Rose is still looking at her phone smiling.  
\- Then I might leave you two, she says clapping her hands excited.  
\- Yes, yes runt to your hot mistress, tell her that her biggest fanboy is also queer, Jungkook tries joking but it sounds more bitter that he intended. And just so you know; Taehyung doesn’t know anything of this.  
Rose nods and he knows all of his secrets are safe with her.

Bang Si-hyuk doesn’t look angry at all, but very concerned. He sits behind his desk at BigHit looking at Namjoon through his thin glasses.  
\- You made out with Halsey, you say. This although she has a boyfriend. And then you also did this video about Jimin and Jungkook were you explained why they are not lovers. And then you told Halsey because you had a big time crush on her and thought you could trust her. But it turned out you couldn’t. And she went on liking first a classic fan made JiKook video and then yours. And now you are afraid someone will be able to trace that video back to you? And also that she might spill other things, like you making out?  
Namjoon nods quietly.  
\- Then why again? Why did you make that video?  
\- I felt helpless about JiKook, that many International fans actually think they are in love. And I did not know what to do.  
\- If I did not know you better it sounds kind of homophobic, Si-hyuk mutters.  
\- I know, I’m so sorry… But I did not mean it like that. It also taked about homophobia in Korea, and other social issues, like the military.  
Namjoon hears his own voice shivers as he tries to explain what seems unexplainable in hind site.  
He didn’t know how to handle the situation with the video so after thinking for a bit he confessed. He confessed everything, but the most dangerous secret. The one he knows he will protect with his life; Jungkook and Jimin as star crossed lovers. Si-hyuk leans back in his chair, shaking his head.  
\- Okay, okay… Next time promise to contact me before you start to take this type of creative initiatives. I will look into the thing about tracing videos. But Halsey, I think you might need to talk to her yourself. Ignoring her might be a really bad strategy if she is the type to kiss and tell.  
\- I don’t think she is, but all of this made me very paranoid, Namjoon whispers.  
\- I understand that, but I also think it is important that we see this as two very different things, Si-hyuk says. You making out with Halsey knowing she has a boyfriend, I do not have a problem with that. I want you to live your life and fall in love without being paranoid about the fans. To fall in love is so full of complexities and paranoias alone, if you also think about the fans reaction you will never be able to let someone in. Because no one will ever be good enough for your fans. But making a film were you explain that Jimin and Jungkook are friends not lovers, that is stepping into dangerous ground. Being the leader and not a fan, I think it is a violation of their freedom. Their relationship is frankly, nothing you have to do with at all.  
Namjoon looks down at his own sneakers, feeling his cheeks go red from embarrassment. Nodding but not saying a thing. In his head that frightening picture of Jungkook and Jimin naked flashes by, fucking up against the walls of the dorm. What would Si-hyuk say about falling in love and Jimin and Jungkook if he knew? Namjoon doesn't want to know.


	14. Because I couldn't protect you

Taehyung whistles when Rose closes the door.  
\- What a nice surprise. Are you two like back together or just fooling around?, Taehyung says wiggles his eyebrows playfully. I bought some beer, but I can see you already had a few…  
Jungkook feels drunk.  
\- Can we sit down, he says avoiding the topic. I feel a bit dizzy….  
Taehyung looks around at the white walls and the non existing decorations of the room.  
\- You apartment looks… it looks like a hotel? Are you not tired of all those boring hotel rooms?, he smiles cheeky.  
Why are Jungkook’s friends so damn cheeky? He doesn’t feel like answering that either, so he just sits down on the sofa staring drunkly infront of him.  
\- You might want some chicken to go with that drunk face of yours, says Taehyung and places the food infront of Jungkook while opening a beer for himself.  
Jungkook never ever said no to fried chicken after drinking, but now only thinking about food makes him nauseous. Shewing things and swallowing it down impracticable. But he nods anyway, head spinning. What shall he tell Taehyung? He doesn’t want to tell him anything about his heavy heart. Because to do so he has to spill a secret that is not only his, but also Jimin’s. And Jimin never agreed for him to let anyone know. And Taehyung is their common friend and colleague. Someone they both like, but also someone with a big mouth and sometimes unpredictable behavior.  
Jimin’s face and body flashes infront of his eyes, time and and time again. Lying felt different when he had someone to lie together with, someone to lay close to and share it with. Now when that someone has decided to leave, he is left caring all the heaviness of it alone. And telling Rose felt good, he doesn’t regret it at all, but she is very different from Taehyung. She is not part of BTS or close to Jimin.  
He sees Taehyung eying him thoughtfully.  
\- Something is up, right?, he says. Namjoon said you might need a friend. But he didn’t tell me what it was about, although I really pushed him hahaha... He said it was up to you, to tell me if you wanted to.  
\- Give me a beer, Jungkook mummels. I know I am drunk but I might need another one.  
Taehyung opens a can for him.  
\- Drink some more and tell me, he says wiggling his eyebrows again, as if the secret was a fun joke or something.  
If he only knew... Jungkook looks for the wording.  
\- Sorry Taehyung, but I’m not sure I can tell you because it is all to complex and involves others as well. And no, before you ask, it has nothing to do with Rose. She wanted to meet up and we did; as friends. And we ended up drinking. It was unexpectedly nice and I realized I missed her a lot; as a friend. We will never have sex again, so stop imagining things.  
Taehyung raises his hands over his head.  
\- Okay, okay, he laughs. Sorry for making hasty conclusions, but Rose looked like she was…glowing of happiness… and soju… So I assumed you were the one who made her like that.  
Jungkook shakes his head and drinks some more.  
\- Can we like play some Overwatch or something instead, I just need some distraction...

Jungkook has barely touched the chicken, but he stoped counting how many beers he had. Taehyung is also starting to look kind of drunk when he asks about it again.  
\- But Jungkook, sometimes it feels good to talk about what is bothering you. You can trust me, I will not spill your secrets, he says giving Jungkook his cutes puppy eyes.  
\- I fell madly in love, but the person left me, Jungkook slurs.  
His thoughts and voice getting harder and harder to control.  
\- You fell in love?, Taehyung echoes seriously and Jungkook can see thoughts running wild in his head. How is that possible, we been touring non stop, when did you have time to meet someone?  
Jungkook lets out an unhappy laughter-like-sound, not really answering.  
\- Is it one of the stylist noonas?, Taehyung gasps.  
Jungkook drinks some more beer, still not saying a thing.  
\- Is it, who is it? Taehyung smiles.  
Jungkook pushes his hands against his eye-lobes and exhales. Why couldn’t Jimin stay? Could he just have stayed?  
\- I cannot tell you, he says. Because I care too much for that person… and… and if people knew that persons world would fall apart.  
Taehyung shakes his head.  
\- That sounds very dumb, unhealthy. She left you and you are still protecting her.  
Jungkook doesn’t know why, but he must have corrected Taehyung, unconsciously, drunkly.  
\- He….  
\- He? Taehyung echoes with big eyes. He? What are you saying Jungkook?  
Jungkook looks down as his own hands. He has no right to spill it, he doesn’t want to spill it… All he wants is for Jimin to… The truth is he doesn’t want to spill it because the more people who knows the harder it would be for Jimin to return to him.  
\- I just cannot tell you because it is all too complex, he says slowly.  
And at that Taehyung’s yes go wide.  
\- No you did not… you... did you sleep with Hoseok??  
And at that. Jungkook’s feel his face go into a face of disgust.  
\- Nooo…, he screams. No, that would be like… having sex with a brother or something. Bizarre.  
And as he says it he realize that is how Taehyung might see it, if he knew. They all grow up together. What makes Jimin different from Hoseok? Nothing. Nothing but the great love and attraction growing inside of Jungkook. The world spinns around and suddenly he feels like throwing up. What would they all say? Taehyung, Jin, Yoongi and Hoseok? He has a feeling Hoseok might already known. Jungkook really needs to throw up. He runs to the toilet, not having time to close the door behind him. His eyes tearing up again as he throws up in the toilet. Where is Jimin, what is he doing and feeling?  
Afterwards he sits silently on the floor. And Taehyung sits beside him with a glass of water and a worried face.  
\- Are you alright? he asks.  
And Jungkook feels the tears running down his cheeks again. As he shakes his head.  
\- No, he says. I will not be okay until he comes back to me.  
And Taehyung doesn’t ask anymore, he just sits equally silently next to Jungkook on the bathroom floor. And when he has emptied his stomach one more time, he helps him to get in bed before he place himself on the grey sofa.

Drinking your sorrows away, never worked. In fact it is a terrible concept, Jungkook knows as he wakes up with a dry mouth and a bad headache, shaking. Trying desperately to remember what happened yesterday. Somewhere after Rose left it starts getting blurry. He remember talking to Taehyung about love. But how much did he spill? He never ever uttered Jimin’s name, he is quite sure. But he still taked about it in a manner where it might be totally obvious who he talked about.  
Taehyung is still sleeping on the sofa, snoring. And Jungkook looks at his handsome face. Is he to be trusted? Taehyung moves around and opens his eyes. Newly awaken he meets Jungkook’s gaze.  
\- It isn’t me, is it?, he says jawing like a cat on the sofa. The one you are in love with, I know I am super hot, but my personality is a little flicky you know... I’m simply not worth crying over.  
He sits up stretching his hands over his head.  
\- Or to be honest; no one who doesn’t want to be with you is worth crying over. I mean you are JK a world wide star.  
Jungkook looks at him, still shaking. Head banging, he feels weak.  
\- I have the worth hangover ever, sorry for being such a sad drunk head yesterday, he says.  
\- Ah, never mind. I cannot imagined how I would feel or react if Yoona broke up with me. It is unimaginable, Taehyung says.  
\- And sorry… sorry for not being able to tell you everything. It is just too complex, Jungkook continues.  
Taehyung nods.  
\- No problem, you can tell me when you are ready. And, If I knew who made you into this ugly unworthy mess… If I knew I might not be able to keep myself from knocking him down.  
Jungkook shakes his head not wanting to think about the possibility of Taehyung getting mad at Jimin.

Drinking your sorrows away, never really worked. The sorrows are still there the day after, heavy and hard to carry. But something might have changed yesterday. Jungkook feels less like a cast away. He has friends who cares for him. He has friends and also a career, fans who depend on him. When Taehyung leaves he sits by the window and stares out at Seoul’s high mountains and modern skyscrapers.  
And suddenly it is like the city is speaking to him. The city with all of its hard working people shakes him softly and tells him to sharpen up. A familiar determination growing within. In three weeks he will be going to London to record some new material. Much of it in English. There will be no more time to drink too much beer or passively hang around feeling bad for himself. Although he still feels like someone has run over his body and heart, abandoned and lonely, he needs to study English.  
Seoul is not a city for laziness, and no matter of his private sadness he is a hard working star. He takes up a text and starts to read, head still pounding from yesterday. He neatly checks out every word he doees not fully understand.

Jimin doesn’t know what to do with all of his time. So he lays in his bed. He stares into the walls, sometimes he cries. But mostly he just lays there. His body lost without a purpose. No Jungkook and no fans. No performances and no preparations. No love and need for him to be there for anyone. Just survive. I just need to survive, he thinks. For Jungkook and the fans. And he tries to eat. Because one needs to eat if one shall survive. But the food is growing in his mouth when he is chewing. And he feels sick. Is he sick? He must be sick. Or dead. Leaving the one that made him feel alive. The one that made his body come alive.  
All that warmth and tenderness, and then suddenly nothing. All that crazy desire and euphoria, and then suddenly nothing. Nothing but an empty bed. Something inside of him must have died.  
And still; this is the only way.  
The only way he knows. Because he loves Jungkook. And Namjoon is right, if people found out how their love have manifested itself lately, everything that BTS built will come crushing down. Jimin always wanted to give Jungkook the world, he wanted him to have all he ever dreamed of. To become a super star, to shine on the biggest stages. And there is no way he will let romantic love get in the way, even if the one Jungkook loves is Jimin himself.  
Jimin tells himself time and time again, that letting go is greatest act of love. Jungkook will be happier like this in the long run. This is the only possible way. But his body won’t listen to reasoning. Every night he dreams about Jungkook, waking up turned on, and desperate. He just wants to run back into his arms, but he holds his needs and bites his longings. Trying not to touch himself, trying not to remember a muscular body under and above him. But when he falls back into sleep Jungkook is there again. And he must somehow have touched himself anyway, because when he wakes up he is painting and there is is cum on the sheets.  
Is there a way to close down a new born sexuality? Jimin puts his hands on his blanket and say a little prayer. But the next night is still filled with Jungkook's bare skin.  
Somewhere out in the periphery there is also a fan war. Mostly in the international community but it also touches the Korean fandom. While he battles himself, trying to contol and forget, ARMYs are fighting over his and Jungkook’s relationship.  
Somewhere out in the periphery is also Hoseok, coming by with food. Forcing him to talk, although he rather not talk at all. Taking make him out on short walks around the neighborhood.  
\- You need to see the sun, Hoseok says.  
But Jimin doesn’t want to be remembered of beautiful things, he shakes his head but then he lets Hoseok force him out anyway. Because he also needs to survive.  
\- This is absurd, I've never seen someone so heartbroken before. What did our maknae do to you?, Hoseok says as they sits down in the small park area outside of the dorm.  
Jimin shakes his head again.  
\- Nothing, he says. Nothing. Let’s talk about something else instead.  
But when Hoseok's tries, there is nothing to say, because Jimin seems to have lost his interest in the world around him.


	15. You're a singing star

Jungkook has mange to keep himself from contacting Jimin for weeks, but before he leaves for London he sends Jimin a text; no words, just a small red heart. Smilar to what Namjoon sent him and that he hasn’t answered yet. What shall Jungkook answer someone who asked him to stop seeing his loved one? A skull or a crying emoji would be more fitting than a heart.  
Jungkook doesn’t know what he expects from Jimin, he just wants to… he doesn’t know. But one thing he knows for sure; the lack of answer makes him unreasonably disappointed. He feels weak, abandoned and irritated. Angry even. Why can’t he just answer? Jungkook knows there are a millions of complex reasons why Jimin doesn’t, but for the first time he cannot help but feeling angry at him.  
When he texts with Rose, she calls his reaction ”reasonable, healthy and a step forward. Absolutely nothing to feel bad about.” And he lets the anger embrace him, before he lands in London. The place where they first kissed that magic night after the concert at the Wembley. Anger is a good weapon against romantic nostalgia. If Jimin thinks that their careers are more important than love, then let it be so. Jungkook has been crying enough, and it is time to move on. He decides he will raise up like a phoenix in London.  
Together with BigHits most chill manager and translator, Jo, he rents a car at Heathrow. London is grey, a mild rain falls over old buildings, bridges and people rushes by on the streets.  
\- Go and enjoy London, Jungkook says when Jo stops outside of his rented apartment.  
He suspects she has a lover in London. And he thinks it might be a woman. But he hasn’t asked, because idols are not suppose to ask their managers about sexuality or love. And he has understood being a lesbian is something most Korean lesbians keep as a secret from people they assume to be straight. And in Jo’s eyes Jungkook is probably super straight.  
\- I’m going to unpack, do some training and then sleep, Jungkook says. Just come pick me up tomorrow morning, then I’ll be happy!  
\- Are you sure?, she asks. But looks happy, ecstatic even, to leave him behind.  
He walks up to the apartment alone. There is no elevator, so he drags that big black bag behind him again. Up four stairs and then he opens the door. The place is old, high sealing and big deep windows. Vintage furniture and an original painting in red and blue on the wall. Two bedrooms, a big living room and a modern kitchen. The apartment is too big for one person, Jungkook thinks. But at the same time he suddenly feels light. Like leaving his own sad apartment makes it easer to breath.  
A new city, a new project and a new born anger. He is happy the apartment has a running machine, he runs until his body is almost collapsing.

Arriving at the studio Jungkook thinks he will be working with Ed Sheeran, but Ed is not alone. Meeting Jungkook on the way into the studio with a big smile on his face and a friendly handshake is also Harry Styles.  
\- I’m Harry, he says as if Jungkook didn’t know.  
\- I’m Jungkook, he echoes with wide eyes.  
\- I know, Harry says smiling brightly. So happy to finally meet you!  
Deep dimples and curly hair, a pair of high cut jeans and a pink flower shirt that looks comfortable but also very expensive, he looks even better in real life than on the screen. Ed Sheeran stands behind him in an old BTS-band shirt, he doesn’t look as starlike as Harry but he is also smiling nicely and shakes Jungkook's hand.  
\- I put this on to celebrate that you want to work with us, he says and points at the t-shirt. Welcome Jungkook, I heard you also have a translator with you.  
Jungkook gives his thumb up for the t-shirt and nods while searching for the words.  
\- Yes, I do not want my bad English.. to.. to be... problem, he says. This is Jo, she will me help.  
Jo really looks much more happy then she usually does in Seoul. Jungkook bet she had a very good evening.  
\- I will do my best, she says in a typical Korean manner. But then she smiles uncharacteristically starry-eyed. Is she also as starstruck as Jungkook feels?  
Harry shakes her hand, equally brightly as he did Jungkook’s.  
\- I’m Harry, welcome Jo, he says. I’ll use all the most complex English words I know, for us all to practice.  
\- That might not be that many, Ed comments dryly.  
And Jungkook feels his mouth moving into a smile when Harry laughs louder than Ed at the joke. They seem really nice, and so far Jungkook has understood everything they said.  
\- Practice is important, he smiles at them.  
\- Yes it really is... And sorry for just showing up like this, Harry says with his characteristically slow voice. I hope it is alright with you?  
Jungkook nods again.  
\- No problem, he says, a warm feeling spreading in his stomach as he meets Harry’s gaze.  
\- Because I’m a singer myself I don’t like to use my own name when I do songwriting, but Ed and me have been working on this project together for a while now, Harry shrugs.  
\- Yes, at first I wanted Harry to sing the songs even if he protested loudly, Ed continues. But then he proved himself right by recording some of them, and it did not really work. Or; we wanted another feeling to it. So then I came to think of you. I really like your tone, both when singing in English and Korean. So we are very happy you agreed to come over here, even when you’re on vacation.  
Jungkook feels his cheeks go a little red from the praising.  
\- Thank you, he says. I’m happy, but also a bit… what’s the word… Nervous? Yes, nervous.  
Harry looks at him with those warm glittery green eyes again.  
\- Don’t be, he says. I have a feeling we will all have a really good time.

Namjoon has not spoken to Jungkook or Jimin in weeks, although he knows it might be good to see how they are doing. Like some creepy grandfather chaebol, he keeps track of them through Hoseok and Taehyung instead. So, he knows Jungkook left for London after preparing as well as only he can. And Jimin, is still living at the dorm. Sad but still there.  
He has not spoken directly to Halsey either, because he did not feel like calling her. But he answered one of her texts. ”Apologies accepted.” And when she answered ”Thank you! I swear I will never do anything like that again.” He answered ”Thank you. Take care!” And then nothing more. Simple but still not ignorant or rude.  
After telling Bang Shi-hyuk about his video and also confessing to his problems with getting too deep into social media, and JiKook, he also feels slightly better. Despite the ongoing debate about shipping and JiKook he has manage to focus on his own writing.  
”You cannot control them. Neither the fans nor Jimin and Jungkook and their friendship and fanservice.” Bang Shi-hyuk had pointed out. And although he heard Yoongi say almost the same thing, it feel different hearing his boss tell him. ”You need to stop checking out the hashtag for JiKook, and that is an order. It almost sounds like an addiction or fixation. If you don’t stop, I know a good psychologist that might be able to help you.”

Jimin stares at the red heart Jungkook sent him a little over two weeks ago, and then he looks at the article again. ”Harry Styles and BTS Jungkook, out and about in London.” The caption reads. He tries to understand the rest of the text, but he can only grasp a few English words here and there. He thinks it is about an unexpected friendship and maybe speculations about a collaboration. There is also a picture.  
Jungkook is staring into the camera, dashingly captured without any makeup, some sort of product making his dark half long hair wavy. He is wearing a simple black t-shirt, but one Jimin has never seen before. And he looks thin, like he has been dieting for a comeback or something. The thought hits Jimin hard; maybe the food loving Jungkook also had a hard time eating after they parted. The ARMY tattoo he made on his left hand is on display, and Jimin can see glimpse of some more, new tattoos on his arm. So familiar but also unfamiliar, beautiful and far away. Jimin’s heart beats fast and heavy.  
Then there is Harry Styles, dressed all in white, a white t-shirt and white jeans, looking super expensive. And he is staring at Jungkook. Staring with a look Jimin recognizes. That must be how he used to look at Jungkook? Too obvious? Stars in Harry’s eyes. Jimin doesn’t know Harry Styles at all, but it looks like he is having a big time crush on Jeon Jungkook. And really who wouldn’t? He wonders if they have had sex, and the thought feels strange. But it doesn’t hurt as much as one might think. Because as selfless as it sounds; he hopes Jungkook is happy.  
When he tells Hoseok this. He doesn’t believe him. He shakes his head in disbelief.  
\- You are really too much Jimin, he says. Are you some sort of saint? A martyr?  
\- I just feel empty without him, Jimin says. But the emptiness will not be less if he is also unhappy. I want him to be happy. And Harry Styles. Look at Harry Styles!  
\- This is not healthy at all, Hoseok mumbles. Being a saint is not a healthy way to react to a former lover with another man. Just let it out for fucks sake; the jealous demons within you.  
\- But Hoseok, Jimin says. I broke up with him, and I never been the jealous type. One can be sad and lonely without feeling jealous.


	16. A brand new world

Jimin is sipping on a glass of white wine in the small bar. Hoseok stands on the dance floor talking to some other celebrities. It all feels surreal, like one of those strange crossover fanfics Jimin read when he was younger and wanted to know everything about his fans. A secret gay bar, hidden idols in a basement flirting with each other.  
How did he of all people end up here? Hoseok had told him it was time to really get his mind off Jungkook. And Jimin knew that when Jungkook came back from London they would have to practice in the same room again. Lying to the others and pretending to be fine; friends. And he was desperate to find a way to handle that.  
”There are so many other hot men out there, you would be surprised,” Hoseok had repeated. And although Jimin knew coming here also meant something more, maybe even more importantly and scary; coming out of the closet to the hidden idol gay community, he had listen to Hoseok.  
Was he gay? He thought he might be. But he was not totally sure yet, and still here he was coming out. A great longing to return into that golden closet with Jungkook fills his heart, but he tires not to let the feeling absorb him. He is here to learn how to let go, but also to get to know himself.  
\- Jimin from BTS? A dark voice says behind him, sounding a little surprised. Are you here? What a great surprise, can I sit with you?  
Jimin turns around to see Yunho from TVXQ. Dressed in a pair of black jeans and a yellow expensive t-shirt. Long legs and broad shoulders. A little starstruck and flattered he bows infront of the legendary idol.  
\- Yunho, nice to meet you. Go ahead and join me, he says feeling a little drunk all of a sudden.  
Yunho sits down beside him, looking very comfortable and at home he orders a beer while small talking to the bartender.  
Hoseok gives Jimin a funny look, but he doesn't join them.  
Jimin has met Yunho before, many times, but not in this kind of setting. They talk about work, traveling and challenges of performing at arenas in Japan. Yunho also wants to know about their world tour.  
\- How was it to perform at the Rose Bowl?, he asks with glowing eyes.  
Jimin sees flashes of Jungkook’s body against his back, his tongue against his ear. But he shakes his head and talks about the fans and the energy in different countries. Then he orders another glass of wine, and one shot of vodka. Feeling more and more relaxed he changes the topic into this hidden community.  
\- Hoseok never told me this place existed, before he understood, I… I also like men, he fumbles. But this place is kind of wild.  
Yunho chuckles.  
\- Yes, he says. It is a wild spot away from the public eye. Hoseok is doing the right thing to keep it a secret. It is the rule to keep us safe; never to share what you have seen here with anyone who has not been here.  
Jimin looks around at all the familiar faces. People he suspected might be gay, like Yunho, but also idols he always assumed to be straight. People like him, who had been dating famous girl group members. Girl group members? He suddenly realize there are only men here.  
\- Where are all the lesbians at?, he asks.  
Yunho looks a little surprised by the question, like Jimin is disturbing the order of things.  
\- I don't know, he says. I think they keep to themselves. Maybe they have a similar hideout that I do not know about. I hope they have. You know, one time Amber came here with Heechul, Kibum, Minho and me, and some freaked out. Because she is a woman and out among everyone, except the general audience of course, they thought she might out them. They were afraid she did not understand the situation of gay men in Korea. Being raised in the US she would see our situation too lightly, siding with the woman we might deceive. At first I stood up for her, but I don’t know, I kind of understand them also. I know she is not the one to talk, but people who doesn’t know her did not feel safe. And the most important thing in this community is safety.  
Suddenly a high delighted scream interrupts their conversation.  
\- YESSSSSS!!! At last finally back from Japan!!!, Heechul shouts at the top of his loud voice, making everyone turn around.  
Standing in the door to the basement is Kim Jaejoong. Torn jeans and a white t-shirt, bleached hair and long bangs. There is is this glittery aura surrounding him; the smile of an androgynous superstar on his lips.  
Jimin has never seen him in real life before, after Jaejoong left SM Entertainment he has not been able to participate in music programs or end shows. So where should Jimin have seen him? But here it seems like everyone knows him, even the younger idols. The energy goes up and the room is fussing. It feels like witnessing a homecoming hero.  
\- I missed you dear idiot! No other than Hoseok, shouts at Jaejoong with a high pitched tone.  
Jimin didn’t even know they knew each other, but it is a lot about this world he didn’t know. People flock around Jaejoong, hugging him and smiling. Yunho’s eyes follows Jaejoong's thin but muscular body silently, without getting up to greet him.  
Yea right they used to be in the same band, Jimin reminds himself, until Jaejoong left SM. It was a big drama, long before he himself debuted. Long before BTS followed in TVXQs footsteps, and far beyond breaking through not only in Japan and China, but all over the world.  
Then another, much newer, superstar shows up from nowhere. Jimin did not even know Kang Daniel was here, his cheeks are a little red when he greets Jaejoong with a deep bow. Jaejoong bows back almost teasingly, before he with a wild look draws him in for a tight hug. And Jimin thinks he might drop his glass to the floor, when the younger idol lets Jaejoong kiss him right on the month while everyone is watching, Hecchul whistling playfully. Jimin thought Daniel had a girlfriend, but maybe that doesn’t matter here?  
\- Do you want to leave, go somewhere else. This place is getting a little too crowded? Jimin hears Yunho’s voice suddenly close to his ear.  
He knows it must be a sexual invitation, but he doesn’t mind. He turns around to look closely at Yunho's attractive face and kind-hearted eyes. He looks younger than his thirty three and the presence of his slender well built body makes Jimin's stomach tingles. What if Hoseok is right; fucking his sorrows away might actually be a better cure for heartbreak than letting his sexuality wilt away? And the wilting hasn’t really worked that well anyway.  
This is a wicked new world, with new roles and connections, why not just go with the flow… Falling into this hidden place, Yunho might also be the best catch there is. If someone will make the emptiness in Jimin’s body go away, it must be him.  
\- Yes, why not, he says letting a deliberate flirty hand play on Yunho’s muscular arm.

Jimin and Yunho arrives at a hotel in Itaewoon, after Yunho convinced him time and time again that it is a safe spot, owned by two lesbians who never gossip about idols staying here. Jimin sends Hoseok a text to tell him where he is at and to confirm it is safe. ”Yes, I have been there countless of times, but never with Yunho though hahaha… That is a picky man. When I said you should fuck your sorrows away I did not expect for you to go and get the one person everyone dream of. The biggest catch there is among gay idols. You better tell me all of the juicy details later Mr Lucky.” Hoseok answers, followed by a bunch of strange emojis.  
Jimin stares at Yunho who is pouring some red wine out of a bottle; dashingly hot but at the same time warm and goofy. Grown up but also childlike. When he sees Jimin’s gaze at him he smirkes. And Jimin drinks some more, to let himself get carried away. Seduced. Yes, Jimin wants Yunho to seduce him. And his body finally feels alive after all this terrible weeks, the worst in his life, when Yunho sits down close to him on the small sofa in the room. A warm feeling deep down in his stomach. He imagines Yunho’s toned muscular body close to his own.  
And suddenly there is a warm mouth on his. It feels unfamiliar, but good. A new soft tongue moves slowly against his own, and he answers, letting his hands play in Yunho’s hair. A feeling of excitement spreading in his starving body. Closeness, he just wants this tall muscular body close to his. Big warm hands everywhere. He crawls up into his lap.  
Yunho is good a seduction. And Jimin lets him take his hands and lead the way to the big bed where they fall down, grinding up against each others bodies. Jimin missed sex, and touches so much… The hardon in Yunho’s tight black jeans against his own feels good, better than all the girls Jimin ever made out with. He giggles and moans playfully, letting Yunho touch him. Letting Yunho take his t-shirt, pants, and boxers off…  
It feels like he is playing a role. Playing pretend. He doesn’t dare to take Yunho’s cloths off but lets him do it for himself. Waiting patiently while posing like som sort of… he does not know who in the bed.  
Yunho continues touching Jimin. Both of them are naked, warm skin on warm skin. And Jimin feels himself turning more and more submissive. He is the younger man following the elders lead. So very cliché. But he thinks it might be the only way for him to have a one night stand right now; to become some sort of sexy fanfic version of himself. Posing submissively in the bed as a way not to make sex too personal.  
And it is not unpleasant at all. So Jimin continues, turned on and drunk he plays the game of sex. And Yunho knows what he is doing, he is good, and uses condom without even asking Jimin about it. When he fills him up from behind, Jimin is on the brink of everything and finally certain. He is certain that he will never ever sleep with a woman again. Because the pleasure drives him mad. The pleasure of having sex with a man he does not even love drives him wilder than all the heteroseuxal intercoure he ever had. He is not able to keep up apparence anymore, he closes his eyes making high pitch noices knowing that even without Jungkook he is gay. He feels like screaming it into the red porny sheets of the hotel bed; I am gay. Jimin is gay.  
But when Yunho sends him over the edge and stars explodes in the night, it is also too familiar, too linked to intimacy. And all he thought he might have gained by fucking the pain away comes crushing down on his. The only thing he can think about is; Jungkook.  
Oh God he misses him so much, he is filled to the brink but still empathy inside, his hole body is not relaxing but screaming for Jungkook. For his scent, his diversity and complexity, his beautiful body. All those little perfect details his body is built of. For him letting Jimin be all the versions of himself in bed and outside of it. And he starts to cry. He cannot help himself. Startled Yunho climbs off him looking very confused.  
\- What did I do? Did I so something wrong? He says sitting naked on the bed, still aroused. Jimin takes one of the red duvets, wanting to hide all of a sudden, his body so lonely and bare he does not know what to do or say. He thinks the truth might be the only way to get out of this situation without making a totally ashole of himself.  
\- No, he says. No it is not you, it is me. I’m so sorry. I wanted this very much. It is just that I only ever had sex with one man in my life, and being with you made me miss him. It was not long since we parted and I was not prepared, not ready for this. I’m so sorry.  
Yunho takes the other equally red duvet to politely cover himself up.  
\- Oh, I understand, he says. And then he mumbles like a question into the distance: Are we ever actually ready to move on?  
Jimin feels stupid, like a little kid or something, but Yunho looks calm. Ready to switch from sex to talking about feelings, just like that. Jimin understands why people think of him as a catch.  
\- I have also felt like that once upon a time, Yunho says. And hm, sometimes I still… still after all these years feel it. So no worries at all.  
Jimin looks at his honest face, open and bare, and remember stories he heard, gossip. He wants to ask if they hold any truth to them.  
\- Do you want to talk about it?, Yunho says as if he reads his mind.  
\- I don’t know, it is all so very complex, Jimin says feeling very small.  
\- That sounds like a yes to me, Yunho answers and moves his body so he sits up against the end of the bed. Draped in the duvet.  
Jimin has only been speaking to Hoseok about this, and their communication is not the greatest when it comes to emotions. Hoseok always makes things seem so simple. ”You cannot be with Jungkook because you are in the same band. So you have to brake up, hate him for a while, meet someone new and then it is all good again. And you can be friends without complications.” But in Jimin's world it has never been that simple. No, loving Jungkook is far from a predictable love game.  
\- Promise me not to tell anyone, Jimin whispers as if someone else was hiding in the room.  
\- Not spilling others secrets is something I’m very used to, Yunho mummers. And being a gay man, I think I might already figured it out.  
\- What? No, how?, Jimin hisses louder.  
\- I don’t know… I might have recognized myself in you two… and the things... I read a lot of gossip, and it feels a bit too familar.  
\- But this, this is like a piece of dynamite ready to explode and destroy BTS, the pride of South Korea, Jimin inhales.  
Yunho looks at him with soft eyes.  
\- Do you know I used to feel the same?, he says. I used to feel the same and because of that I took the worst decision I ever made. I left the one I loved the most. The one that meant the world to me…. And that decision made me loose not only him, but also TVXQ as a five member group.  
\- Hold on? So... so it is true what I heard about you and Jaejoong?, Jimin dares to ask.  
\- I don’t know what you have heard. But we were in love. I did not understand it at first. You know, we started to foul around when we were really young, not knowing what we were doing or what it meant. And on top of that it was the fan service. Fans loved to ship us. It was all so very confusing. YunJae, was the hottest couple of that time, a little like you and Jungkook today.  
Jimin heart aches at his name; Jungkook.  
\- And then Jaejoong started to tell me that he was in love with me, that he loved me. But I was too afraid, in denial… You know I still thought I could marry and have kids. So stupidly immature. And I tried to back away, but could not stop having sex with him. We were like this magnet. And then one of the managers caught us in the the act. It might be the worst moments of my life. I was also the leader of the group, you know. And after that it all went downhill. I told him we needed to stop, and to be able to keep away from him I treated him like shit. Junsu and Yoochun sided with him, and then they all left. Leaving Changmin and me behind.  
Jimin stares at Yunho.  
\- That, he says. That is really terrible. I’m so sorry to hear… We also got caught, Namjoon walked in on us, and told us to stop. And I… I kind of did the same as you. Because I’m... Jimin bites his lips before he admit it. Because I'm afraid, not so much for myself but for Jungkook. He… I.. I just want to protect him…  
\- From what?  
\- From... from..., Jimin searches the words, and do not fully understands he felt like it, until he utters it.  
\- I want to protect Jungkook from being gay, he says. As blunt and terrible as it sounds like. I want to protect him from hiding in cheep hotel rooms with me. Getting caught or living his whole life lying. I want to protect him from homophobia and disappointments. From the other members, our company, the fans and the world. I want to protect him from the whole damn world.  
\- By leaving him?, Yunho asks rhetorical. What does Jungkook wants?  
\- To me with me, Jimin says almost as a whisper. But I do not think he fully understands the danger of that.  
Yunho smiles sadly.  
\- Do you fully understand the danger of leaving him?, he conquers.  
And Jimin is quiet.  
\- Jaejoong lost it all, because I was doing exactly what you are doing. He had no choice but to leave TVXQ because an idiot like me broke his heart. Do you know how many times a day I regret my decision? Today, ten years later I still have a hard time looking at him. You saw him today, he is still the most enchating person I ever met. And we are both more gay than ever. Sexuality won’t go away that easy. If it did, you wouldn’t be here with me.  
\- But Jungkook likes both woman and men, Jimin tries. Without me he can fall in love with a woman and never fear for his career.  
\- Or a man? He might also meet another man, and then all of the problems you describe will still be there, Yunho argues. Love and attraction is never easy.  
\- No it is not, Jimin agrees head spinning with toughts. All coming back to one person; Jungkook.

\- Did you ever ask for forgiveness?, Jimin asks later.  
Yunho looks at him, still sitting draped in red sheets, a great sadness in his voice and eyes as he shakes his head slowly.  
\- I tried. But it was too late. And no matter how I try, nothing will ever repair the damage that I've done to us both. I know I might not know you well enough to say this; but don't let history repeat itself Jimin.


	17. I know what I am (I know what I am)

Some people just got it, and Harry Styles is truly one of them, Jungkook has never met anyone with a stronger star quality. Going out people turn their heads after Harry, but he just smiles nice and patiently not seeming to mind at all.  
\- Since I stoped looking at socialmedia some yeas ago, I really don’t mind, Harry says when Jungkook asks. Socialmedia can be a terrifying place, but outside of Internet most people are nice. We all become much nicer when we can see the reaction on each others faces.  
Jungkook nods.  
\- Makes sense, he answers. But everyone knows you?  
\- I don’t know… many people knows how my face looks like. But that doesn’t mean that they know me. I’m also kind of private, you know. And sometimes I go to places where I can hide better, like Japan. Japan is a good place for me to walk unnoticed, Harry smiles.  
Jungkook hides in a hoody or a cap, and passes by unnoticed in London. As they walk down the street to eat something after another late evening in the record studio he put his hoody up and feels kind of good. Or, better than he has in a long time. Working in the studio feels better than he expected, he is having fun. And speaking English for weeks makes it come almost natural. He breath in the fresh evening air and smiles widely at his new friends.  
\- I really like it here, he tells Harry and Ed. You are the stars, and I am the just the friend.  
And Harry looks at him with glittery eyes.  
\- I don’t know, he laughs and blinks.  
And Ed also shakes his head.  
\- No Harry is the star in Europe, he says. And you are the star in Asia. I’m just mediocre everywhere.  
\- That is so not true, says Harry. You are the one selling most records, are you not? Or.. wait is that actually BTS and Jungkook? I don’t know….  
And they all laugh.

Harry is not only the most starlike person Jungkook ever met, he has never met anyone as flirty as Harry either. He seems to be so relaxed in his whole being, not afraid of being too much or misunderstood he directs his ambivalent energy to everyone, including Jungkook. And it makes Jungkook feel stiff, very polite and Korean. But also very queer. Because no one can pass by Harry without noticing his looks and energy. His electrifying energy is everywhere, and Jungkook cannot help to think about his lips sometimes, and body. How would it feels like to have them close to his own?  
They go for a jog around London one early morning and afterwards they lay a little too close in the park and look at the smoggy sky. And Jungkook can feel the energy coming from Harry’s body, the glowing energy of ambivalence. He does not know who Harry has sex with, or he knows he’s been with model-like-woman, like Taylor Swift. But he can also sense something more, ambivalent and not so heterosexual, he might be very much like Jungkook himself.  
When Jungkook was younger he never fantasied about mens bodies, but being with Jimin must have opened up this pandoras box of dreams. Or maybe it is Harry. Jungkook thinks; Harry is also an idol like he himself. Harry has been a surface for fans to project their sexual dreams on to since he was sixteen. And maybe, maybe Jungkook is in need of someone else but Jimin to dream about. And Harry is the perfect choice, because everyone dreams of Harry. He is not a potential lover, but an idol.

\- I think I’ve had sex with about an equal amount of men and woman, but for some reason I always end up falling for the woman. Yea… all my real long relationships have been with women. I guess there are more intelligent and interesting woman than men, in my world so far… Harry smiles.  
Sitting in the window of Jungkook’s rented apartment wearing a Spice Girls band t-shirt and wide jeans, he drinks champagne straight out of a bottle. Jungkook always liked the taste of champagne but he never drank it like this before. Who drinks champagne straight out of the bottle in the living room? ”It taste better,” Harry had said. Jungkook is halfway laying on a shaggy red rug on the floor. Thinking how nice it is to meet someone as queer as him, someone who doesn’t categorize too much. But he does not tell Harry that, no talking about his own sexuality is something he is still very unsure and unused to. Instead he just nods.  
\- Can you pass me the champagne, he smiles at Harry. It is too good.  
\- I told you so, Harry says with a triumphic laughter. This is the perfect way to drink it!  
It is Jungkook’s last day in London, tomorrow he’ll be flying home. And he is terrified. But tries to focus on other things, like the champagne and Harry’s deep dimples and eyes on him.  
\- I feel kind of sad, Harry says. Do you really have to leave?  
Jungkook takes a clunk of champagne, not really answering.  
\- Do you know Mel B and Geri had sex while they were in the band?, Harry suddenly asks pointing at their faces on the t-shirt.  
\- NO?! They had?, says Jungkook.  
\- Yes, some people say they were in love, and Mel B recently told the media they had sex once. Can you imagine fans reaction!? But Mel B did not ask Geri before she talked to the press, so Geri was outed without wanting or knowing. Not a nice thing to do at all, terrible actually.  
Jungkook drinks some more and thinks abut Jimin. He doesn’t want to think about him. He has done his best not to. To move on. Move on? To sing his heart out and work his ass off. And think about others. Or; mostly Harry Styles. But the emptiness is still there. A physical longing in his chest, like something inside of him has been broken for good.  
\- Revenge?, he says. Maybe Geri broke her heart?  
\- Yes, says Harry with a melancholy look on his face. Maybe she did? Or it might also have been a desperate way for her to try to save Geri from self hating hetero life. She recently married some boring dude, I think.  
Jungkook nods, still thinking about Jimin’s. His crying face the morning before he left.  
\- A combination. Maybe? She wants to save her, but if she doesn’t want to be saved. She wants …revenge?  
Harry moves around in the window.  
\- That must be it!, he says clapping his hands.  
And then he ads, suddenly more seriously:  
\- But the thing is; I really love the idea that they were in love. It is the ultimate girl group or boy band fantasy. For the fans I mean. So…. who do you have sex with Jungkook?  
Jungkook feels his body and head go bang. What kind of followup question is that? Who asks that? He is all alone with Harry Styles. He cannot be asking because he…? No, that cannot be it? He is Harry Styles. And in London this might be a total normal question. Harry also just talked about his own sexuality as if that was any other topic, normal and not strange at all.  
\- That depends, I’m quite picky… but woman or man, doesn’t mind.  
He says, because he really does not know why he should be lying.  
\- You mean that you have sex with both woman and men?, says Harry staring back at him with an intense look on his face. And the he claps his hands again, like a happy kid.  
\- I knew it! Or; I wished it was so. You are too ambivantly interesting to be hetero.  
Jungkook looks down at his own hands, not knowing what to do with himself he feels his cheeks turn red. He has only ever talked to four people about this; Jimin, Rose, Taehyung and Namjoon. And why? Why did Namjoon have to be one of them?  
\- But Korea, he says. In Korea it is very hard. So don’t tell, never tell anyone.  
\- No, says Harry. No matter what happens, I’m not like Mel B, I cross my fingers.  
Jungkook is still looking at his hands when his brave words comes to him.  
\- Wait, I have not broken your heart yet, he says with a voice that sounds like someone else and then he looks up. Straight into Harry’s eyes, who is looking at him almost shyly. He never seen Harry shy. Can he be shy?

\- I’ll open another bottle, Harry mutters when Jungkook turns their second bottle upside down, to show him with a disappointed look that it is empty.  
And when he comes back he place himself close to Jungkook on the rug. While he opens the bottle with his both hands concentrating, Jungkook can feel his tights touching his own and it feels electric. Dreamlike.  
\- How picky are you?, says Harry suddenly.  
Their legs still touching and his mouth a little too close to Jungkook’s.  
\- How do you mean? Jungkook whispers.  
\- I don’t know, says Harry. Just maybe… I don’t know...  
His long eye lashes flutters, Jungkook never realized they were so long before. He examines them in wonder and then… then he closes his eyes because he knows, he knows Harry will kiss him. There is a hot tongue against his own like a question at first and then when he opens his mouth it moves hungrily and rough. And he answers even more hungrily. It feels surreal. And he is desperate for more. He presses his body up against Harry's who answers equally desperate. He moves his hands over Jungkooks backside and Jungkook feel his body coming alive. It all goes so quickly, from talking to painting up against each others body. And he grabs Harrys Spice Girl t-shirt to pull it over his head. But it get stuck around Harrys head, and they both stop to laugh. Two happy laughter close to each others. Stomachs bumping up and down against each other. And then Harry takes his t-shirt off by himself.  
\- Happy now?, he say and they stare into each others eyes still laughing.  
Those deep dimples all on display. And then Jungkook let Harry take his shirt off and they are all over each other again. This is so strange, he thinks. Who would have thought a country side boy from Busan would be making out with Harry Styles? How could Harry want someone like him?  
Harry kisses his nipples needy and he grasps. Forgetting who they both are. He is so hard, he just wants them both to be naked now.  
\- Can I? Harry asks as he if he was thinking the same thing fingering on Jungkook’s jeans bottoms and Jungkook nods.  
The jeans goes down, and the boxers. And there is a warm mouth, a pair of perfect lips around his hardon. And he lets out a loud sound and Harry looks up at him with a satisfying grin.  
\- Does it feel good?  
\- Yes, answers Jungkook in Korean. 예, or I mean yes. Yes.  
\- 예, echoes Harry with an English accent and then he continues.  
He continues and Jungkook is laying with his back against the rug. All naked and turned on, on the verge on everything. But suddenly the familiar feeling comes over him, he needs to cover his face. He cannot relax if he does not find something to cover his face with. He feels bare and exposed. Turned on but also self aware. An anxiety growing in his chest and Harry stops.  
\- What happened? Did I do something?, he asks with raspy voice.  
\- No, everything perfect. I just need… I need to cover my face?  
And Harry does not ask why, he just moves the rug under them so it covers Jungkook’s face.  
\- Better now?, he asks. Tell me how to continue?  
And under the rug Jungkook feels safe.  
\- Just.. what you just did.  
And Harry starts again and he tries to relax. He relaxes and goes with the flow of it, but when he comes. When the world is full of stars there is also a face. The most beautiful face he knowns, and it is not Harry's. Jimin face is like an explosion in his heart. And he is glad Harry cannot see the tears pouring down his face under the rug. He misses Jimin so much, he will never ever feel whole again.  
\- Are you okay?, asks Harry sensing something is up again.  
\- Yes, it was good, I just…  
He dries his tears and crawls out from under the rug.  
\- I just, I have not had sex since I broke up with… with what shall I call him? I don’t know, but got emotional.  
Harry looks at him, bare chest full of tattoos, jeans and a soft green eyes.  
\- Did he brake your heart?, he asks.  
And it is something about him that makes Jungkook want to tell him all. He just wants to tell Harry. So he puts on his boxers and jeans and then he does. He tells it all in his broken English. And Harry listens and then he says.  
\- I’ve been through the same thing, many years ago. It was the worst thing I ever done.  
Jungkook stares at him.  
\- Do you know Larry Stylinson?, Harry asks. A lot of fans thought me and Louis were together, and that management covered it up. And we kind of were, or not if you ask Louis. And not in that beautiful romantic way the fans wanted to believe.  
Jungkook nods slowly.  
\- We were very young and growing up in a heteronormative environment, I just assumed I was straight. You know I also liked sex with woman. Woman turned me on, a lot, Harry continues.  
But Jungkook doesn’t really follow.  
\- Hetero, what?, he asks.  
\- A heteronormative environment. Like in heterosexual; men and woman being turned on by each others. And that it is seen as the norm, what is expected from everyone.  
Jungkook nods.  
\- And if you are a man and turned on by men, you need to come out and tell everyone that you are gay. And as long as you do not, you are seen as straight. Do you follow?  
\- Yes, the world. How it is in the word.  
\- Yes exactly. And if you are turned on by both woman and men you might confuse the hell out of people, but also yourself. Like am I gay or straight? In a heteronormative environment there are no room for in-betweenness, or complexity. So I did not understand at all at first, when me and Louis started to fool around.  
\- Fool around?  
\- Ah, make out, have sex…. You know like a fool, and then around.  
\- Hahaha… I like that expression, Jungkook smiles. You and Louis was fooling around?  
\- Yes, and I was very confused. But then I got to know other queers and read online about others experience and so on. But Louis just could not handle it because he was convinced that he was straight. Or wanted desperately to be straight. I don’t know. But he could never fool around without one beer in his system. Not because he was actually drunk enough to loose control, but because it was symbolic. If he had been drinking it was not about real infatuation or love, you know? He also deceived his girlfriend, it was not nice. But I liked him too much to care. And then is was the shipping. Larry Stylinson was on everyones lips.

\- Later, like recently we talked about it once while drunk. And then he said: "Why go for a man if you are also attracted to woman? It is an unnecessary choice. Stupid." I tried to tell him that; maybe falling in love is not so much about choices as you think. Or maybe the less stupid thing to do is to be brave. To be brave and try to change the world instead of hiding. Then he admitted it; that he was still in love with me. He was still in love but he would chooses any day again not to act upon it. And at that point in time I think I felt more anger and pity for him than infatuation or love. He had done and said so many things I did not agree on. So I just shook my head, and moved on.  
\- That is soo sad, Jungkook answers.  
\- It might be a terrible advise. But don’t waste your time on a coward. You cannot save Jimin from his fear. And will only end up hurting yourself even more. He might come back because he won’t be able to stay away from all of this hotness, Harry says letting his fingers teasingly touch Jungkook’s bare chest.  
\- But then he will leave again. He will leave and each time it will feel even worse.  
Jungkook heart aces at the thought. He feels dizzy, seasick.  
\- Did the others know? I mean in One Direction?, he asks.  
\- No, or I think they might have suspected it. But they didn’t want to understand, because it was all too complex. It was also an on and off thing that went on for years, almost until the band called it quit, you know… Not to recommend at all. Since we split I feel soo much better. Free from him, but also from toxic masculinity. I can wave my rainbow flag and be as ambivalent as I want to. And make out with you. Which feelt so fucking good. Dreamlike. I honestly had this huge crush on you ever since I first saw you in the studio. Generally speaking, not only Louis, but most men I have had a thing for have been idiots. But I don’t think you are, not at all. So, if you ever get over him, give me a call right? And maybe…maybe I can get a real chance.  
Jungkook smiles sadly at him. A real chance?  
Then they drink another bottle of champagne, dancing in the living room to Kacey Musgaves. And Jungkook cannot help but kiss Harry again.  
\- Am I an idiot if I want to kiss you, even if I’m in love with someone else, Jungkook asks in-between the kisses.  
\- No you are not, because you told me everything and as long as there are no lying or deceiving involved you are okay, Harry says in a suddenly serious manner. Come here... let’s move to the bed. I really need to see some more of your beautiful body before you leave.  
And Jungkook follows with a small smile on his lips.


	18. Right behind your back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, I will not be able to update until the end of December so this is a temporary ending, a season finale you might call it :) But around Christmas my Jimin and Jungkook will be back.
> 
> I also want to thank you all for reading, commenting and keeping up with the drama. Thank you! 
> 
> Writing fanfic is truly addictive :)

There is this moment when the world goes silent, when it feels like it all stops. And that is when Jimin sees Jungkook sitting on the floor of the dance studio waiting for the choreographers. Almost like a stranger. But just almost. He has longer hair, a small ponytail on his head, a white T-shirt with rolled up arms that shows some new tattoos on his left arm, gray sweatpants and expensive sneakers. Jimin stops in the door. He stops and takes it all in like a prayer, a prayer he didn’t dare to believe in. He cannot bother to think about his own behavior; everything shatters silently in the early morning as he stares at Jungkook. He stares at the most beautiful man he has ever seen, even more beautiful than he remembered.  
Two months have passed since Jimin saw him last time. Two months since he decided they needed to stop and closed the door behind him with dry eyes. Two moth since he almost stoped living. But it feels more like years. A lifetime? Jungkook looks older, more mature: ”rather be dead than cool”, he reads on his arm. But Jungkook looks so cool and relaxed it makes Jimin wonder. Who is this Jungkook? Someone who has been hanging out with Harry Styles in London. A star in a foreign sense?  
Jimin slowly walks into the studio, but Jungkook doesn’t look up, he stares into the studio floor. Shall he greet him? Jimin doesn’t dare to. What shall he say? What can he say? Nothing. He decides to sit at the other end of the room. Still staring. He cannot stop staring.  
Then Taehyung comes into the studio humming loudly on TXT’s Crown.  
\- Dear dance studio, I missed you, he shouts before he hugs Jimin.  
And Jimin hugs him back but doesn’t say a word. Uttering something would announce he is there. And he have a feeling Jungkook doesn’t want him here at all. And who would blame him? Certainly not Jimin.  
Taehyung sits down beside Jungkook, rubbing on his arms.  
\- How are you?, he asks and Jungkook shakes his head a bit, still staring at the floor.

Namjoon watches Jimin and Jungkook’s in the dance studio. They both look vey shaken, but the choreographer doesn’t seem to notice at all. Jimin makes constant misstakes. And Jungkook is working too hard, as if his life depended on the dance. Namjoon himself feels powerless and stupid. What can he do for them? He needs to do something… Can he let them practice separately for a while? Or would that be too strange?  
Then all of a sudden to ad to this terrible nightmare, the choreographer announces that Jimin and Jungkook shall come forward to rehearsal a new part of the dance. She explains how Jungkook should lift Jimin a tiny bit over the ground while Jimin does a small choreography with his arms and legs.  
But Jimin stares at the choreographer as if she said something totally bizarre. And Jungkook looks desperately down into the floor, biting his lip not to meet Jimin’s gaze. Jin, Hoseok, Yoongi and Taehyung all stare at them.  
If it was not obvious before this, they must all know now that the former best friends suddenly are really awkward with each other.  
Not moving Namjoon can see how Jimin searches for excuses, something to say.  
\- I don’t know, he says himself. I think we might need a brake.  
And Hoseok agrees.  
\- Some water would be good, he fills in with a stressed tone.  
\- Brake?, says Jungkook suddenly looking up with angry eyes, shaking voice and sweaty forehead. Why would we need a brake already?  
And then. Then he starts to cry, tears pouring down his cheeks like a sudden waterfall. The others stares at him.  
\- Sorry, he says. I’m just… I don’t know…  
And Namjoon doesn’t know what to do. He wants to comfort Jungkook, but he also thinks he is the last person he wants comfort from. Then Taehyung suddenly stands very close to Jimin muttering.  
\- It is you, is it not?, he whispers with a low almost threatening tone.  
And Jimin doesn’t say a thing, that closed off expression again, staring at Jungkook’s tears.  
\- Nothing is Jimin’s fault. It is me. I’m going to… Never mind. Let’s practice instead of making a drama out of nothing, Jungkook sobs still not meeting Jimin’s gaze.  
\- What is this, what is going on?, Jin wonders.  
But no one answers. Namjoon tries to put a hand on Taehyung’s shoulder. But he shakes it off.  
\- Don’t touch me, I’ll bet you are also involved in this mess. You told them to stop, didn’t you?, Taehyung gruffs.  
Namjoon searches for the words, but the only thing he can think about is that the choreographer and the manger are still in the room.  
\- Sorry, he tells them. We will continue rehearsal later on. Right now we really need to have a meeting just the members and I. Can you please leave the room?  
And as they leave, Taehyung moves close to Namjoon’s face.  
\- Did you tell them to stop Namjoon? Was that how it was?, he spits out.  
Namjoon gasps for air. What shall he… He needs to answer this… but then everyone will know. And the situation of everyone knowing is terribly dangerous, but there is nothing else he can do but to answer. They are all looking at him waiting for an answer.  
\- It was jeopardizing us all, he says trying to sound convincing. I wish there was another way, but there really isn’t…  
And at that Taehyung stares at him in a way he has never done before. Contempt in his eyes.  
\- I will look into my contract, Taehyung says with firm voice. I want to leave. And I hope Jungkook will leave with me as well.  
\- What is this? Jin chimes in with a confused face. What are you all talking about. Am I the only one who doesn’t have a fucking clue?  
Yoongi looks at them with a confused face where he sits on the floor.  
\- I do not understand a thing either. Does this have to do with fan service, and what we talked about before Namjoon? Or what is this?  
\- Okay can we all calm down, Namjoon tries but hears his own voice come out more desperate than convincing and calm.  
\- No, says Jin. It seems like this is something very important. So I think we all have the right to know what it is.  
Namjoon takes a deep breath.  
\- Jimin and Jungkook were doing something they shouldn’t, he says. What exactly is not important, because they have agreed to stop.  
\- Jimin has agreed, Taehyung interrupts. Jungkook certainly never did. He was just left all alone, not even daring to tell anyone because he cared too much for Jimin. You are really inhuman Namjoon. A tyrann.  
\- What did you do? I agree we all have the right to know, Yoongi says looking first at Namjoon and then at Jimin  
And Jimin looks at them before he silently states it, that emotionless expression still on his face.  
\- We had sex.  
\- Sex? As in; sex with each other? What the hell are you saying!?, Jin screams so loud people must hear it outside.  
And when no one protests, he takes the silence as a confirmation, so he continues.  
\- How the fuck could you be so irresponsible? I’m at loss for words. Who are you?  
Neither Jungkook nor Jimin says a thing. And Namjoon feels powerless again, there is nothing he can say or do either. No one prepared him for things like this before he became the leader.  
\- This is… so absurd I don’t know what, Jin continues. I think I need to leave this room for a while. Otherwise I might… say something terrible.  
Taehyung inhales.  
\- You better not, he says. I cannot take anymore of this shit. They are in love and that is suppose to be a beautiful thing.  
\- In love, spits Jin as if it was a joke. In love? What the fuck!?  
And at that Taehyung looses it all.  
\- Have you ever been in love Jin? I don’t think so, you emotionless looser, he screams at the top of his voice.  
Yoongi has been silently watching the others arguing. Namjoon can see how he is fighting to get the pieces together.  
\- So let me get this straight; Jimin and Jungkook you were in some sort of intimate relationship…. and Namjoon found out and told you to stop?, he says with an uncharacteristically shaky voice. So that is why you been so paranoid about fan service Joon?  
Namjoon blinks. This is all really really really getting out of hands. Yoongi moves closer to Jungkook who has stoped crying and are now sitting crawled up on the floor looking very confused. Yoongi lets his hand rest on Jungkook’s back as he continues.  
\- I think Taehyung has a strong point here, he says voice still shaky. This is really not right at all. To be honest; I am really fucking disappointed at you Namjoon. Did you really tell them to stop? And Hoseok what is your role in this? It seems like you know it all?  
Hoseok moves around restlessly, his back against the big mirror of the room.  
\- I stod by Namjoon’s decision because I trust him, Hoseok says with a stressed tone. And I think you all should.  
\- But what? Hoseok?, Yoongi says with a disappointed look on his face on the verge of crying. Why? I mean you are also gay? Standing up for others right should be… I don’t know… basic human behavior?  
\- But this is really not about sexuality, but the group and our safety, Hoseok continues. Namjoon walked in on them in the dorm and they did not even see him at first. I mean what if that had been a manager, or someone else?  
At that Jungkook suddenly stands up and Yoongi's hand on his back falls heavy to the floor. And the others turn their heads to look at him.  
\- Can you all stop talking as if Jimin and I wasn’t in the room?, Jungkook mutters angry.  
\- Yes, Jimin agrees sounding more alive now. I really cannot take this anymore. I need to leave before I also say something I’ll regret.  
Jungkook nods, and for what Namjoon thinks must be the first time today he meets Jimin’s gaze. A surprised look on both of their faces. Fear? And some sort of sprak glowing in their eyes, a common understanding and confusion. Love? Is this how forbidden love looks like? Namjoon wonders.  
\- Yes, let’s go Jimin, Jungkook says with a voice not angry anymore, but full of hold back emotions and tenderness. Namjoon doesn’t think he ever heard Jungkook talk like that before. Then they leave the room. And Namjoon thinks, he thinks; what if they never come back? Is this it? What has he done? But he does not follow them, because he knows everything will turn even worse if he tried to stop them now.

Jimin and Jungkook stands silently outside of the studio, inside the others continue to argue loudly about them. Blaming each other and screaming. It also sounds like someone is crying, it might be Taehyung or Namjoon? Or both of them.  
\- Are you alright? Jungkook asks after a while with a very small voice.  
Jimin's heart is pounding in his chest so loudly, it feels like it will explode. Jungkook’s brown eyes are varm and full of concern. He still looks a bit like a stranger but also so familiar. And Jimin looks right into them again. Varm and full of concern despite all of the things Jimin has done. He shivers.  
\- No, I’m not, he says.  
And Jungkook’s hands are hanging open on each side of his beautiful thighs. Words fly by Jimin. There are no words to explain, just physicality. Their bodys standing too close to each other. He doesn’t know how to continue, but then he does anyhow.  
\- I’m not okay… because… because I missed you terribly, he utters.  
And at that Jungkook smiles a little. The corner of his beautiful mouth moving up slowly.  
\- You did?, he asks.  
\- Yes I did.  
\- When… when… you didn’t answer my… my… text I thought you might have moved on, he stutters.  
\- Moved on?, Jimin whispers.  
The thought so abstract he cannot really understand it. How will he ever be able to move on?  
He thinks about Yunho still missing Jaejoong. And Yunho’s words about leaving. Is Jimin really protecting Jungkook by leaving him? Or is that thought just an excuse, because he himself is afraid. Afraid of forbidden love? Afraid of not being good enough for Jungkook? Afraid of his own desire? And how it might look like from the outside?  
\- When I asked if you were okey, I actually meant about them and their reactions. But never mind. I’m reliefed to know you missed me too, Jungkook says. I have been a wrack.  
Jimin chest aces of longing. He cannot do anything but to speak the truth. The painful truth.  
\- I missed you so much, it is like the only emotion I have right now. I cannot manage to care about the others, he says.  
\- Then let them argue, says Jungkook. If you do not mind I do not either.  
And all Jimin can think about is love. What is love? This overwhelming emotion that fills his whole being.  
Jungkook takes a step closer.  
\- Can I give you a hug?, he asks with a cracked voice and fragile face.  
The smell is dizzying, the presence of his body so close. Jimin nods. He nods. And then Jungkook’s arms embrace him. They embrace him and his heart bangs against his ribs like it wants to come out of his chest. And his skin tingles. And he buries his face against Jungkook’s neck. The soft skin against his own skin. He feels alive, like he is finally able to breath. And he does not care about the consequences of it. Becuse it might be all. All he needs.  
\- What does it mean that you missed me? Jungkook whispers close to his ear.  
\- I don’t know, Jimin answers. I don’t know.  
\- Shall we leave this place and continue this conversation elsewhere?, Jungkook asks taking a step away from the embrace.  
And Jimin's whole body is screaming for him to come closer again. But Jungkook doesn’t. He looks at him with a question in his eyes. And Jimin nods, needing but not daring to grab Jungkook’s hand as he follows him out of BigHits building.


	19. A house made of cards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, sorry for the late update. Life got in the way of writing :( But here it finally is, the next episode of Fan service.

The practice room still smells like sweat and hard work, but no one is dancing anymore. No, everyone is quiet. Jungkook and Jimin left the room, the two of them just opened the door and walked out. The implication of what it might mean hangs heavy over the remaining five: Jin shakes his head in disbelieve, Yoongi stares at the door where they disappeared, Hoseok moves restlessly, Taehyung cries silently into the late evening, and Namjoon. Namjoon does not have a clue of what to do.  
\- Okay so what do we do now?, comes Taehyung’s voice sniffing in the silence of the room. Namjoon looks at Taehyung’s expression; a combination of anger and sadness.  
\- What shall we do Namjoon?, he spits out between dry lips again as if Namjoon did not hear him the first time. You created this mess of a situation…. YOU Namjoon!  
Namjoon wants to disappear from the room and the entrainment world, crawl back into a dark room and never make an important decisions again. What does he answer?  
\- Wow! I really think you are misleading your anger, Jin spits back equally angry before Namjoon gets a change to open his mouth. Jungkook and Jimin created this situation. Namjoon just wanted to help them out. Taehyung’s face fire up with anger at his words.  
\- HELP THEM?! You people are sick!?, he screams at the top of his voice.  
And Namjoon thinks; Jin will punch Taehyung’s face any minute, or if not, Taehyung will punch Jin. So, even though he wants to disappear. Even though he has a hard time breathing, hyperventilating our of fear and uncertainly, he tries to go back to reasoning.  
\- I know I am far from perfect, but I tried my best, he starts but then the reasoning gets emotional. What should I have done? What do you want from me!!! I mean what leader of a Korean boy band would support a sexual relationship between two of the members? Tell me WHO?!! It is suicidal. Dangerous and naive to think it will end in anything but a tragedy, Namjoon hears himself cry.  
The room is silent again, the others only staring at him and his uncharacteristic outburst. Tears streaming down his face. And he thinks he might actually have reached them with his honest emotions.  
But then Yoongi clears his throat.  
\- I only knew one who would, and that was the leader of BTS, he mutters coldly despite of Namjoon's honesty. But I guess I misjudged him. Or us. I must have misjudged BTS, our sincerity, what we stand for… In the end we might only be here to make money like everyone else in the business?! So much for self love and equality.  
His words feels like punches in Namjoon’s stomach, because in one sense he knows Yoongi is right. Love should always conquer fear. And Namjoon made the decision to tell them to stop out of fear. Fear to loose what they have, but also fear for Jimin and Jungkook’s safety. But then again during his time as a leader of BTS Namjoon learned that decision making is never black and white. It is always more complex than it might looks like at first sight. Right or wrong? Fear or love? What seems right in a situation might not always be the best option.  
\- Thank you Yoongi!, Taehyung claps his hands loudly. This is truly ridiculous.  
\- RIDICULOUS is the word, comes Jin’s angry voice again. RIDICULOUS people. What utopian world do you live in? So unbelievable naive I feel embarrassed….  
And at that, the so far silent and uncomfortable looking Hoseok also starts to cry. He cries so hard, Namjoon feels the need to hug him. He moves closer to his thin body.  
\- What do you think Hoseok?, he whispers while patting his bony back.  
\- I think… I think all of you must know something about being gay in Korea and our culture, Hoseok starts. It has always been a hidden world. A world only for us. And I… I tried to show Jimin this togetherness, because I thought this thing with Jungkook was dangerous. Like Namjoon, I thought fans and foreign media might pick up on it. I also believed their crush to be transitory… like a sudden bi-curious confusion from Jungkook’s side. Being heterosexual I do not think you can fully grasp what it means to have sex with men in this world. I never want the public to know, I never dream about ”coming out” in a Western sense. And it is not only because of homophobia. Even if few Koreans know it gay people already owns the world, our own on world. Hiding in gay-bars and motels has become a part of my sexuality. It is what it is, and I do not want it any other way. What I am trying to say is that the gay-world has another logic than the heterosexual. And Jimin belongs there. My decision had little to do with making money or the business of BTS. Just as I protect myself, I wanted to protect them from the public eye.  
Taehyung looks at him with big eyes.  
\- Hoseok, I do not know anything about having sex with men. But I do know a lot about love. And Jungkook is in love with Jimin. I have never seen anyone so heart broken in my whole life. There is a thing called bisexuality you know. And it is very real. Hoseok smiles sadly.  
\- Yes it might be, but it still very stupid to fall in love with your bandmate. Dangerous and unnecessary… I mean there are so many other men out there to fall for, and have sex with.  
\- But love does not work that way, Taehyung states sadly.  
\- No, you cannot choose your feelings like that, Yoongi continues. And as I have understood it from all of you today, and maybe most so Jimin and Jungkook’s own behavior, feelings already happened. We cannot do anything about it. Their emotions are theirs to handle. I know Namjoon and Hoseok; you might not have done what you did out of pure evil, but I am still so fucking disappointed. I really thought we were different when it came to love.  
\- Yes…. just please Namjoon…. stop underestimating love! Taehyung pleads, voice loud and angry again.

They leave the dance studio without agreeing on anything. It is a very frightening thing. Before this they also argued, but they always figured out how to handle it the end. But this is. How do you handle this?  
Everyone seems to be angry except for Namjoon. He is not angry. No, the truth is he understands all of his bandmates reactions. Even if contradictory, they all seems reasonable somehow. Fear and love. Reason and feelings. He is not angry at anyone, except for maybe himself. Should he have reacted differently? Was there ever really another way for him to behave in the situation? What would have happened if he just quietly left the room after walking in on Jimin and Jungkook. Pretended he never saw them tangled up. Letting it be their business, and not his? Knowing is own personality he knows it would be very had. That kind of secret would eat him up from inside.  
Namjoon is not angry, no his feelings are way worse than anger. He feels powerless and scared shit. It frightens him to fall asleep without figuring out what to do. There must be a way to handle the situation? It also frightens him to fall asleep not knowing what will happen between Jimin and Jungkook.  
He returns to his own apartment instead of the dorm, because it feels safer at first. He wish he could just hide away in there forever. But at a second thought he is not sure it is a good option to be alone, he feels lonely and paranoid. Tries to fall asleep, but fails terribly. Gets out of his bed and walks around in the apartment. Wanders back and forth thinking through different scenarios. Taking notes like he was a detective and this was a crime scene he needed to solve. Who's crime is this? His own? The world's crime against the queer ones?  
What if Jimin and Jungkook decides to stay together? And Namjoon lets them be, and Jin and Hoseok gets so afraid that they decide to leave BTS. What shall he do then. He can really understand the fear that Hoseok carries around about getting exposed. And not just the media exposing Jimin and Jungkook, but Hoseok himself. It is all so fragile.  
But then if Namjoon instead forbid them from being lovers again, then Jungkook and Taehyung might leave. And maybe Yoongi and Jimin too? Namjoon sees it front of him a little too clearly, like it already happened. The four of them will create their own new band, a very successful one. Yoongi as the leader and producer. Somehow Namjoon starts to think about JYJ leaving TVXQ... and he shakes his head and goes on into a new senario.  
What if media finds out about Jungkook and Jimin? What if, terrible thought, there is as in many scary scandals a sex tape? Or; what if they just brake each others hearts and have to continue working together? And like that he carries on all night, painting scenarios but always failing to come up with a good solution.

Jimin is sitting in Jungkook’s ugly sofa. Jungkook can see that his hands are trembling, but his eyes are like candlelights in the grey apartment. They are still wearing training cloths. Jimin is sitting crawled up in Jungkook’s sofa in a big white t-shirt and black Adidas pants looking as beautiful as only he can. And Jungkook feels self aware, sweaty and smelly, long hair sticky and warm, he needs to shower and change before they talk. But he is too afraid Jimin would get cold feet, and suddenly leave, if he did.  
\- Do you want something to drink?, he says instead. Beer? Soda?  
\- A beer would be good, Jimin answers with dark voice.  
Jungkook has almost forgotten Jimin that has a voice like that. He remember his high pitch tone and talkative side, his beautiful smile, but this serious masculine voice that is also Jimin, he must have wiped it out of his memory. Why? Because it felt too personal. Too painful to think about how Jimin is everything in this world. Everything complex and beautiful.  
Jungkook gets two beers out of freezer and sits down in the other corner of the sofa, not too close to Jimin’s splendid body. Jimin drinks faster than he usually does. Without saying a word he finish his beer. Jungkook sips nervously on his.  
\- Where shall we start?, he tries to start the conversation.  
But Jimin does not answer with words, instead he crawls closer to Jungkook. His hands are still shaking. Jungkook’s heart beats like crazy, his body lonely and longing, there is nothing he rather do than kiss Jimin. The energy between their bodies makes him weak and dizzy. And Jimin reaches his hand out to touch Jungkook’s leg. A familiar fire growing, as the trembling hand slowly moves up his thighs.  
It is not only his hands but Jimin’s lips are also shivering, a wrinkle between eyebrows. And Jungkook needs to kiss his breathtaking beautiful lips. He needs to feel them against his own. But he does not lean in, no instead he takes Jimin hand to move it away from his leg.  
\- Jimin, he hears his own voice. We need to talk first.  
But Jimin refuses to move away, instead he takes Jungkook’s embarrassingly sweaty hand in his. And it feels all too good to let go. So Jungkook lets him hold it.  
\- I… Jungkook’s starts. But then all of a sudden Jimin moves again. His trembling pouty lips brushes tenderly against Jungkook’s lips, not really a kiss but more like a question. Can I kiss you?  
And Jungkook shakes his head.  
\- Talk, he says. Even if you do not feel the need to… I really need to talk… And Jimin nods slowly still holding on to Jungkook’s hand.  
\- But I do not know what to say, Jimin whispers, that raspy dark voice again. I do not know what to do with this inexorable longing…. I just know that whatever I do, it never seems to go away.  
\- Not mine either, Jungkook answers. But I cannot handle you leaving again. So if you plan on leaving, let’s just stop here. Okay?  
And at that Jimin lets go of his hand. It feels empty and lonely, but Jungkook leaves it be.  
\- Can I have another beer, Jimin says. Or two?  
Jungkook nods and gets up to get a whole package of beer. When he put them down on the coffee table, Jimin greedily grabs one, opens it and drinks it as fast as he finished the first one.  
\- I had sex with someone else while we were apart, Jimin suddenly utters matter of factly. Jungkook feels his heart stop.  
\- Was it a man?, he hears his own desperate voice.  
\- Yes it was, Jimin confirms.  
Jungkook also finish his beer quickly. An unfamiliar desperation growing deep within, a sudden new fear. Uncertainty and self doubt. Jealousy? Jungkook never was the jealous type before. But imagining Jimin with another man makes him feel like throwing up. Is this how the story about them will end? Was Jungkook role only one to make Jimin realize he is into men. And now he has played his part and Jimin will fall in love with others, mature gay men who is not in the same band as him. Hot stranger who Jimin did not grow up with, knowing all of their immature and childlike characteristics as he does Jungkook’s.  
\- Who was it?, Jungkook says not being able to hinder himself.  
\- That is not important, Jimin mumbles. We were drunk and met at a gay bar. It was kind of a one night stand, nothing more.  
\- So was it good?, Jungkook stresses.  
\- Not as good as with you. But better than all the woman I ever slept with, Jimin says and drowns another beer.  
Jungkook feels like crying. Why does he feel like crying although Jimin just gave him a compliment.  
\- Did you fuck him?, he hears himself go, like that was important.  
\- No, says Jimin. Or, he fucked me…. Because I think…. I just needed to verify how gay I am.  
\- I need to know who it is, Jungkook says again although he understands how childlike and immature he must sounds like. Where did you go, a motel?  
\- Yes, we went to a motel that both him and Hoseok said was safe. Owned by two lesbians. So you do not have to worry about media. And it was a one night stand, it will not happen again.  
\- Then tell me who it is, is it someone I know?, Jungkook repeats as a mantra.  
\- Why is it so important?  
\- Because I will not be able to let it go before I know.  
Jimin moves around restlessly in the sofa.  
\- At the time I also thought you might have something going on with Harry Styles, he says voice cracking up. You know I saw this picture of you two, and started to imagine stuff.  
Jungkook swallow down his own jealousy. Oh right Harry… Harry with his deep dimples, champagne habits and skilled tongue.  
\- You dumped me, Jungkook answers. You should have seen me, I was an ugly mess, not sure I could make it without you. But then I did. And I came to London. And Harry. I do not know... hanging out with him helped me a lot.  
\- So, you did have sex with him?, Jimin says.  
\- One time, Jungkook admits. But I actually started crying in the middle of it, and not as when we had sex because I was happy, but because I missed you. Such a pathetic thing to do.  
Jimin's eyes goes wide.  
\- You cried?, he says with a high pitch tone.  
Jungkook nods, feeling pathetic and brutally honest. And then Jimin suddenly starts to laugh. Why is he laughing? Jimin throws his head back and laughs like a manic, a mad man.  
\- It is not funny at all, Jungkook mutters. The most tragic things I ever done…  
\- It is funny, laughs Jimin. It is. Because I also started to cry when me and Yunho had sex. Even if it was very good, I started to cry because you were not there and I missed you too much. Having sex opened up this abysmal of great loneliness inside of me that I could not control.  
Jungkook looks at Jimin's beautiful face, eyes sparkling.  
\- What?!, he says and then instead of laughing like Jimin, he starts to cry.  
He does not even cover his face, he just cries like an abandoned child. And Jimin stops laughing, and puts his strong arms around him. Their bodies so close together again after what feels like forever. And when Jungkook manage to calm down a bit Jimin strokes his greasy hair, and whispers tenderly.  
\- We are crazy Jungkook. Crazy. What shall we do?  
\- I do not know. But whatever happens, just do not leave me again like that, Jungkook begs.  
And when Jimin does not answer, Jungkook feels too happy to be close again to push him away, instead he changes the subject.  
\- So, Yunho as in Jung Yunho? The legend?, he asks quietly.  
And Jimin nods.  
\- Yes, I started to cry when I had sex with the leader of TVXQ.  
The thought of Yunho could potentially make Jungkook feel inferior and very small. But it does not. No, imagining Jimin with another man does not feel as terrible anymore. He did it because he needed to know how it felt like, Jungkook understands. And knowing Jimin missed him even in that specific moment makes it less frightening. Yunho also seems like a reasonable person, hot and at the same time safe and mature. A good choice when Jungkook do not think about him a threat.  
\- Good choice, Jungkook manage to get out of himself. Is that a strange thing to say?  
Jimin smiles; that smile that stops the world.  
\- No, he says. I think Harry was a high class choice as well.


	20. Please raise your voice, so that I can laugh again

Jimin does not want to think. He does not want to calculate or analyze. No, he just wants to feel. The only thing he wants to do is dive deep into that feeling… that feeling that he missed more than anything in this world; Jeon Jungkook. Jungkook who sits crawled up in the sofa dressed in a white T-shirt with rolled up sleeves and grey sweatpants. Jungkook who had sex with one of greatest sexsymbol of our time Harry Styles, and started to cry because he missed Jimin. No makeup on, and a soft honest gaze meeting his. Long dark hair in a small pony tail on his head. Jimin just wants to feel it all without distractions from the outer world. Take that hand that is now covered with tattoos; ARMY all over those familiar knuckles. Hold them tightly again and leave all thoughts behind.  
But Jungkook cannot let the outer world pass.  
\- Jimin?, he asks like a question. Jimin, what shall we do?  
And Jimin does not want to think, because all potential answers scares him. Shall he turn away from Jungkook again? He does not think he will be able to let Jungkook go. He is too egocentric to leave again. Too addicted to Jungkook’s thoughts and body. To all of those feelings he brings out inside of him. Jimin stare at Jungkook without answering. He stares at him, and it is like a maddening magnet.  
\- Jimin, what are you thinking?, Jungkook asks like a prayer.  
Jimin does not want to think, because he is not sure he can face the rest of BTS together with Jungkook either. He is not sure he can risk it all like that. There are way too many fears. He can still hear Jin screaming at them. And he agrees with him. ”How the fuck could Jimin be so irresponsible?” To risk his own career for love is one thing. But to risk Jungkook’s and the rest of the band, that is whole other thing.  
\- Jimin, Jungkook pleads again. What if we tried to talk to them together… if we explained… and agreed on toning down the fan service. If we just… I understand that Jin, Namjoon and Hoseok are afraid… I am too. But we already started. We cannot go back in time and just be friends again… That might really break BTS.  
\- I know, Jimin says quietly. I know.  
And he just wants to press Jungkook up against the sofa, close his eyes and let feelings take over fears. Kiss that beautiful tongue who wants to talk, until they are only bodies moving, skin on skin, flashes of light…and stars in the late evening. But Jungkook cannot do that, he needs Jimin to formulate sentences first, to calculate about the future. The future? When Jungkook looks at him like that, Jimin only cares about the now.  
\- I missed you like a mad one, Jimin says instead of answering.  
\- I know, answers Jungkook. But I need for us to figure some things out before I…  
Jimin bites his own tongue, it feels ungainly, slow and dumb. He cannot think straight when Jungkook is this close. What shall they do?  
\- I do not want to be separated ever again, Jimin manage to say with that slow tongue of his. I don’t think I will be able to leave again… Even if I know how egocentric it is to stay, I….  
\- Egocentric?, Jungkook wonders.  
\- I never wanted to destroy your life and career, Jimin continues and all of a sudden the words are flowing out of his mouth, although he did not think he could speak. Or the others career… I just wanted to be close to you… I just wanted to… I do not know… hold you, fuck you? Hide from the rest of the world together. But I think it turned into…. love? I think it might be love. And I still think a love like this is too dangerous… it is like walking on thin ice… an ice that is bound to break. And I don’t know… I really do not know what to do…  
Jungkook looks at him, silently, lips shivering and eyes glossy.  
\- How about you, yourself and you career?, he asks sadly.  
\- If it was only me I would risk it anytime, Jimin says and as he says it he knows it to be true. But this is not only about me. I know I am contradicting… and confusing. But I guess the truth is that my head is a mess. One minute I want to protect you from this and what we might lead to. And the other minute I am too greedy to leave.  
Jungkook is silent again, looking at him with a toughtful look and then he slowly shakes his head.  
\- Jimin, if you think that you are protecting me by leaving me that is not true. AT ALL. The truth is that you are hurting me, he says. I know what I want and I can take responsibility for my part of it. I know the risks and I have been willing to take them the whole time. I am not a kid that you need to protect, anymore. You are making us both more stupid than we deserve.  
Jimin can feel the tears. They are pouring down his checks, like Jungkook’s words opened a waterfall within him.  
\- But it is not only about us Jungkook, he cries desperately. There are so many other people that depend on BTS. How about ARMY and BigHit and the members and South Korean pride and our families…  
\- How about you, yourself? The most important one in your life?, Jungkook asks softly almost like he was singing it to Jimin.  
\- Jimin, this might sound extremely narcissistic. But I think you should stay with me because you want me. You owe that to yourself. No one elses need should matter more.  
And Jimin knows, that it is it. He is tired to the bones of holding it all back for the sake of… he is not even sure for what reason anymore. Walls of fear, leads to new walls of fear. And he might have been lost in them for too long now.  
\- Okay, he agrees silently. You might be right. I am just so afraid that I am not sure of what I am afraid of anymore. If I am scared that you will be hurt, that I am lacking, that everybody will find out, that I am gay, that my family will be hurt. That ARMY will be hurt. Or the members… Or if I am afraid of love. Of how to love the right way. How do you love people the right way?  
Jungkook's beautiful hand takes Jimin’s. And Jimin cannot stop crying. He is crying, and that hand is so warm and big and soft. He might have underestimated that hand, like an overprotective parent he might have neglected the hand of an intelligent grownup who can take responisblity for his own actions.  
\- I don’t know how to love either, Jungkook says softly. But I think the questions you are describing are connected; love and fear. And maybe… maybe a good start is to try to accept and love yourself despite of your fears. It is human to be scared, but you are loosing yourself to your fears. You are so fucking fantastic Jimin, I have never meet anyone I rather be with…  
And Jimin is still crying, unable to speak but nodding.  
\- Just give us a real chance… please. I know we need to talk to the others and explain. Yes, either way we have to, Jungkook continues. They are not terrible people, I think that if we just give them all a chance to understand…. I mean… we can learn how to hide better… And if we fail to, yes if we do… I am ready to risk it. I know we have to be… to continue, I am not stupid or naive. Our careers would take a terrible turn if media found out, many fans would leave. But there will still be music and love, and other fans will stay and recognize themselves in us, and gain strength from our choices. It will not be the end of the world…  
And Jimin looks deep into Jungkook’s brow eyes, and yes. There is no other answer but; yes. This is not the end of anything.  
\- Yes, he says with cracked up voice. You are right. I will try my best not to be a coward… You are the best, and… I might… I might deserve the best.  
And Jungkook smiles almost shyly. That deadly gorgeous duality.  
\- Thank you, he stutters. I am not the best. But I love you and I hope that is good enough, now… I really need a shower… I smell terrible. Embarrassingly bad…  
Jimin has at last stoped crying. He leans in teasingly to smell Jungkook's body.  
\- I do not believe you, he smiles. Even your sweat smells amazing to me… And I'm all drained out… laughing like a mad man and then crying. Maybe we should… save some time and water and shower together…

Jungkook looks at Jimin in the bathroom. He looks different. Red puffy eyes and cheeks, but that is not it. It is something in his glossy eyes. It is like something has fallen within them; a wall of fear.  
A wall of fear has fallen.  
And Jimin reaches out to touch Jungkook’s hand softly, like a new type of question. And then Jimin starts to undress. He takes his white big shirt off, leaving his upper lean muscular body bare. And then he leans down slowly and takes his black socks and black Adidas pants off, standing only in a pair of blue briefers his lips move up into a small smile.  
\- Jungkook, take your clothes off. Now. Otherwise I might turn more mad than I already am, he says with that dark demanding voice.  
And Jungkook’s heart skips a bit. As so many times before a raising, speeding heat from within. So familiar but at the same time different.  
It all starts again. It all really truly starts all over again. Jungkook takes his t-shirt off and pants and socks. And they are standing almost naked again. So natural but still foreign and new. And everything is spilling over.  
Jimin leans into the shower and starts the water running.  
The water is running, flowing and Jungkook feel like he might start to cry again. But he does not. No he smiles back at Jimin. And although he suddenly feels shy and self aware, he takes his underpants of. Under Jimin’s intensive stare he lets them drop to the floor and Jimin follow his initiative.  
Jungkook grasp when he sees all of his glorious body. That body that is like a whole world.  
\- Please, he says. God, I missed you...  
And Jimin steps into the small shower. Water flowing all over his soft skin. Hair wet and dripping.  
\- Come, he says reaching his hand out to catch Jungkook’s. Come here…  
And when Jungkook steps in, their naked bodies are so close they graze each other at random places, time and time again. And none of them can help moaning.  
And then at last Jimin’s warm mouth opens up against his own. Plum lips and small hands in his hair. And they fall into each other. Tongues moving slow and then more and more desperate. It taste like home and adventure at the same time. It tastes like realisations and stars. And new questions to be answered.

\- I’m sorry for calling you this early, Namjoon says. But I do not know what to do. I might have made a foul of myself as a leader and worse than that; as a human being.  
\- No need to apologize. You know you can call me, whenever you need to, Bang Shi Hyuk says early in the morning.  
Namjoon has not been sleeping at all. He is still terrified and hesitant. To confess someone else’s secret is terrible. The worst. But everything is already too messed up, there might be nothing more to loose. There is also a big possibility someone else, the staff who must have heard them argue, or some of the other members already told Bang Shi Hyuk. Otherwise there is only a matter of time before the news about Jimin and Jungkook will reach him. And as the leader it is always better to be the first than the last talking to the boss. Even if spilling others secrets are the worst. Namjoon's head is spinning.  
\- I’ll get straight to the point. Don’t be too shocked, he says and takes a deep breath and closes his eyes as if that would make it easier to talk. It is Jimin and Jungkook, they are, hm… They were….  
How does he formulate this in front of his respected boss? He searches for the words again when Bang interrupts him.  
\- Are they in love or are they just fooling around?, he says and Namjoon inhales… panic attacks arising within him.  
He already knows?  
\- I don’t know, he says with a very small voice. Or, maybe... probably in love. I walked in on them during the brake and told them to stop. It was the only reasonable thing I could think of.  
Bang makes a small humming sound, and waits for Namjoon to continue explaining.  
\- And Jimin agreed, so they did. Stop, I mean… But yesterday when we all met for the first time after the brake, it become very evident that something was wrong. And after some drama all of the members found out about it…. So now everything is a mess… People are taking sides and I am afraid… I cannot control any of it. I am afraid… there is no way for me to fix it.  
Bang makes a sound. Namjoon thinks it is out of annoyance.  
\- Why did you not speak to me earlier?, he says. It sounds all too complex for you to handle by yourself.  
Namjoon shakes his head. Why didn’t he?  
\- I did not want to spill other secrets, and I guess… I guess I thought… it was a very private thing to tell you.  
\- But you did not think it was stepping over the boundary of privacy to tell them to stop?, Bang wonders with his most authoritarian voice.  
Namjoon almost never heard him getting angry, but now there is an edge in his voice he recognize as anger. And something maybe even more scary: disappointment. Bang sounds like he wants to scream at Namjoon, but is holding it back.  
\- I do not know. What else? What else could I have done?, Namjoon tries with a trembling voice.  
\- How about pretended like nothing, like it was a private matter. As you would have done if they were sleeping with someone outside of the group. Or called me… At least.. at least before you did something so dangerous and inhumane as telling them to stop, Bang contiues still visably irritated.  
Namjoon feels small, stupid and very young, a bit like a child all of a sudden.  
\- Do you know Changmin and Lee Hyun was a couple when they performed as Homme? Bang continues. It actually made their performances much better. Not to talk about Hyuna and Edawn…  
\- They got kicked out of Cube though, and all of Dawn’s Korean fans left him, Namjoon tries. And they are not even a same sex couple. What would happen to Jimin and Jungkook if people found out? They have not even done their military enlistment yet…  
\- What I’m saying is not that I or you should out anyone here, Bang clarifies. What I am saying is that as an entertainment company or a leader it is never in your place to tell people who to fall in love with. I know a lot of stupid ones who have been trying to, and it is not only inhumane, it has also always ended in a catastrophe for the company. Look at Hyuna and Dawn again. I really think they will be the winners in the end, and Cube the looser.  
Namjoon does not know what to say, he wants to protest… to protect something, but he is unsure of what. His own pride as a leader?  
\- I don’t get why they cannot choose someone else than each other, he hears himself say with an ugly voice. I think it is very unfortunate for them and for all of us…  
\- Unfortunate, yes maybe. But after following them for years I think it is already too late, Bang argues.  
\- What do mean?  
Namjoon feels stupid. He must have turned stupid.  
\- It might be hard for you to see with your, hm, straight eyes, but their dynamic have always been… complex. And it might sound strange and a bit risky for an old gay man like me to say it, but to be honest, I always hoped for them to find each other like this.  
Namjoon does not know what to say, usually good at reading people, this situation have truly turned him stupid and insensitive. The rules of his world turned up side down.  
\- At this point, I think you have to talk to Jimin and Jungkook and see where they stand, Bang continues. And most importantly; leave their relationship to them. If they want to be together, I will not stop them… No, I will actually try to suport them the best way I can. To be honest. I do not want anything more than supporting them. But at the same time I am aware that you are the leader of BTS, and I know that this will effect all of the members. So, I also want you all to agree on it. And if you do not or if they want to part and stay away from each other for a while, we need to think closely on how to continue. I know the writing and creative process for the new album already started, but there are a lot of options on how to solve a situation like this. Subgroups and solo projects… This is far from the first time group members have fallen in love with each other or broke each other heart for that matter either.


	21. Gotta go insane to stay sane

When he wakes up Jimin feels out of place at first. Where is he? What happened yesterday? Flashes of fear and hesitation, members screaming at each other in the practice room. And then he sees the body besides him. Naked. Jungkook is sleeping on his stomach naked besides him. One arm under his head, tangled dark hair and the other arm stretched out infront of him. Soft and muscular, cute and sexy, weak and strong, all at the same time.  
A body like a wonder in the morning sun blasting from the unfamiliar window in the luxury but boring looking apartment. Jungkook’s apartment? Jimin lets his eyes linger on all of the new tattoos spreading out over one of Jungkook’s strong arms. And then he stares at his perfect shaped butt and shakes his head in disbelief. Is this another haunting dream? Will he wake up again desperately turned on, lonely and miserable in his own bed?  
A small headache reminds him of yesterdays beer. Flashes of kisses, of touches and falling walls of fears. He realize he himself is also naked, and he smiles.  
He smiles, because what else can he do? Nothing. He is not dreaming. And right now, he will not let anything hinder the explosions of happiness within him. He smiles and remembers yesterday; a newborn determination and believe, the feeling of being vulnerable and strong at the same time. Hours of kissing and fucking, first in the shower and then in the bed.  
Jungkook’s beautiful body suddenly moves a little, making noises as if he is is awakening. And Jimin realize he must have stolen the duvet from Jungkook in his sleep, because he himself is all covered. He sits up and moves a little closer, trying to put the duvet over them both.  
But then the hot wonder infront of him opens his eyes.  
\- Hi, says Jungkook a little startled, raspy deep morning voice close to Jimin.  
\- God morning, I think I stole your duvet while we were sleeping, Jimin whispers feeling shy and self aware.  
Jungkook rubbs his eyes looking confused, and then he smiles. And Jimin almost forgotten Jungkook had a smile like that. It is strange, he remembers every detail of his muscular body, his serious dark voice and sweaty forehead after training, how his face looked liked when he came, but this childish bright smile that is also Jungkook, Jimin must have wiped that out of his memory. Why? Because it felt too personal? Too painful to think about how Jungkook is everything in this world, everything complex and beautiful.  
\- This feels familiar, but I think you stole my line, Jungkook mumbles still smiling bright and happy while trying to put his unruly hair behind his ears.  
And Jimin remembers; Jungkook stealing his duvet that magic morning in London.  
\- Right!?, he says. This... Is this some kind of reversed deja vu?  
Jungkook's hair fails to stay in place, and a long lock falls down in his face while he stares back at Jimin with an alluring look.  
\- I think I remember how it continued?, he says cheeky.  
Jimin laughs, and thinks he is going to press Jungkook down into the bed and kiss him. But Jungkook is faster. All of a sudden his naked body is pressed up against Jimin’s naked body. Soft skin against his skin. Jimin shivers.  
\- Because this is a reversed deja vu, we will have do everything the other way around this time, Jungkook mumbles before he kisses Jimin.  
Strong determent arms around his starved body. And when he relaxes into the kiss Jungkook leads the way, until everything is Jungkook. Jungkook’s smell and body.  
And then Jungkook starts to kiss his neck. And he can hear them both moan when he moves up to his ear nibbling and sucking. And moans turn to incoherent sounds. A flash from that morning in London. From the Rose Bowl. From many hot mornings and nights. And somehow they all seems to turn into one magic moment: this one. And Jimin is already so hard and high he might come any minute, explode into the morning light. And in contrast to so many sad and desperate mornings the last month, he is not alone. No, is not alone at all. He fumbles shamelessly after Jungkook’s varm determent hands.  
And when one of them encircles his dick, and the other one teasingly touches his butthole, he disappears into that one feeling. That feeling that only one ever made him feel. High up above the rest of the world. How could he ever think he would be able to live without it?  
Jungkook kisses his earlobe again and his heart, dick and whole body beats like crazy. It beats like crazy, and before Jungkook even speeds up the rhythm of his hand, or put a finger into him he comes hard, screaming into the white sheets. And the sheets turns wet and sticky, but he is not ashamed. No, he is seeing stars and his heart feels light and brave. He shivers and moans in aftermaths clinging to Jungkook like a mad man. And Jungkook is chuckling softly, kissing his face.  
\- You are crazy for me Jimin, how could you ever think about leaving, you idiot, he whispers with a cracked up turned on voice.  
And how Jimin loves that turned on voice, he might come again just from it alone.

After Bang hangs up, Namjoon almost drops his new phone into the luxury stone floor in his living room. He stares at his own clumsy hands. He stares at them, and knows: He was wrong. Yes. No matter how he tries to argue with himself and Bang, Namjoon was wrong. He overstepped boundaries he should not have.  
Fear? Yes, fear drove him into ignorance. Fear made him hurt the ones he cares for. Fear. Namjoon knows he is not the first or the last one to fall into that trap. But he feels lika a foul.  
He is a foul.  
Fear will drive people mean and unreasonable, but he did not think it would get to him like this.  
Fear and greed, that is the worst combinations of emotions in this world, he thinks. Who did he pretend to be protecting by letting his fears guide him. Jimin? Jungkook? Himself? The fans? South Korea? BigHits economy? He does not know. But it all must come to an end now.  
He shakes his head furiously. But instead of his normal way of falling into self hate and pity when he does something wrong, he looks out over Seoul, head spinning from too little sleep but determination growing. This is really not about him. It is about Jimin and Jungkook. And love. It might be about love.  
\- Namjoon. You have to make up for this, he says to himself in the quiet apartment. How do you make up for this?  
And then like an answer.  
The phone rings.  
\- It is me, says Jin’s tired voice. How are you holding up?  
\- I am… Okay, Namjoon answers. How are you?  
\- I…. have not been able to sleep… at all. And I really… I do not know what to think or do? What are you thinking Namjoon? What shall we do?, Jin stutters.  
The uncharacteristic vulnerability in the older members voice and those honest words surprises Namjoon.  
\- Do you want to come over for breakfast?, he suggests. I have not been sleeping either, but I think I might finally have figured some things out…  
\- What? What did you figure out?, Jin wonders a layer of panic in his voice.

Jungkook never knew how to stop when it comes to Jimin.  
\- Jimin, he whines. Jimin do not mind the phone… Just… come back here will you….  
And Jimin, who is still naked, but just about to move out of Jungkook’s bed to get his phone that is ringing for the third time now, laughs bright and high making the dead looking apartment come alive. Making Jungkook’s whole world come alive.  
\- What if it is something important?, he protests mildly, but Jungkook can hear from his playful tone that he is already convinced to stay.  
\- Am I not important? Jungkook says pouting with his lower lip. I have been neglected for way too long, let’s just neglected the phone for say like… one or two more hours?  
\- You are so demanding, I think I need to teach you a lesson or two, Jimin smiles with that smiles that stops the world, wicked and widely.  
His thin muscular body all over Jungkook’s trying to overpower him while laughing hysterical, high pitched and brightly. And Jungkook thinks he dares to believe; Jimin is really back. He is back, and nothing else might actually matter as much in the world as Jimin’s smile, his witty tongue and giggle.  
Jimin’s soft skin touches his. And Jungkook feels so happy and reliefed, he could cry but he have cried enough, so he laughs instead. He laughs with Jimin, both of their bodys bubbling with laughter, stomachs vibrating. The greatest of giggles into the now soon lunch to be. Then Jimin suddenly moves around, still giggling he bends Jungkook’s both hands behind his back in a handcuff position.  
\- I said I would teach you a lesson, did I not?, he laughs happily.  
And their laughter slowly turns into heat, that strong feeling burning between their skin.  
\- I think… I think there is nothing else I can do, Jimin mumbles while keeping Jungkook down, mouth pressed close to Jungkook’s bare neck, breathing. I will have to make you come again. Can you do it one more time for me?  
And Jungkook shivers and nods. He nods with his whole body. Goosebumps all over his arms and an erection already growing. Jimin lets go of his hands and starts to kiss him, slowly and varm in his neck, and then all over his back nibbling with his teeth and down to his butt, where his long tongue slowly slide in between his butt cleavage, longer and longer, teasingly. And Jungkook wants more, he groans from the teasing.  
\- Jimin, please go deeper, he begs.  
But then again, the phone rings and this time it does not stop. It rings and rings like a siren into the heated moment.  
\- What the fuck, Jimin swears with dark irritated voice. Can that damn phone just stop!  
And Jungkook turns around from his position to face Jimin instead. He caresses his flushing turned on but irritande face and kisses him desperately, as if it was the last time. This is not the last time, he convinces himself. Who ever is calling, this is not the last time. And Jimin seems surprised at first but then he kisses him back with even more heat. Tongue hot and hard. And all the time the phone is ringing.  
\- I think you need to answer, Jungkook manage to say breaking away.  
His mouth empty, and body still desperately turned on. Later, he argues to himself; this is not the last time… we will continue later.  
Jimin nods.  
\- Yes, it must be something utterly important for someone to keep ringing like that, he says with a sudden small voice.

Jimin steps out of the bed, almost forgetting he is still butt naked when he looks at his phone. He freezes to ice.  
Bang Shi Hyuk is the one calling, and this is not the first time. He has been calling four times already. Yes, while they were clinging to each other like mad men… their much respected boss had desperately tried to reach him. He looks at Jungkook sitting up in the bed, long hair standing out around his head. Panic arising in Jimin.  
\- It is is Bang. What shall I do? Do you think? Do you think… Why would he be call me like a maniac? It is so out of character.  
Jungkook steps out of the bed, and Jimin cannot help but look at his hard on. In this situation he still looks at Jungkook’s dick, it is ridiculous. The phone is still ringing. And he just wants to touch it and suck it, make him come so hard he will never forget... Why is the phone ringing, when Jungkook is here naked?  
\- Are you looking at my dick?, Jungkook says with wide eyes. In this situation?  
Jimin shakes his head. He needs to stop thinking about Jungkook’s naked body infront of him and answer.  
\- I… I could not help but… It is all you fault you know, he stutters.  
And then Jungkook laughs, in this terrible situation he laughs. And Jimin loves that he can make Jungkook laugh.  
\- If it helps you cope. And you promise you will not do anything stupid, like leave me again, you can look as much as you want to, Jungkook says still laughing.  
And Jimin takes a deep breath and stares. He stares first at Jungkook’s dick and then at his beautiful face.  
Then, he answers.  
\- Hi, it is Jimin, he says trying to sound as normal as he can.  
And Jungkook stops laughing. His eyes frighten and stiff, while he tries to smile reassuring for Jimin.  
And Jimin thinks is all too surreal. Talking naked on the phone with BTS creator. Talking naked while Jungkook is naked.  
It might be the strangest of nightmares. It must be a strange surreal nightmare.  
\- Jimin, I'm sorry for calling you so many times, Bang says with a serious but still for the situation strangely normal voice. But I really need to talk to you... as soon as possible. It is important. Can you come by my office?  
And Jimin does not ask what this is about because somehow he already knows. He nods instead, although happily Bang cannot see him.  
\- Yes, sorry for not answering. I turned the sound off, he lies. I’ll be there within an hour.  
\- No problem, I am happy I finally reached you. Speak to you soon, Bang says and hangs up quickly, almost as if he knew he was calling at a bad time.  
Jungkook’s hard on is gone and he is staring at Jimin, soft and pretty. And Jimin fees like all of the colors must have disappeared from his own face.  
\- I think he knows, he says. He wants me to come by right away because he needs to speak to me about something important.  
Jungkook takes a deep breath.  
\- Okay, he says. I’ll come with you.  
Jimin looks at him. He still cannot take his eyes off of his naked body, every little perfect deatail, it is crazy .  
\- I don’t think that is a good idea, he says. We do not know exactly what he knows. And it might make it… very evident how we feel.  
Jimin can see thoughts running through Jungkook’s beautiful head and then he nods.  
\- Mm… yea… that might be right.. But it feels terrible to let you meet him alone.  
Jimin does not know where his sudden strength comes from. He used to be afraid of so many things, but letting go, daring to come back to Jungkook, might suddenly had made him strong. The colors returns to his face and he meets Jungkook’s uncertain eyes.  
\- It will be alright Jungkook, he says. It will be alright. I will go and see what he knows, and I will lie for us if I have to. And if… if he knows it all, I will tell him like it is. We have our stardom, our enormous brand value, I mean what will BTS be without us? So I will tell him; we will leave if they won’t let us be together. Sue them for slave contract or something else and make a big controversy, like JYJ once did. And they will have nothing to hold up against that. A pressure like that, it is not on the map that they will let us go.  
Jungkook stares at him, he stares at him with eyes Jimin recognize from when they were younger. Amazed? Impressed? Can he still impress on the world vide star Jungkook?  
\- I love you Park Jimin, Jungkook says. There is no one as brilliant as you. I will give you a ride and wait in the underground parking. So if you need me, you can just call me and I will come up and help you.  
Jimin nods feeling his determination growing. This time around he will not let anyone step on Jungkook or his love.  
\- Deal, he says.


	22. Make it right

Jimin steps into Bang Shi Hyuk’s office feeling very self aware. There was no time for him to go home, and the only cloths he had at Jungkook’s was the dirty training cloths he arrived in, which would be out of question to show up in. So, now he stands in Jungkook’s black sweater and blue jeans, desperately hoping his clothing looks more consciously oversized than just obviously two sizes too big. Or even worse; as if Jimin is wearing Jungkook’s cloths. He knows wearing Jungkook’s cloths in this situation might be terribly rude and ignorant. But what else could he do?  
\- Hi, he says lowering his eyes bowing as if he done something terribly wrong.  
Did he do something wrong? Is falling in love with your bandmate wrong? All of the strength and confidence he felt with a naked Jungkook infront of him, suddenly disappears at the sight of the man behind the big desk. He who seldom shouts or scolds them, but who’s judgement and thoughts still hangs heavy on Jimin’s shoulders. The type of leader who never purposely dictates others, but who’s position is so high others cannot ignore it when he is in a room. A leader who’s words means the most to Jimin. Sometimes he has been praised when doing good, and nothing feels better than being praised by BTS creator. But this time Jimin is sure of one thing; he will not be praised.  
His head spins and his mouth feels dry. He bows one more time.  
\- Jimin, Bang says. Stop bowing and sit down.  
Jimin looks up at him, feeling so nervous he might faint.  
\- Why are you bowing like that. Did you do something wrong?, Bang wonders.  
And Jimin must have forgotten how to sit down so he bows again, even deeper.  
\- I said; stop and sit down. You make me embarrassed, Bang protests.  
\- I… I, says Jimin still standing.  
The overwhelming presence of Bang making him forget everything he planned to do. Everything he promised Jungkook. Is there really a way to make things right in this situation? What has Jimin done? What has he done to Jungkook?  
\- God dam it; sit down, you are not here to be scolded, Bang continues more irritated now.  
But Jimin is not sure he hears him. He might throw up on the expensive mat, he bites his tongue and bows time and time again.  
\- I… I…, he says again.  
\- Sit down and talk to me. This is ridiculous. If you are bowing like that because you are in love, I might actually change my mind and scold you, Bang says.  
Jimin stops his bowing and stare at him like a scared animal ready to flee.  
\- Wha wha… what… did you say?, he stutters.  
\- If you are bowing like that because you are in love, I might actually change my mind and scold you, Bang says one more time.  
And Jimin finally hears him, and sits down.  
\- Who told you that?, he says with shaky voice.  
\- I do not know if that matters. What I care about is you and Jungkook, are you two alright?, Bang asks with a surprisingly soft tone.  
But Jimin is too nervous and blocked to hear the softness, all he can hear is Jungkook’s beautiful name.  
\- Nothing of this is Jungkook’s fault, he says. As the older one I should have known better.  
Bang shakes his head.  
\- You are clearly not listening to me, he says. Just take a moment and breath. Then tell me what is going on between you and Jungkook. I have been told you were being intimate with each other, and Namjoon told you to stop. Jungkook protested but you agreed, and now everything is a mess. Is that correct?  
Jimin closes his eyes. Is that correct? What is correct? A voice from within him screams. It fills him up and he knows of nothing else.  
\- I love him, he says with eyes still shut. I just want what is best for him, but I love him in a way… I cannot stay away from him anymore. I tried… I really did, but it is impossible for me to stay away because I love Jungkook, I love him madly.  
Then he opens his eyes. Bang looks at him over his glasses and he does not look angry. No, it looks like he smiles. He tries to keep it in, but Jimin sees it. It is not a mocking smile, not at all. He looks happy. Jimin feels perplex.  
\- Do you know how Jungkook feels?, Bang asks with a voice so far from angry he can be.  
And at that Jimin cannot help but smile back at Bang. Suddenly they are both smiling. How could that be?  
\- He loves me back, Jimin says smiling.  
\- I am so happy to hear that, Bang says. You must understand that my idea of you and Jungkook, is that the most messy thing is Namjoon’s involvement.  
Jimin does not know what to answer, all he can see is Jungkook sitting lonely and afraid waiting in his fancy car in the basement of BigHit.  
\- Can I call Jungkook before we talk more?, he asks with tears welling up in his eyes.  
And Bang nods.  
\- Of course you can Jimin.

Jin appears very tiered. Dark circles under his eyes and no make up on to hide it. A green hoody over his messy dark hair. He puts down a delivery box with juk on the kitchen table in Namjoon's apartment and starts to unpack it.  
Namjoon looks at him and ponders what the oldest member would had done if he had been the leader instead. As so many times before Namjoon wonders why he out of all the members was chosen by Bang to have this heavy responsibly?  
Namjoon was the first member, yes, and had always been the one who got the most to say in the creative process. But it had always been obvious that he was filled to the brink with self-doubt and anxiety-problems. The one who undoubtedly had the hardest time to make decisions without regretting them. Bang once said he liked that; Namjoon was not authoritarian, he did not want to decide things or dictate others, he was an intellectual who wanted others to feel great about themselves.  
But Namjoon himself was not too sure, he might just be weak-hearted. Over the years he had tried his best of course, what else could he have done. But sometimes when fear came over him he had turned authoritarian anyway. And a self-doubting scared authoritarian leader might be the worst imaginable. He thinks about Jungkook and Jimin; how are they holding up?  
\- You know you did the right thing, Jin says as if he could hear Namjoon's thoughts. I know you, and I know you are doubting your decisions… but you really should not blame yourself for any of this Joon. I mean; what else could you have done?  
Namjoon looks at Jin and realizes all the things are already set on the table to eat, without him even moving a finger.  
Jin walks closer to him putting a brotherly hand on his tiered shoulder.  
\- Stop analyzing Joon and let’s eat instead. I can tell that you really need some food.  
And Namjoon nods. He nods and they sit down. He really needs to eat, and it tastes amazing despite of it all. Namjoon reaches for some kimchi. He wonders how he shall start this conversation. The suddenly scared and angry Jin from yesterday seems to be gone, as least for now. Instead he has turned into the protective older brother that Namjoon really needs sometimes.  
\- I called Bang this morning, Namjoon starts. I had not been sleeping at all, haunted by different scenarios… I could not think of any other way. You know, this is way too much for me to handle. I am really not competent enough to handle it.  
Jin shakes his head slowly while eating.  
\- No one would know how to handle this Joon, he states sadly. It is an impossible situation, Jungkook and Jimin put us all in a very strange situation. And you did your best.  
Namjoon stares down at his juk.  
\- Thank you, I am not too sure about that, but anyhow, he says.  
\- What did you tell him?, Jin continues trying to sound collected and reassuring, but Namjoon can hear the fear creeping into his voice.  
He look at Jin’s hands on the table and they are shaking like leaves in a storm.  
\- I kind of… I really wished we could have handled this between us, Jin concludes.  
\- Yes, me too, Namjoon agrees. But yesterday proved we could not… and this was my last way out.  
Jin nods hesitant, scared and pale.  
\- How angry is he?, he whispers. What will happen to them?  
\- Nothing will happen to them. Nothing. Bang was actually mostly angry at me, Namjoon confess.  
And at that Jin turns quiet.  
\- Oh, he says after a while. Oh… that is… sorry to say it but a big relief… I know I flipped yesterday, but I do not want anything bad to happen to them. I have been up all night thinking about what would happen to Jimin and Jungkook if people found out.  
Namjoon realize he must have been holing his breath for Jin’s reaction. Because suddenly the air is easier to breath.  
\- I think you and me are the ones who have been hurting them most, so far, Namjoon dares to say.  
And Jin does not flare up angry, no, he looks at Namjoon with sad eyes.  
\- Was my reaction that bad?, he asks.  
\- Shall I be completely honest? Namjoon says. It was terrible Jin. Truly terrible.  
Jin hides his face in his hands.  
\- Yea, I thought a lot about that also, he mumbles. Why I got so angry… I really could not control my own reaction. It all just really came so unexpected. Caught me totally off guard. But what was Bangs solution? Is there a solution to this mess of a situation?  
\- As I understand it he does not want to punish them, but protect them, Namjoon continues. And if they would like to stay together he will not interfere.  
Jin lets his hands fall down into the table, his eyes glossy and frightened.  
\- Why?, he says with a cracked up voice. Is he not afraid it will ruin everything he created?  
Namjoon wants to comfort Jin, but he is not sure how. He fights the need to get up and give him a hug. Because if he knows Jin right, that might just makes him even more uncomfortable.  
\- I think Bang actually cares too much about us, to think like that, Namjoon says. And also if we try to interfere… it might, as someone pointed out yesterday, actually really brake the band. Can you imagine being in a band where Jimin and Jungkook are not close, or tries to stay away from each other? The more I think about it the more unreasonable it becomes.  
\- I know, but it is also dangerous. What if someone exposes them?, Jin stutters.  
\- How many of all the gay K-pop stars have been exposed lately? Namjoon asks.  
Jin is quiet.  
\- That is right; none, Namjoon continues more and more sure about his own newly won arguments. You know Bang is gay, right?  
Jin is still quiet and then he nods.  
\- I… I kind of suspected that, but I was not totally sure. I never talked to him about stuff like that, he says breathing in.  
Namjoon feel a sting in his chest of regret.  
\- For some reason he has always been very open with me, he says. I guess he trusted me. Kind of ironic, huh? He have always trusted me in so many ways…  
\- That is because you are trustworthy, Jin says with a sudden stable voice. This situation Namjoon, it is not a test of how god of leader you are. It is like an unexpected tornado, no one could have expect. I for one is scared shit, mostly for their sake…. But I am also…. so fucking thankfully that you are our leader because. I know I do not say this often enough, but you are able to see things from so many differnet angles. You might when I think about it, actually be the smartest person I know. 

They finish the last of their juk in silence. And of couse Jin was right about Namjoon really needing food. This is going to be alright, he thinks suddenly strangely optimistic. But then Jin suddenly changes the tone again.  
\- Do you remember?, he asks nervously.  
And Namjoon does not know what he is supposed to remember.  
\- That one time, just before we debuted, Jin starts. I could not stop thinking about it afterwards. It was not that I was in love with you… Or at least… I do not think so, but it was something with the shameful, the forbidden, you know sex at that age. And also gayness, I know now that I am not gay. But at that age it was a big fear I had. And the lines can be quite blurry between admiration, friendship and infatuation, you know.  
Namjoon does not know what to say, he had almost forgotten that night seven years ago. Two horny boys, or were they men? Namjoon feels like he himself was a boy in need of comfort or release. A pair of hands, and they ended up being Jin’s. And afterwards; was it a little bit weird between them for a while? Yes, he thinks he remember that is was. Jin becoming more closed off.  
\- Are you saying, I made you question you sexuality?, he asks very taken back by the sudden confession.  
\- I don’t know. What I am saying is… all of this things going on between Jimin and Jungkook bought it up again. And I felt almost as if it was me who got caught. I mean I used to have this recurrent nightmare that someone filmed us, and leaked it online. For years I could not get that out of my head.  
Jin is staring down into the kitchen table full of emply pots while he speaks  
\- I do not know… what I am trying to say with this… I think my point was; I grow up learning how to keep things in check, feelings and sexuality, as an idol there are no time for being experimental. That one time was one time too much, and it always stayed with me as the most shameful and stupid thing ever. I did not want Jimin and Jungkook to ever be in that situation, you know.  
Namjoon feels a bit dizzy. How could he forget something that grew so important for Jin. The brain is a strange thing.  
\- What I think.. is that you are asking for forgiveness for acting like a foul, Namjoon says. But from the wrong person.  
Jin stares at him, looking more like that young man he was seven years ago, than a grown up world wide handsome star.  
\- I do not know, I am just so fucking confused by all of this. It blurs my lines between right and wrong. I am no as open minded as you, Jin stutters. You know I have a very Korean upbringing.  
\- Jin, Namjoon says. There is no way around it, we both acted very selfishly when it comes to Jimin and Jungkook and their feelings and needs. And that night seven years ago, was something we really needed then. And to be honest, I never ever felt ashamed of it, so neither should you. Telling Jimin and Jungkook to stop however, is something I will be ashamed of for a very long time. The people who are hurted most here is not you, who were afraid you would be gay, but the ones who are.

Jungkook bows deep infront of Bang. And Jimin’s heart skips a bit. The most beautiful human in this world loves him. It is alright to feel proud over Jungkook’s feelings for him?  
\- I am sorry for all of this, Jungkook says with a steady voice. No signs of nervousness. But we did not plan it, it just happened and now there is no turning back because it feels too good. You must understand that we have learned that we love each other. And therefore we will make it work.  
Jimin feels his tears well up again. Jungkook’s long hair falls down into his eyes, in a black t-shirt he stands tall infront of Bang’s big desk. It sounds so easy and natural when he speaks. What did Jimin do to deserve this?  
\- If you let us be together, I have an idea to make it less dangerous, Jungkook continues.  
Jimin looks at Bang. He nods, looking more proud than angry.  
\- Go on and tell me, Bang says.  
\- It does not really involve lying, Jungkook continues. But it will make a lot of fans sad and my brand value will drop to begin with. However, I think it is…  
Jimin’s heart drops. He knows what Jungkook is thinking.  
\- NO JUNGKOOK, he hear himself. No, that is really not fair at all… Why would you suggest that?  
Almost forgetting about Bang’s precense he moves closer to Jungkook at the speed of light. Standing very close he remembers, they are not alone. He looks nervously at Bang.  
\- Because the world is unfair and homophobic, Jungkook says with a soft voice close to him. And we cannot change that right now. Maybe later when we are older and have done our military service, if we are still in love, we can try to change that together. But not at this time in history. And after all of the things said and done between us in public.. Halsey’s tweets, fan service and unclear moments it is our best option. I already called Rose while waiting in the car.  
Jimin feels helpless and weak again. Why is so weak in situations like this?  
\- I don’t want you to suffer any losses because of me, he stutters.  
\- I know, Jungkook says. But this is not only because of you, it is for me. And Rose as well.  
Bang clears his throat.  
\- Sorry Jungkook, but I think you need to explain to me exactly what your plan is.  
Jimin shakes his head, and at that Jungkook takes his hand. Infront of BTS creater and boss Jungkook takes his hand and holds it tightly. And Jimin lets him. He lets his gaze linger on Jungkook. And then Jungkook starts explaining.  
\- The situation have turned out like this; both Rose and I have fallen in love with someone of the same gender. And we both want to protect that love. No one at YG knows about her girlfriend, so I trust you keep it a secret. But Rose herself is hundred procent sure she wants the old pictures of us to be released by Dispatch. I do not know how to make them do that, after giving them money not to. But here is what I think; if those pictures were to be released most of the gossip about me and Jimin would disappear. People are stupid and loves to categorize, so there would be no questions about my sexuality anymore. The photos does not a lie either. Me and Rose used to be together. I have been thinking about this for a very long time, and I want to do it. Both BigHit and YG can refuse to comment on the pictures, saying something in the line of ”it is their private life.” So no one really needs to lie. Or you can tell them we already broke up, if you think that is better?! YG is so down under right now I do not think they would have the enegy to care.  
Bang is silent, screeching his nack.  
\- How about your fans Jungkook?, he says. You have a lot of devoted fans.  
\- Some of the saesangs must already know about Rose, Jungkook says. I do not know for sure, but I assume there are much more pictures of us than the ones Dispatch have. When you been together for some time, and openly strolled the streets at night, there usally are. And if I know our fandom right, many of the other Korean fans must already know. And when it comes to the foreign fans, they are not as obsessed with the idea of us being single. Many of them actually like for us to have some freedom, because that makes us esier to identify with. And Rose... some fans really like her. So I do not think it is only a bad thing.  
\- You really have this figured out Jungkook, Bang mutters.  
\- I can take some weeks away from the public eye after the photos comes out, Jungkook continues with that confident tone. And then I can write a classic handwritten letter to my fans saying I am sorry and that I still love them. Which is also true. ..  
Bang laughs. But Jimin does not feel like laughing at all. He holds on tight to Jungkook's hand.  
\- You should become a strateg at BigHit, Bang laughs. You are unbelivible detailed. But you know, this is not only about you and Jimin. I know some of your bandmates are really frightened by this, so before I do anything I want you both to talk to them.


	23. Forever bulletproof

Jungkook’s dark hair is all over the pillow, his sleeping body crawled up into Jimin’s arms. Jimin presses himself closer, breathing in the dizzying smell. Varm and safe in the early morning. Jimin wants to protect him from everything dark and evil in this world. He wants to become a magic shield, to keep all the dangers away. But there seems to be nothing he can do to make this mad situation better, nothing but to hold on tight thru the nights and trust Jungkook crazy plan.  
There are no photos of Jimin with any of the women he used to date. No proof, other than his bad reputation as a heartless playboy among girl group members. Some fan made videos of Jungyeon reacting like an angry ex girlfriend when he shows up, but that is nothing to make headlines out of. He buries his face in Jungkook’s soft neck and hugs him even tighter. Breathing in and out trying to relax.  
Jungkook will be alright. He must be alright.  
Later today they will have a meeting with the rest of BTS to explain how they feel, and convince them about Jungkook’s plan. Jimin lets his lips touch his soft neck.  
And then Jungkook turns his warm body slowly around to face Jimin.  
\- You’r awake?, he mumbles with a dark voice and closed eyes. Why are you always awake before me nowadays?  
All of the details of his sleepy face makes Jimin’s heart ache. How is everything so endearing? His lips, eyes, hair, jaws, ears, eyebrows… Jimin lets his hand caress the form of his dark furry eyebrows.  
\- You know I love you so much my heart aces, he whispers.  
Jungkook opens one of his eyes glancing back at him suspiciously.  
\- What is this? You are not changing your mind again, are you?, he asks slowly.  
\- No never, Jimin answers with a trembling voice. I am just…overwhelmed by it all, wakening up this close again. I am overwhelmed by your everything.  
Jungkook opens his other eye.  
\- Are you sure? You sound kind of upset?  
Jimin tries to smile.  
\- It is only because I love you. I love you and there is… there is nothing I can do. I wish there was something I could do… I mean you are willing to risk so much. I think…  
Jungkook grabs Jimin’s hands holding them tight in his.  
\- Stop, he says shaking his newly wakened head. We already talked about this Jimin, I want to do this. I am very well aware people will get mad, gossip about me and hate me. I will loose fans. But I have already thought this thru, and it will make everything easier… eventually.

”It will be alright.” Namjoon tells himself time and time again in his head. ”We can do this.” ”No. We must do this. ”  
He looks at Bang Shi Hyuk's text again. No persuasive words or warnings as one would expect from a boss. No, Bang sent Namjoon three heavy loaded emojis instead; a rainbow, a fist and a peace sign. Namjoon had told him he wanted BTS to meet without him. Try to talk it out between the seven of them at first. And Bang had understood. That he still trusted Namjoon after everything blowed his mind. But he did. So, this time he had to do well. He also knew people would not really speak their mind out if Bang was there. And everyone really needed to speak their mind out this time, clear out the heavy air between them.  
Jungkook had sounded surprisingly calm when he called him earlier. Namjoon wanted to tell him he was sorry. He was so fucking sorry for it all. He wanted to cry and sob and make sure Jungkook understood how sorry he was. But he did not get a chance, because Jungkook did not dwell on the past, or Namjoon’s terrible decisions. No, his voice was stable and firm when he answered Namjoon. A bit like they were negotiating, and Namjoon’s change of mind was just another step to get him and Jimin to their goal.  
”We have decided to stay together.” Jungkook had said matter of factly. ”There is really no other option for us than to be together. So, we need to figure out how to handle that between us seven. And if we do not, we have to split into solos and subgroups. Can you set up a meeting? If people can behave, I also have an idea that I want to discuss with all of you.”  
How could the crying person from last time, sound so mature and business-like all of a sudden? Namjoon did not know, but he had agreed. ”Yea yea I set up a meeting.” He had mumbled with a lump in his throat.  
Namjoon looks at the empty living room in their dorm. ”It will be alright.” He thinks to himself again. The meeting is in two minutes, but no one is here yet. Where is everyone? He tries to calm down, but his heart is racing with anxiety. Then he hears the sound of the door. Someone is here, who can it be?  
Someone takes their shoes off in the hallway.  
Slow steps in the corridor. After more than seven years together, even the members ways of walking are familiar. Yoongi, or Hoseok? I must be Hoseok’s steps.  
Hoseok walks into the room dressed all in black, black jeans and a plain black t-shirt. No colors at all, Namjoon wonders if he ever saw him dressed like that before.  
\- Is this a funeral?, he tries to joke.  
But even more uncharacteristic, Hoseok does not even move his lips in an attempted to laugh. He just stares at Namjoon dead serious.  
\- Where are everybody?, he wonders with a pale face, and strangely rude tone.  
\- I do not know, answers Namjoon a bit taken back. On their way here I hope.  
Hoseok sits down in the sofa, quiet. But Namjoon needs to speak to distract himself from the nervous feeling in his stomach.  
\- How are you?, he tries cautiously.  
\- Rather not talk about it, Hoseok answers, still pale faced.  
Then it is painfully quiet. Namjoon stares restlessly at his phone. The clock is ticking five minutes past the time they decided to meet. No texts or phone calls yet.  
\- What are they doing?, he mumbles.  
And then he looks at Hoseok again. He knows Hoseok is terrible with conflicts. He is the type who rather pretend nothing happened than talk things out. No heart to heart conversations. Hoseok’s ways of handling conflicts is normally to bite it down. Maybe he'll make a bad joke about the conflict, later on, so they can clear the air and laugh about. But first afterwards. Namjoon tries to talk to him again.  
\- One way or another we will solve this, he says.  
Hoseok stares at him with empty eyes, and then there is the sound of the door opening again. Hoseok flinches.  
\- We are in the living room, Namjoon shouts, trying to sound as normal as possible.  
\- I’ll be there in a minute, sorry for being late, comes Yoongi’s voice.  
\- No worries, it is just me and Hoseok here, Namjoon answers.  
And at that Yoongi sticks his head into the living room. Also all dressed in black.  
\- What the fuck, he mutters. Where are the important ones?  
Namjoon shakes his head.  
\- I do not know where they are, he says.  
Yoongi sits down next to Hoseok in the softa. Looking from Namjoon to Hoseok to himself.  
\- Black, he states. Black it is, indeed.  
Namjoon looks at his own big pants and oversized t-shirt and realize he is also dressed in black.  
It is ten past the time they decided to meet up. Yoongi is drumming restlessly on the living room table, and Hoseok glares at him and bites his lips.  
Then the door opens again, three low but familiar voices, whispering while taking their shoes off. The usually loud Jimin, Jungkook and Taehyung.  
Taehyung comes into the door first, his eyes serches the room, and Namjoon feels his own breath hike in fear. Taehyung does not look as if he wants to solve this, he looks more as if begging for a round two of a fight. Then comes Jungkook looking more determent than angry.  
\- Hi, he says calm and collected.  
Last is Jimin. And Jimin. Jimin looks nervous, but also strangely happy. Happy? Yes, he glows in a way that surprises Namjoon. Jimin’s hands shivers, but he is glowing like a star in the dark. Namjoon looks at his confident body language. Is this the look of someone who gotten what he wanted, who after month of loneliness finally had sex with the one he loves? Namjoon have not had sex in a very long time. And he is not sure he wants to know about Jimin’s sex life, but he can imagine Jungkook, who never fails at anything, being far from a failure in bed. He shakes the tought away, he already seen too much of Jimin and Jungkook's sex life.  
\- Where is Jin?, Taehyung asks suspiciously.  
\- Hopefully here soon, Namjoon answers short and simple.  
Yoongi gives away a small sound, similiar to a laughter, looking at everyones clothes.  
\- This is bisarr, he mutters. We all choose the same depressive color.  
Namjoon looks at Jungkook’s black hoody, Jimin’s thin black sweater, Taehyung’s oversized black shirt and tries to smile. But the smile feels odd. It does not fit his face or the mood.  
\- That means we are going to solve this. Great minds thinks alike, he says.  
Taehyung snorts.  
\- Or is it because it is our funeral?, he mumbles more to himself than to the others.  
After that it is quiet again. Namjoon stares at his phone, but he does not know what he is looking for. It feels a bit like the room was made of glass, and speaking would potentially crack it. How will they be able to speak to each other in a constructive way?  
They hear the door open for the last time, twenty minutes late. Jin is never late. But it must be Jin. In the silence they hear him take his shoes off in the hallway. No one says a thing.  
Jin walks in with his head low and red ears. All dressed in black. What else would he wear?  
\- Oh good thing you are also dressed in black, Namjoon comments. Then we are all matched, and set to go.  
He is not sure if he mean it as a joke, but no one laughs. The only thing moving is one of Jimin’s hands touching Jungkook’s leg. Habitual, Namjoon thinks. But the friendly gesture all of a sudden turned from brotherly to something else. Or, was it always something else between them? Namjoon has not dared to ask how long this has been going on. Maybe he should, or is that too privat? To overstep their boundaries again?  
\- I’m sorry I'm late, Jin says without looking up, the red spreading from his ears all over his handsome face. I just have to say something right away. I did not know how to.… Where do I start? Um... Jimin and Jungkook. Last time… my reaction… I was way out of line. It all took me by surprise, far away from my comfort zone, and I reacted terrible. I am so sorry. This time I will be silent and hear what you have to say.  
Taehyung snorts again.  
\- You are not forgiven, he spits.  
And Namjoon feels like slapping Taehyung’s face, but he does not. Did he have to start it all over again with that angry tone? Did he know what it took for Jin to ask for forgiveness infront of them all? Did he know what it took for Jin to even come here? To step out of his own fears? Suddenly the memory of Jin's face seven years ago, comes vivid and clear to Namjoon. How could he forget how beautiful his face was at that moment, how his eyelids shivered?  
\- Maybe that is not your thing to decide, Namjoon says in irritation.  
\- You are not the one to talk here Namjoon, Taehyung continues with the same angry tone. One cannot behave as a destructive asshole, and then ask for forgiveness. Some things cannot be forgiven that easily.  
Jin does not protest, he just stands with his head hanging. Namjoon wants to help him, comfort his embarrassed scared face, but he does not not know how.  
\- Both me and Seokjin behaved terrible, he tries. But nothing good will come out of screaming at each other again.  
\- That is weak, Taehyung screams. Are you trying to behave all grown up now, when it suddenly fits you? And we are suppose to listen.  
Namjoon takes a deep breath. Sometimes he really hates Taehyung’s temperament. This is not about you, he wants to scream but he does not because Hoseok clears his throat.  
\- I do not want to dig up past sins, he says with trembling, clearly uncomfortable, voice. You all know I really hate that. But I think I have to. Taehyung, do you remember how you reacted when I came out to you? I never put you on the spot for it, because that is not who I am. But I think you have to understand, everything is not as black and white as you might think.  
\- I was so young, Taehyung tries, his voice suddenly small.  
\- So was I, Hoseok says. And… and I had been scared and ashamed of myself for years before I dared to tell you all. And everyone else understood that, but your reaction. It was as if it was all about you. Like I had to take care of your fears, explain that I was not attracted to you. That it would not change a thing. I have been carrying your reaction with me for years as a great sadness. And now you are trying to make this into your fight. As if this was about you, and your emotions. Can we please just listen to Jimin and Jungkook and how they want to handle this?  
Taehyung’s big brown eyes looks confused.  
\- You… , he starts. You did not see Jungkook after Jimin left. This is not about me.  
\- I did not, but this is still about you. It is about your emotions seeing Jungkook sad, Hoseok says with a dark voice. Let us all shut up and listen to Jimin and Jungkook instead. I mean, none of us really did listen. I certainly did not. All I did was to project my own feelings and emotions on Jimin.  
He looks at Jimin and Jungkook with a sad eyes.  
\- Jimin and Jungkook I am so sorry. I was looking for a solution that might have worked for me, but I did not see you. Or; your relationship to each other.  
Namjoon is prepared for another round of arguments from Taehyung, but he is all silence, a sad puppy look on his face.  
\- Yes, Namjoon says. I think Hoseok really has a valid point. I realized it too late, and I am so indescribable sorry. But this is really not about us.

Jimin looks at his friends, all dressed in black, like a funeral. They are waiting for him to speak. Where does he start? ”I think we need to be brutally honest, to make them understand, and gain back their trust,” Jungkook had said earlier. And Jimin had agreed, but the words have a hard time finding their way out of him.  
\- I think, Jimin starts with a shaky voice. I think we should have told you what was going on earlier. But we thought the secret was too heavy. It was not only a matter of fear for your reactions… that you would not let us be together, it was also for your own sake. Knowing would put you in a very strange and dangerous position.  
Jungkook’s body feels warm and safe next to Jimin, but he does not dare to turn around and look at him, because if he did he might turn too emotional and start to cry before they even got the chance to explain.  
\- We understand that you have lost your trust in us. We have been lying and keeping important information away from you, Jimin continues.  
\- You two have been sneaking around behind our back, Yoongi fills in. I do not agree with Namjoon's way of handling it. But the sneaking around is also very problematic. How long has it been going on? I actually think we have the right to know.  
Jungkook’s hand moves up behind Jimin’s back, where no one sees it, in under his sweater. His fingertips caresses the sensitive skin on Jimin’s lower back, he hopes no one sees how he shivers. Jungkook clears his throat.  
\- I think it started way back, he says with a steady tone. But it was not until recently we understood and acted on our feelings. I do not know how many details you want to know… For my part; Rose. She actually broke up with me because of Jimin. She thought I had feelings for him, and at that time I was not fully aware myself. But after the brake up things between us started to evolve… and around the London-concerts we understood. And after we understood there seems to be no turning back. All if these emotions… I do not know how to describe them, and how strong they where. We were not just fooling around, from the beginning it was way beyond that.  
Jimin’s heart bangs in his chest. This is it, he thinks. I need to be brave. Honest although it is scary. I need to give the others a chance to really understand.  
\- I, he says and his voice is not shaky anymore. I have never felt anything, even close to it. It made me very scared, because I did not want to be gay, I was scared shit to realize how gay I was. Because I am. I know I might be perceived as a playboy in the past, but the embarrassing truth is I never really enjoyed sex with women. And this was so different. I also did not want to go behind your back, you know I am a terrible lier. And I also... I never wanted to decive you, because I love you all. There was so many obstacles, and things that told me not to, but the worst thing was I also had a feeling I was dragging Jungkook into it. Destroying his career and life. Still, the feelings and attraction was so strong I could not stay away. It was… No it is like a maddening magnet. I know it might be super strange for you to hear about this. But you need to know, before you scream at each other again or make decisions. Staying away from Jungkook was the worst thing I ever did. And I will never do that again. Whatever it takes, we will keep together.  
Jimin takes a deep breath, the others are looking at him. Their faces are hard to read, but no one is protesting. He turns around to look at Jungkook, his eyes are filled with tears as he stares at Jimin. And then he smiles that childlike happy smile and Jimin feels his own eyes well up.  
\- However bizarre or dangerous it might feel for you all, we are in love, Jimin says looking right into Jungkook’s sparkling eyes. And we need to find a way to handle that within the group.

Namjoon stare at Jimin and Jungkook, they are sitting close together in the sofa looking into each others eyes and crying. Like a romantic movie scene, their eyes are sparkling. Or maybe more so; a scene from a fanfic. The others do not seem to know where to look, or what to say. Namjoon feels a bit overwhelmed by their emotions and closeness himself. But he does not cry. He clears his throat knowing it is his thing as a leader to make this work.  
\- I think, he says. That we should let everyone say what they feel, and ask each other questions if they want to. Because the key to solve this really is honesty, I think. Both in our fears and our other feelings. Do you want to start Jin?  
Jin sits on the floor, looking embarrassed but he nods.  
\- I am just… sorry, he says. And listening to you I feel even more sorry. I should have listen before I got angry. I really should. I had very private reasons to react like that. And it had nothing to do with you two actually. Or...  
\- What reason?, comes Taehyungs voice. If Jimin and Jungkook has to tell it all to make you understand, so does you?  
Namjoon feels the panic arise. This was not something he expected to be brought up into this conversation. He stares into the ground and prays to whatever there is up there, that Jin won’t tell the others about that night.  
\- I… says Jin. Had a very conservative upbringing, and… And no honestly that is not the whole reason. Fuck… honestly… is very hard.  
Namjoon feels his own head turn read. He cannot hinder it. But everyone is looking at Jin, so he thinks no one notice.  
\- I once had sex with a man, a colleague I should not, Jin says.  
And Namjoon does not see the look on his face, because he keeps staring into the floor. He wants to sink thru the floor. A little sexy happening he almost forgot about is all of a sudden turning into a big thing. Or he needs to remind himslef; it was always a big thing for Jin. Why can sex never be simple?  
\- I was very young and felt very ashamed afterwards, it haunted me longer than it should have, Jin continues. And I guess this bought memories back to life.  
Namjoon thinks his own head must have the color of a tomato. He stares down into the floor and wish it to go away. Why is he so bad at acting? No one needs to know it is him. Why should anyone even think it was him?  
\- And I know that is not an excuse to behave like an idiot, Jin continues. But it is an explanation to why.  
And Namjoon dares to look up. Jin is looking anywhere but at Namjoon. But Jimin, Jimin is starting right at Namjoon read face with a question in his eyes. And then he, oh no, no no, no… he whispers something to Jungkook. And Jungkook is also looking at him. Namjoon slowly shakes his head at them. ”Please do not ask. Please do not ask. Please do not ask.” And they do not. Jimin looks right back at Jin instead.  
\- So, you? What is this, are we all gay?, he says.  
Jin smiles a bit.  
\- I do not think I am, he says. I do like woman very much. But sexuality and lines between infatuation and friendship can be quite blurry sometimes. And for a while I thought it was only me who was confused, and that scared me. Also in realation to my family, friends and fans. So I guess as many others here, I projected my own feelings to yours. But hearing you talk I understand your experience as very different from mine. So I'm once again sorry. And I do not believe it is our thing to force you to separate anymore.  
\- I agree, says Hoseok. And I have no further question I think. Or maybe a comment; now when hearing it like this. I really think you are a great pairing. I do not understand why I did not see it earlier. Or, maybe I was blinded by the thought of Jungkook as heterosexual. Like I could not see behind that idea. I am so fuckig sorry for that.  
Jungkook smiles a little.  
\- I am not heterosexual, I am queer, he says. It is a big difference. I do not see the reason to choose by gender. I'm attracted by people. And that did not start or end with Jimin. It is who I am. And if you judge me by relationship history; Rose is also queer, she is in love with a woman now.  
Namjoon gasps a bit at the information about Rose. But tries to swith focus.  
\- I think you two are perfect togheter, says Taehyung. But how about you Namjoon? What do you think?  
Namjoon feels their eyes on him.  
\- I think we have no other option, he says, still feeling a bit shaky. Jimin and Jungkook has found love, and we need to find a way to handle it.  
Jin's eyes looks at him almost shyly, read ears. He really is a beautiful man, Namjoon thinks to himself. And Rose, who is she seeing? Embarrassing hot pictures of her with a faceless woman flashes by. I need to google the word queer, he thinks to himself. And I really need to find someone non problematic to have sex with...  
\- Then, says Yoongi interupting Namjoon's thoughts, looking at Jungkook and Jimin. How do you want to do this?


	24. You can call me artist (artist) You can call me idol (idol)

Namjoon examines Jungkook’s face as he finish speaking. Is he stupid or brave? Namjoon does not know. Could it be that all brave acts involves a certain part stupidity as well?  
\- Jungkook, he says. Are you really sure Bang believes this to be a good idea? There is a chance it might pass by as some scandals do, yes. But there is also a chance it will blow out of proportions and ends in a catastrophe. Looking at similar situations, you will become a target for public opinions, hate and threats. Some fans might not want you in BTS anymore.  
Jungkook nods slowly.  
\- I am not stupid. I know. And Bang also knows it is a risky plan, that is why he wants us all to decide if we want to go ahead and do it. His calculation is that it will be hard for me, and for us all, to begin with. My brand value sure will drop. But it will not hinder us in the long run. In some parts of the society he thinks it will make the picture of us more credible, and he believes that it might be beneficial for me in the long run to have a less idol-like image. In the US and Europe he thinks it will be mostly positive, making us less freaky and alien-like when it comes to questions about relationships. He also thinks the photos might raise questions about integrity and artists right to privacy. And he is pondering about pushing that as a question in BigHits statement about the photos. If we go ahead and do it…  
\- Always so political, Jin mutters. To me it sounds almost as if you are becoming sacrificed for a higher cause here… Or… I don’t know, but it really sounds like playing with fire… Even if no one will question your relationship with Jimin, other unexpected things might happen.  
\- Yes, I know it is like playing with fire, Jungkook agrees. But I think it will be worth it.  
Namjoon shakes his head. BlackPink’s Playing with fire playing in his head. The Jungkook he used to know would never agree to play with his fans feelings this way. No, he would have done anything not to disappoint them. What is love doing to him? And Rose, who is Rose willing to do this for? Who is she protecting to agree to shudder her public image like that? He shakes his head again.  
\- But Bang really got our back here, Jungkook continues. He cares for Jimin and I, and our relationship. If he would make this into a greater cause he could ask us to come out as a couple. As BTS creator, and someone fighting for gay rights in the hidden, he could if he really wanted to. It would actually make more sense than you think. But he is not, not at all. Because he really wants what is best for us.  
Jimin nods next to Jungkook.  
\- I was really against this at first, he mumbles. And I still…  
He looks at Jungkook tenderly and lets the words die away, before he continues.  
\- But one thing is sure. Bang is not taking advantage of us. He wants to help us the best way he can. And I am sure he will also help us figure out what to do if it blows up into a catastrophe.  
Namjoon tries to grasp it all. The plan sounds suicidal at first, but maybe the idea is not as crazy as one first might think. If one is gay and wants to continue to make out with a bandmate in a homophobic world this might actually feel like a logic choice. It is not a lie, the photos are real, Jungkook and Rose relationship was real. The plan is just to direct the public eye on that relationship instead of the one with Jimin.  
\- Are you really sure Rose are okey with this? The photos are also kind of juicy… not ideal for a woman in this society, Namjoon asks.  
\- Yes it might sound strange, but for many different reasons she really wants them to go public too, Jungkook answers with a steady voice.  
\- Her girlfriend must really be one to die for, Jin jokes.  
And Jungkook actually laughs at the joke. He laughs as if the joke was really funny.  
\- Yes, she must be, he laughs with a secretive look on his face.  
In this situation Jungkook laughs at Jin’s bad joke. Jin who screamed at Jungkook just some days ago when he found out about his relationship with Jimin.  
\- Who is she?, Namjoon hears himself ask.  
\- I do not know, Jungkook laughs looking very much like he is lying.  
\- Ah, you do know, Jin snaps.  
And it is such a relief to hear Jin’s snappy charm again.  
\- Maybe. But I will never tell you, Jungkook laughs. You all knowing she has a girlfriend is already stretching the line of what you should know.  
Namjoon looks around at the others faces in the living room, their black clothes. Jin’s satisfying pouty look, like he is about to make another joke. Jungkook’s suddenly giggly appearance. Jimin’s hesitant but shiny eyes. Taehyung’s dark hair, hanging down into his eyes. Hoseok’s thin body crawled up into a ball on the sofa, listening attentive. And Yoongi’s small frown, like he is almost laughing as well.  
\- You know I love you all, Namjoon says as out of nowhere.  
And the others stare at him.  
\- Where did that come from all of a sudden?, Taehyung asks with an unstable voice.  
\- I… just looked at you all. And I felt this swelling in my chest. This great relief. I am so fucking proud we can have this type of conversations. Altought we all are lacking, specifically me, we are are so strong together, Namjoon smiles.  
Yes he smiles.  
\- Terribly cheesy, Yoongi says but he smiles back with his brightest gummy smile.  
\- I think you are right though Joon, he continues. We will get thru this. So, back to the question of how. Jungkook, no matter of the public reactions, are you really sure you can disappoint your fans like that? If I know you right, your fans are the most important thing in your life.  
Namjoon nods with his whole body. Yes, that is maybe the most important question here.  
\- It already happened, Jungkook says suddenly serious again, slowly looking for the wording. Even if only a few of them know it, it already took place. I had a relationship with Rose. Many Korean fans must already know. And I am in love with Jimin. In my head I already disappointed them. I mean I have my own desires and I think… I think I finally understood that it is okey. I mean, I am a human too, and even if it might be hurtful for them to know. Or even if they get really disappointed in my desire at first. I think it is mostly healthy for them to know that I do have other desires than being the perfect idol… And by that I do not mean I want to share it all. I love some distance and privacy. But just a hint of me, I think… it might do them good. And also for me, and my relationship with them.

Namjoon is surprised how easy they all agree this time. They decide to have a meeting with Bang, to discuss it more in depth before they settle with Jungkook's plan. But no one seems to strongly disagree with it. Then Yoongi comes to the simple conclusion that they need to have some drinks in the dorm to celebrate and relax.  
Some hours later after drinking and singing karaoke in the living room, laughing and talking, a drunken Jimin catches Namjoon alone in the kitchen. His cheeks a little red when he puts his hand teasingly on Namjoon’s shoulder.  
\- So, he says with a coy voice. You and Jin, what is up with that?  
Namjoon looks at his glass of red wine, and empties it.  
\- Do not tell a living soul, he mutters.  
How can something that he almost forgotten, become so embarrassing, and vivid all of a sudden. It might be his imagination, but he also feels like Jin has been avoiding him the whole night. Why is he avoiding Namjoon?  
\- I am going to tell Jungkook, Jimin says playfully and plump. Because it is too good not to, considering all things that happens lately. Did you really have a weak spot for a certain World Wide Handsome?  
Namjoon fills his glass up with more wine. And looks at Jimin, drunk and happy, pouty read lips. And Namjoon knows he deserves all the teasing in the world. Or, he deserves even worse actually. He drowns another glass and then he surprises himself by sobbing.  
Namjoon stands in the kitchen, drunk crying. And Jimin stares at him all taken back.  
\- What, I am sorry… Are you two, are you also in love?, he asks cluelessly of what is going on in Namjoon’s head.  
\- No, no, no, cries Namjoon. I am just so sorry about what I did to you and Jungkook. And I do not know how I will ever make it up to you. Jin and me, that was one a night thing many years ago, it was like it with sex, sometimes it just happens. And to be honest it has not bothered me at all, until Jin brought it up some days ago.  
Jimin grabs the wine bottle on the kitchen table and drinks straight out it.  
\- Sorry, he slurs. I needed some more wine.  
\- Just go ahead, Namjoon sobs. You deserve all the wine in the world. And love, you deserve all of the love in the world. I am so fucking sorry I did not understand what you deserve.  
Jimin stares at Namjoon’s tears.  
\- I know you did it for us, he mumbles still with the wine bottle in his hand. Just like me when I left Jungkook. I thought it was the best choice. Neither you or I are evil, we just understood everything very wrong.  
And at that moment Jin strolls into the kitchen, unknowingly humming, happily holding a glass of soju in his hand. He stops singing at the look of Namjoon.  
\- Are you crying Joon?, he asks as if that is not obvious.  
\- Yes, sorry to destroy the mood. Just a little ruminating over past sins, Namjoon sobs. I will never hinder lovers from seeing each other, ever again. It is the worst decision I ever made.  
\- Do you want some soju?, Jin asks looking directly at Namjoon. He really must have imagined him avoiding his gaze.  
Namjoon shakes his head.  
\- No, thank you I am already drunk enough. And as far as I know we are going to start the dance training again tomorrow evening. Now when we all can be in the same room without screaming at each other.

Jungkook stares at the series of photographs on his screen, the pictures looks like him, yes, he knows it is him. But the emotions the man must have had in those moments captured feels like a strangers. Dressed in a black hoody, pants and cap he is walking by night, next to Han River, by his side is a woman who he knows as one of his best friends, Rose. She is also wearing a black hoody, oversized blue jeans and expensive sneakers. Her hair is bleached blond sticking out from under her hoody.  
In the first picture her doll like face is smiling wide and bright at the man who’s face is still hidden. Her hand reaching out for his.  
The second picture shows them closely linked together, clinging to each others bodies, both faces hidden from the camera as they stare at the night river.  
Jungkook tries to remember. What did they talk about that night? How did he feel? He remembers something vaguely about attraction. Light hearted desires. He does not remember feeling watched, or suspecting any photos to be taken. No, the two carless people in the pictures must have had a feeling it was only them under the street lamps.  
In the third picture he can see his own bare face. No makeup on, he looks young, somewhat naive. Her hoody has fallen down showing her blond hair, eyes glittering happy in the late night.  
Then there are a series of darker, more blurry pictures. The man and the woman close together in the grass, away from the street lamps. The camera must be desperately zooming in, but despite of the bad quality there are no question it is the same man and woman as in the earlier pictures.  
His hands are in her hair as they kiss. Her hands are holding his face fondly and then his shoulders, and his ass. Then there are some even darker pictures. Shadows tangled up in the grass, she is sitting on top of him as they kiss again and again and again.  
Jungkook stares at them. This was his own decision, and there is nothing he can do to take it back. What is done is done. His hands shivers. He knew they were not typical Dispatch pictures. No. They are way too sexy and advance for Korean celebrities. But seeing them all over Internet he thinks they look even more scandalous than he remembered them.  
”It feels so strange to see us like that again.” Rose texts. ”I feel like looking at an epic couple in a k-drama. Not you and I.” Jungkook’s hands are still shaking as he answers. ”Yes, it is a good thing we look good. But I also feel a bit anxious; I think I must have repressed that fact that they are so sexual. Hope you will be alright!? I really do not want you to get too much hate.”  
He looks at them again. Rose looks very beautiful indeed, her long hair falling down, but also… Was this really a good decision? Was there really no other way? He knows she wanted this… but still. In the pictures Rose is taking the lead. She looks like she really wants Jungkook. And he knows how that can make stupid people and jealous fans react; mad and unreasonable. Dangerous even.  
His phone rings.  
\- Stop your bad thoughts right away Kookie, Rose says with a high pitch voice. No matter how this ends; no bad feelings for me. For a lot of different, kind of egocentric reasons, I wanted this very much… and I know fans and the general audience will hate me. I am prepared. Or as prepared as you can be for public hate.  
\- I know you said so… before, and… but looking at them like this, Jungkook stutters. They really look… way too advanced for the Korean press. And because we live in an unfair world I might get away with it better than you…  
\- I do not know about that, your fans… but also anti-fans is quite passionate, Rose comments.  
And deep down Jungkook knows that she is right. He is also prepared for hate.  
\- But no matter who will get more hate, she continues. No matter what people say. I know that no one will question my sexuality or my relationship to Ji-eun. I also get the honor to be connected to the hottest sexsymbols of our time for rest of my life. One who once dumped me for someone else …  
Jungkook closes his eyes, as he often does when things feels a little too much.  
\- Is this like your twisted version of revenge?, he asks teasingly into the phone to try to lighten the mood. Getting it together with my idol, and then destroying my public image. Will you do a kiss and tell later on, as well?  
Rose laughs high and bright.  
\- Who knows?, she answers. The little detail of you dumping me will however never reach the wide audience. They will think you were, or are, crazy for me. And that will make my star quality rise in the long run. Specially abroad; I am hundred procent sure. And if it gets really bad here in Korea, if the stupid ones call me a whore and hates me hard enough, I might even be able to leave YG a bit earlier than my contract ends without paying a penny, Rose says laughing in triumph.  
And at that Jungkook also laughs.  
\- You are crazy… I thought you were only talking when you said you wanted to leave YG. You know the normal complaining…  
\- It has actually gotten worse lately, Rose says sounding more tired than triumphing. YG are also about to debut a new girl group, so they might not need me and my complaining and artistic ambitions any more. All four of us are actually getting more and more fed up. You know they are still repeating that ugly trick of promising a comeback to make us work our asses off, and then telling us it is not good enough. It seems like a never ending loop. And then of course turning down all others offers about collaborations and solo projects coming our way to make us focus on the comeback that we then never get. I am tiered of it all. Tiered to the bones to be honest.

Jimin is resting in Jungkook’s sofa, laying down looking up into the white sealing. The world is spinning. It has only been two hours since the photos of Jungkook and Rose was released. But the world is already spinning. He tries to hold on to something, a feeling of security and calm. There is a plan for this, there was a plan for this.  
He has been staying in Jungkook’s apartment for over a month. Moving more and more stuff over, until the place started to feel like their joined fortess. As he looks up he tries to hold on to their joined fortress.  
\- How do you feel?, Jungkook asks and Jimin sits up looking at him.  
He is standing by the window dressed in grey sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, his hair newly cut. The shorter hair style makes him look less rebellious, and more like a classic idol again. Clean cut and ready to face the public. "I need to cut it before the scandal emerge," he had reasoned.  
\- I do not know, Jimin answers. Like I want to fuck you?  
Jungkook tries to smile, but the smile does not reach his eyes.  
\- How do you feel Jungkook?, Jimin asks.  
Jungkook moves closer to the sofa.  
\- I do not know. Scared? More afraid that I thought I would.  
Jimin reaches his hand out to take Jungkook’s hand in his, the hand is shaking.  
\- You are shaking, Jimin whispers.  
\- Yes, I do not know why. Or I… seeing the photos online frightens me more than I thought it would. I also read some of the reactions on naver… and twitter. I know I promised you not to, but I could not help it…  
Jimin signs, he also read some things on naver he wish he had not. Things that made him want to scream and sue all of those people. Some of them is his own fans. In a long conversation they went on about how egocentric Jungkook always been. And how they had seen this coming for years, how they now hated him for putting Jimin and BTS in this situation. If they only knew. Jimin signs again.  
\- Come, he says. Come here.  
Jungkook moves into Jimin’s arms, standing. And Jimin lets his arms slip around his waits. Jungkook’s body is always so warm.  
\- Do you want to talk about what you read?, Jimin mumbles with his arms around Jungkook, head resting against his stomach.  
\- I do not know if I want you to know about it, Jungkook answers.  
\- I already read some things too, Jimin admits. And it made me more angry than sad, which I think is good.  
Jungkook sits down next to Jimin in the sofa.  
\- I think, Jungkook starts closing his eyes as if looking at Jimin would be too much. It is not so much the hate, as the part of making people disappointed and sad.  
Jimin hums in understanding. He thinks he would feel the exact the same way.  
\- It feels a bit like rejecting someone, Jungkook continues. But on a larger scale, you know someone has opened their heart to you, and then you tell them you are in love with someone else. Even though I am not in love with Rose, at all. It is strange. In an intellectual way I can understand that it might be healthy. A bit like telling someone who has unrequited feelings for you to move on, instead of making them dwell in it and hope for more. But it is also, I do not know, the parable does not fully ad up. Because in many ways their feelings are not unrequited. I really love my fans. So, I also have a feeling like they are misinterpreting what it all means. And it is much harder than I expected.  
Jimin nods.  
\- Maybe you need to figure out a way to tell them that you love them, he thinks out loud. A way that is not the classic handwritten letter idols usually write after dating scandals. But something more personal and true. Something that can really reach them.  
\- Jungkook lays down in the sofa, his head resting in Jimin’s lap. And Jimin lets his hand caress his hair. As he stroke his head he realize the haircut is the the same as just before they started sleeping together.  
\- I know you told me this would happened, Jungkook says. That I would feel like this. Knowing something on an intellectual level is not the same thing as being able to hinder your feelings.  
Jimin continues to caresses his dark hair, and Jungkook looks up at him with something like regret in his eyes.  
\- What is done is done, Jimin states. And you were also prepared for it to be though. I never heard you say it would be easy.  
\- No, that is true. But I feel like… A stupid hard headed idiot. Making destructive decisions although you warned and begged me not too. Being so certain and then, here I am suddenly all all shaky and scared in your arms. It seems pathetic, Jungkook mutters.  
\- It has only been two hours Jungkook, Jimin points out. We do not know the end result yet. And to be honest, if there were similar pictures of me I would have done the exact same thing. Without a doubt.  
Jungkook sits up in the sofa looking at Jimin with wide eyes.  
\- But then… why did you try to stop me?  
\- Because I love you, Jimin says. And it is much easier to make sacrifices for love, than to see the one you love make sacrifices for you. I did not want you to suffer for me. The situation made me feel helpless and weak, like there was nothing I could do.  
Jungkook examines Jimin’s eyes as he speaks, and then he smiles another tired smile.  
\- That is not true, at all. To me you are the rock Jimin, he says. The rock, or the fortress, and without you here I would not be able to do this.  
Jimin feels a rush down his spine. Is that how Jungkook sees him? Can he be a rock in this frightful world.  
\- And by calling you a rock, Jungkook continues. I do not mean that you are stiff or non emotional. Or that I wish for you to be stern and steady. I could never depend on a such a rock. I love that you are human, that we both human.  
Jimin lets his head rest on Jungkook’s broad shoulder. One hand moving up his thick beautiful tights. A familiar fire burning from deep within.  
\- Thank you, he mumbles. I really needed to hear that. Do you want me to fuck you now?  
Jungkook glides down into the sofa and Jimin follows so that they are both laying down. Heads close together.  
\- You are so crazy for me, Jungkook laughs with a sudden horse voice. And I never thought I say this again, but no, not right now. I think it would be lovely if you just hold me for a bit and convinced me that I did the right thing despite of it all.


	25. The brake is broken

Another long internal meeting at BigHit is over, Namjoon puts on his training cloths to go to the dance studio. The others must already have started without him. How many strategic meetings can they have without making any decisions? Namjoon does not know.  
Some days ago when the pictures of Jungkook and Rose went public BigHit made a simple statement, focusing on their artists right to privacy, and how BigHit intended to report all hate comments and false rumors. The statement did not apologies, or comment futher on Jungkook and Rose relationship status.  
YG have not commented on the photos at all, yet, and it feels a bit worrisome. Namjoon understands Bang and the others hesitation to take further action. It is hard to know what YG is thinking, and where the public opinions are heading.  
The first reactions was as expected. Abroad media made headlines about the new South Korean it-couple, describing them as ”too good to be true”, ”a k-drama fairytale come true”, ”the hottest pictures you ever seen.” While at home a discussion of idols right to privacy started, parallel with angry scandalized articles with headlines like: ”Top idols show their true colors in shocking photos.” ”Scandalous pictures of BTS Jungkook and BlackPinks Rose, making out in public.” ”A shame for Korea and the Korean wave.”  
As always ARMY picked sides, both in Korea and abroad, starting bigger and smaller fan wars. Some of them of course attacking Rose, others Jungkook, and even more so Dispatch and YG. How they came to the conclusion that YG is at fault, Namjoon does not know. But everything seems to be YG's fault right now, so why not this as well? Many are of course also defending Jungkook and Rose, thinking it is natural, or even fantastic that they are making out.  
Namjoon takes a deep breath before he checks the trending hashtags on twitter. #jungkooksrighttolove has been trending for days and is happily still number three worldwide, #rosekook is number seven and #BTSOT7 number sixteen. He takes a breath of relief. But then he sees it; on number twenty eight there is the new hashtag #habinrose.  
\- Fuck it, Namjoon swears out loud.  
He did not know what he expected, news always spread fast over Internet and between Korean and foreign fans. But it is not even two hours ago a new ad on to the situation appeared online. One that no strategic at any company could have seen coming.  
Former fans, or maybe more so stalkers, have in what Namjoon believes anger leaked more pictures of Rose. And this time it is not with Jungkook, but another man. The photos are three years old, and they are at first sight not nearly as scandalous as the ones with Jungkook. Rose is walking the streets of Seoul at night, alone with the former iKON member Hanbin. They are not holding hands or making out, just walking. In his hand there is also something that looks very much like a cigarette.  
Namjoon really likes Hanbin, or B.I as he is also called, in his opinion Hanbin is one of the most talented song writers there is on the K-pop scene. And the few times he met him, he made a really likable and smart impression. To Namjoon Hanbin felt like someone who would continue to do great in the future.  
He therefore believes YG made a terrible mistake some month ago when they sacrificed him in the middle of a mess of scandals. He understood that there was a lot going on at YG, and that they might have acted out of panic. But kicking one of their best artists out, because he once wanted to try drugs when he was young and sad, really felt like fouls play. Specially considering all the other terrible things that seems to be going on at YG. None of them Hanbin’s fault. There were not even any proof Hanbin did use drugs, just some childish texts.  
But whatever Namjoon thinks, Hanbin is on the bad side of the public opinion and the entrainment industry. And Namjoon understands that however absurd it might seem Rose new connection with a cigarette in his hand is bad news, not only for her reputation but also for Jungkook’s.  
When he enters the training room, the smells of sweat and hard work hits him like a wall. The others are counting out loud while trying to get a hold of a choreography, so focused they do not seem to notice him. He wonders if they know about the photos.  
\- Listen up guys, he interrupts.  
And all of them look up at the same time, as if it was part of the choreography. Six surprised sweaty faces staring at him.  
\- We did not agree on anything new today either, he starts. But something else happened…have you been online the last hour?  
The others shake their heads, still looking a bit like they are performing. Bizarrely in sync.  
\- It has to with Rose, Namjoon says. And it is unfortunately bad news.  
\- What happened?, comes Jimin’s worried voice.  
\- There are more pictures of her, Namjoon continues. But not with Jungkook this time. Someone leaked some even older pictures of her walking alone on a streets with Hanbin.  
Jungkook looks taken back.  
\- What did you say?, he wonders. What?! Do you have the pictures? Can I see them?  
Namjoon holds his phone up infront of Jungkook, and he looks at them and shakes his head in disbelief.  
\- This is sick, he mutters angry. Sick. What the fuck is wrong with people?  
\- Do you know if they used to date? Jimin wonders stealing the phone from Namjoon to look closer at the photos. Apart from the cigarette it looks kind of innocent.  
\- He was her first boyfriend, Jungkook answers with panic in his voice. Sorry everyone but I really need to call her and see how she is doing…  
Jungkook disappears out of the training room with a worried look on his face. And Namjoon looks at the pictures again: It is spring time, cheery blossom on the streets of Seoul. The two young idols look like they came out after training. She is wearing grey sweatpants and big rag sack on her back. He is dressed in a read training overall and a black cap. And they are walking next to each other, talking. Nothing more than talking, but the air around them gives a way a stereotypic feeling of young love. Namjoon shakes his head. Does YG know about this, is that why they waited to make a statement? He guess they both must have had a dating ban at that time, YG is famous for putting things like that in their contracts for newly debuted idols.

Jungkook sits on the floor in the corridor outside of the studio, his back against the wall. Rose picks up her phone right away.  
\- Kookie, she answers as if she expected him to call.  
Jungkook breaths in. What shall he tell her? He wants to tell her everything will be alright, but he is not quite sure it will.  
\- Are you alright?, he asks.  
\- I do not now, she answers with an uncharacteristic small voice.  
\- Is there anything I can do to help you?  
\- I do not think so, she mumbles.  
And then it is quiet. Jungkook can hear her breathing. It sounds a bit like she is crying, but he is not sure. He bangs the back of his head softly against the wall. What can he do?  
\- I did not know those pictured existed, she interrupts the silence. But my wish to leave this fucking company might actually become reality faster than I expected.  
\- You think so?, Jungkook asks although he knows she is probably right considering how easy Hanbin was kicked out just some month ago.  
\- You know, she says with a voice that sounds more angry than sad. It is truly absurd. I was nineteen the first time I had sex. Nineteen. Among my friends in New Zeeland that is considered very late. Taking to them I used to feel embarrassed, on the brink of lying to be honest. My first time was with Hanbin, he was half a year older than me, and I was the first one he had sex with as well. We went out for seven month, and apart from the sneaking around, it was very sweet. Hanbin is very sweet. Too sweat for me I think, in hindsight. How can someone so sweet bee seen as a criminal and a bad boy? It blows my mind. After that I went on to explore my sexuality, sleeping with a handful of beautiful girls, before I fell head over heels for you. And then I met Ji-eun. All in all I had sex with two men. TWO. And now both of them are in the press, and I am viewed as a temptress, a bad woman. I know I wanted our pictures leaked, and I do not really regret it… But still… I cannot get away from the feeling that it is unfair. The hate that I get, and the things that they call me online.  
\- It is unfair, Jungkook says. And even if you had sex with two hundred men and five hundred woman it would still be unfair. You have the right to be sad and mad about it, even if you wanted the pictures leaked. I am also sad and mad… and scared. I mean who would not be scared in our situation? The public eye is frightful.  
Rose signs.  
\- I know. And I also knew it beforehand, I am not naive, she laughs emotionless. Or maybe I am a bit naive when it comes to my own feelings. I thought I was so tough. Strong and independent. That I knew my own worth no matter what strangers said about be.  
\- Me too, Jungkook admits. I also thought I had some training after all those years as an idol. But this is very different... reading some hate coments and being in the middle of a storm. Also to have my own fans turn their back on me. I feel worn out to be honest. And I think you have it even harder. I mean ARMY are trending #jungkooksrighttolove and many fans are also really supportive.  
\- I do not know, she says. Blinks are not that bad either. Or was. I think the ad on with Hanbin might be a different story. The most scary ones has honestly been your fans, and all of those masses online making judgements. The Koreans really are a judgmental people.  
\- Not all of us, Jungkook ads as by automatic.  
\- No, that is right. But I mostly see the bad ones, Rose says. And thinking about judgments, we might try to be thankful there are no pictures of us making out with our current lovers. Then I would have to move back to New Zeeland.

Jimin scrolls thru comment after comment, trying to understand what it all means. What shall they do? What can he do? If he read all of them he thinks he might find an answer in them.   
But people thinks so differently, they are emotional and irrational. One minute a fan writes a long rant about how she always hated Jungkook and never wanted him in BTS to begin with. And then she suddenly calls him a heartbreaker, and gives this long account on how she loved and supported him endlessly for years. ”And this is what I get?” she ends it.  
Another one goes on about how Jungkook is too young to be in a relationship, but after reading a bit about her Jimin understands she herself is twenty-two and recently married her longtime boyfriend.  
Many people just seems desperate to find reasons to why Jungkook should not be with Rose. Anything other than admitting their own feelings; that it makes them sad to see him happy and in love with someone who is not them. Rose is not good enough for Jungkook because she is plastic, she is from YG, she used to date a drug addict, she is probably a drug addict herself, she is so thin one can see she is a drug addict, she is skin and bone, she is forcing herself on him, she is a bad singer, a bad dancer, she has a terrible forced laughter, she is pretending to be cute, she have hidden motives, she is two timing him with Hanbin, she is three timing him with Hanbin and Teddy, she grow up abroad, she is a Westernized whore, a stupid blond, not as artistic and talented as Jungkook …  
Jimin has a hard time reading all of it without throwing up, and he really hopes Rose does not read any of it. No one deserves to read words like that.  
What also really gets to Jimin is those of his own fans who thinks Jungkook is destroying everything for him and the rest of BTS. ”Jungkook is a selfish over sexual brat who does not care for anyone but himself. Jimin would never do anything like that.” He reads. ”Jimin is that friend who is always there for Jungkook when he needs him. And Jungkook is that friend who takes it for granted, but never ever gives anyting in return." He shakes his head, with a lump in his throat. There must be something he can do, anything to make them stop?  
On Weverse one Korean fan that Jimin recognize as one of their first, she used to come to every recording and fan signing before they were famous, writes a beautiful post about how BTS is seven. And how she will always love and suport all seven, equally.  
And Jimin cannot help it, he knows it might be risky and that he should be checking with Namjoon and Bang first, but he has to do something. And he does not want to wait. It seems waiting is all they do at BigHit right now while Jungkook and Rose are being torn to pieces. So, he answers the post with seven purple heart.  
Seven purple hearts on Weverse, Jimin who seldom answers to comments knows it will spread like wildfire over Internet.

Jungkook’s throat feels dry, as he stares at the petition. ”In our eyes, Jungkook is no longer a member of BTS. He is not worthy our support, the trust we felt in him is forever broken.” He reads. ”As fans we want to protect the remaining six members; RM, Jin, J-hope, Suga, V and Jimin. The text is translated to English, Spanish, Japanese and Arabic and have 9157 signatures.  
9157 people wants Jungkook to leave BTS.  
You win some and you loose other things. But among all of the things that happened after those pictures was released this is the worst. Jungkook calls Jimin. He calls him and when he picks up the phone he starts to cry.  
There are millions of different ways of crying, and lately Jungkook has been exploring a lot of them. Lonely-crying from being left, happy-crying from being found again and scared-crying; crying because of fear.  
\- Baby, Jimin says. Where are you? At home? I’ll take a cab right away.

Jimin storms into the apartment in all of his beauty. Newly bleached hair and dark brown eyes. Jimin who is the only thing that helps. His beautiful small hands. His mouth and body. Like an answer to all of the questions the public opinions arise in Jungkook. He thought he was strong. He thought he knew who he was. But now he keeps forgetting. Time and time again he forgets when he reads what others think about him. 9157 people want him to leave BTS. 9157 fans who used to admire him, hates him now.  
Can he be an alright human being even though his beloved fans have turned their back on him? What right does he have to make them feel like this, just because he himself is in love. Does he even has the right to be in love? The right to have Jimin this close, when others are heartbroken?  
\- You need to stop reading comments online, Jimin says with that dark demanding voice he often uses in bed. You really have to stop it Jungkook. Now. They are not really talking about you. They are talking about a projection of their own desires and fears. Nothing of it is your fault. As you said yourself; you have the right to your own desires and it is important that people know it.  
\- But, says Jungkook. All of a sudden I am so very unsure. Like who am I? Who am I to be happy in love when others are heartbroken?  
\- You are starting to sound more and more like me, when I left you, Jimin says.  
And as he says it Jungkook knows it is true. What is the world doing to their love?  
\- And we both know how devastating that was, Jimin continues. Those martyr-like thoughts did not really lead me anywhere but into destruction and depression. And not only me, but the both of us. Everyones deserves to be happy Jungkook. Everyone. And we are the happiest together.  
\- Jungkook grabs Jimin’s smaller hand in his bigger.  
\- I am not leaving you, he mumbles trying to sound ressuring.  
\- You are the most important person in your life, Jimin says, still with that demanding voice. And I will keep reminding you, just like you reminded me until I understood. And look.  
He takes out his phone to show Jungkook the trending tags on twitter.  
\- Most fans are not turning their back at you. #jungkooksrighttolove have been trending on twitter since the first day those photos was realized.  
Jungkook nods.  
\- Come here, Jimin says. Just come here…  
And Jungkook steps closer, his face so close to Jimin's he can feel his breath against his own lips.  
\- I might kiss you, Jimin breath. Just because...  
Jungkook leans in, his heart and knees weak and full of desire.  
\- You are so... as a blond, he mumbles into the kiss.  
Then he stops to take a closer look at the blond Jimin. And Jimin stare back at him with heavy eyelids and a mischievous smirk.  
\- I know, he answers.  
And then he laughs, that laughter that stops the world, and manage to brings Jungkook back when he is lost.

\- I saw Jimin took some own impulsive decisions to answer a fan on Weverse yesterday, Bang says behind his big desk.  
Jungkook nods, he is sitting on a chair in the office, fighting to stay intact.  
\- I have not spoken to him yet, Bang continues. Because I do not know what to say.  
Jungkook nods again. He always feels so small infront of Bang, a bit like he lost his voice.  
\- I do not want to support vagaries like that, Bang contiues. You should all check with management first. And specially considering the situation, and your relationship with each other.  
Jungkook nods for a third time.  
\- But at the same time... it was a very intelligent move, Bang ads. I think it really made a great impact. So, what shall I tell him?  
Jungkook shakes his head, he do not know what he is suppose to answer. Or why Bang is asking him.  
\- Maybe you should tell him to always ask you first when it is important, but continue to think the same way, he suggest.  
Bang nods as if he really cares for Jungkook's opinion. And Jungkook feels a bit bad for thinking about the question as some sort of test.  
\- Yes, Bang says. I will call him later on. But back to us here… I wanted to meet you because I think we need to make a new statement. You know the situation with Rose is growing out of control Jungkook.  
Jungkook nods again.  
\- How are you holding up?, Bang asks.  
\- Tiered, Jungkook admits. Very tiered. But Jimin has been so good, the best.  
\- I so happy to hear that, Bang says with a genuine smile.  
\- Jimin and I also talked… Jungkook hesitates before continuing but Bang nods supportive. We talked a lot about what to do… I think my fans wants to hear things directly from me. I mean there are so many rumors. And I think people might feel like I have turned their back on them, also because of my silence. I know it is a bit unconventional, but do you think a video message could help?  
Bang nods slowly, with a serious look on his face.  
\- Good thinking, he praises. Really good. I have atually thought about the same thing. If you think you will manage to record one, I believe it is our best option. I mean a handwritten letter might also be good, but I think a video might convey better. Also thinking about fans abroad. And unfortunately I think... I think it might be good if you also commented on your relationship with Rose. There seems to be no way of stopping fans anger. And specially fans who have other biases in BTS. I guess you saw the petition?  
Jungkook nods silently again.  
\- You know considering how many fans you have in the world, it is a small amount of people, Bang assures him. But it is still almost 10 000 people we are talking about. And I would be lying if I said it was not important for your image and for BTS. A lot of news papers all over the world have been writing about the petition, and it is slowly changing the way the public sees ARMY. And BTS relationship to ARMY… In short; it is not good for anyone.  
\- I know, Jungkook says, guilt twisting in his stomach again.


	26. I’m the one I should love

Knowing he gave them his all again, Jungkook stumbles into his apartment and falls down into the sofa. He has just filmed a short video message, the recording did not take long and all he did was to sit still and talk, but he feels as after the second day of arena concerts. Drained out of energy and emotions.  
He told Jimin he needed to be alone, because somehow he feels like ARMY deserves all of his focus until the video is released. And Jimin who had been on the site together with Namjoon to support him had understood completely. ”I love you.” He had whispered in his ear before they parted.  
Jungkook usually monitors his every move after being recorded, wanting it to be perfect, often asking for another take even when the team is pleased. But this time he has not watched himself at all. He felt like something would be destroyed if he did. His honesty? The feeling that he had been speaking directly from his heart? Monitoring and doing it all over again would somehow make it into more of a play, a staged performance, and he really wants this to be more than that.  
He closes his eye. They have not performed for months and he really misses them, his ARMY. Or, can he still call them his after all said and done? The guilt burns behind his eyes again.  
He really thinks he loves them whole hearted, even if his love for Jimin made him jeopardize their trust, and release pictures he normally would have done anything to hide.  
There must be a way to love ARMY and Jimin at the same time, without being a cheater? Must it not?  
He never had this problem or thoughts when being with Rose, and many idols have girlfriends or boyfriends. But somehow his love from Jimin is different, more overwhelming, but also dangerously forbidden. It is strange, but his love for Jimin and ARMY are also so connected, almost intertwined. If it was not for ARMY or fan service, JiKook as a fan fantasy, he wonders if they would ever have found each other.  
As he dozes off in the sofa he dreams he is up on a big stage again. Surrounded by ARMY’s beautiful faces, their fan chants and smiles. Jimin is also up on the stage with him, he appears as the last time he saw him, blond and grown up, but to Jungkook’s surprise he is wearing the cloths he was wearing when they debuted. A big golden chain around his neck. ”Why are you wearing those cloths, daring?” Jungkook says out loud, feeling a bit embarrassed and uncomfortable.  
And in the dream no one seems to thinks it is strange that he calls Jimin darling infront of the fans. Jimin smiles bright and happy. ”Don’t you like them?” He says playfully, and then he spins around as in their debut choreography, lifting his tank top to show the world his beautiful abs. And Jungkook does not know what to say or do, all of a sudden he feels like he did when he had just debuted and Jimin flirted with him because the fans loved it, stiff and shy.  
But ARMY goes wild in the audience because of their interaction.

Jimin watches the clip one more time. His Jungkook is speaking to their fans. Dressed in a black shirt, a green bomber jacket, many silver earrings and natural makeup he sits on a bar stool out on a balcony high up on a hillside in Seoul. In the background skyscrapers and mountains raise up. A dark clouded sky hangs low.  
It was all filmed in one shot, Jimin knows because he was there. Namjoon and him were hanging out on the balcony making sure everything was done the right way, and no one forced Jungkook to say anything he did not want to. In case the camera team would get suspicious, Jimin did not hug Jungkook, or held his hand even though Jungkook was shaking. He was just there. Being there together with Namjoon felt better than hanging out at home or at BigHit. Namjoon said is was a good choice they made, even though Jungkook was so focused on the task he did not seem to notice them that much.  
The team had been prepared to go on filming for hours, but one shot was enough. One shot. They said it could not get any better.  
In the clip Jungkook’s dashing face looks young, but at the same time mature. Fragile, but also strong. His broad shoulders hanging.  
\- This is Jungkook from BTS, he says with a shy tone glancing at the camera.  
And then he stares at the ground as if he changed his mind, the feeling of it a bit as if he finally took the courage to speak to his long time crush. He shrugs, takes a deep breath and looks up again with glossy eyes.  
\- I am speaking to you all like this because I want to make sure of one thing, he continues, voice cracking a bit. I know this has been a hard time for many of you, and I am really sorry about that… I never ever meant to hurt you…  
He looks down again at his own hands resting in his lap. Jimin can see how they tremble. The ARMY tattoo fully visible, as a symbolic confession of love for everyone to see.  
\- Personally I do not care about the haters, Jungkook mumbles still looking at his hands. Or I try my best not to care about the haters. But I care for ARMY, very much.  
A sound of a sniffle leaves his lips as he fights back the tears. He blinks a bit and looks up into the camera again, one small tear falling on his left cheek.  
\- I love you all, and no relationships in the world is going to change that, he says softly, similar to the way he sometimes speaks to Jimin. I love being on the stage in front of you, I love recording music for you, and I love making silly shows for you. I also love Seokjin, Yoongi, Hoseok, Namjoon, Jimin and Taehyung, they are my best friends.  
He takes his tattooed hand up to wipe the tear away. And Jimin thinks it is very beautiful, but also a bit cheesy when the word ARMY smudges away his tear.  
\- ARMY, just like you may have boyfriends or girlfriends come and go in your life, I might as well. But I really wish for ARMY and BTS to remain, Jungkook says looking steady into the camera again.  
Jimin’s heart swells in his chest. He loves that man so much. And he loves how he does not lie but formulates the sentence gender neutral, without making it sound suspicious in any way.  
\- I know many of you are curios about me and Rose, Jungkook says on the screen looking a bit hesitant again. And I am unsure of what is the most decent thing to do; to talk about it or not. But those photos are old, we ended our relationship about half a year ago. It is hard to have a relationship with the life I am living. We are still friends though and I respect her very much as an artist and human being. When people attack her it makes me angry, but also, to be honest sad.  
He turns quiet again seemingly looking for the wording.  
\- But, he continues. The reason I asked BigHit if I could do this unusual message is not because of her, it is because of you all. Because I love ARMY more than you can ever imagine, and I do not want you to misunderstand my intensions. I want to grow old with you.  
He smiles a little sad smile.  
\- I really truly love you, so please let me stay with you, he mumbles shyly.  
And then he changes to English, so that more fans can understand, cheeks turning a bit red.  
\- I know I might be lacking in many ways, but one thing stays true. ARMY you really are the love of my life, he says.  
And then the screen turns black. Jimin shivers, and presses play one more time.  
If this brilliant video does not help, nothing will.

Jungkook is unbelievable good at showing his honest emotions in front of a camera, Namjoon thinks. How does he do that? The video message looks so raw and effortless. It is not like he is oversharing, but he is still right there talking directly from his heart.  
No one can accuse Jungkook of lying, or following a manuscript handed to him by management. No, everyone can tell he speaks his mind. No one would be this good of an actor.  
Hours after the release #ARMYLOVESJUNGKOOK is trending on social platforms all over the world. And Namjoon never ever doubted that ARMY loves Jungkook. The question is maybe more so how that love manifests itself. Is it a healthy love that can help Jungkook grow up in a good way? Or is it an unhealthy controlling love that will make it hard for him to move around in the world? A dangerous love that in the end will turn so controlling that it spills over into hate?  
The truth is probably somewhere in between, Namjoon thinks. With millions of lovers all of the world, how could it only be one thing?  
He watches the video again. Feeling reliefed by how good it is, but also a tiny bit jealous. How does he do that? Speaking so casual and honest? Namjoon really wants to learn it too.  
He thinks about Jungkook’s recordings with Ed Sheeran and Harry Styles. He just got the chance to hear the first mastering of them. And the songs, the production and Jungkook’s voice are really amazing. Splendid. Namjoon knows the songs will take the world by storm.  
If this could just slow down a bit, so they could continue on planning this year and decide when to release what. Yoongi has a mix tape coming up, and Taehyung is also on his way with some own material. And then there is the Korean album and the Japanese, and the Arena Tour. Namjoon takes a deep breath. One thing at the time, he thinks.

”Look at this Kookie, it is a mad world but the queen wrote me a song. So I will be alright.” Rose texts Jungkook, and then there are two links, one to a very short public statement made by YG Entertainment saying Rose is no longer part of BlackPink or YG, and the other one to IU’s new music video Blueming.  
Jungkook's stomach twist when he reads YG statement. Cold and simple. It is sickening. What right do they have to just throw people under like that? Like they were used things and not humans. He feels like throwing up. What shall Rose do now? In this world she is born to be a singer. Will she move back to New Zealand? Go to university? Find a normal job? What about all the things she sacrificed to become a Korean idol?  
Before he gets the chance to check out the music video, there is another text. ”And, when I said I will be alright I mean it. Leaving YG is scary, but something that was bound to happen sooner or later no matter of the photos. Look at the video instead. YOU WILL DIE OF JEALOUSY. ”  
Jungkook cannot help but smile. Rose always knows too well what goes on in his head, he shakes it gently to get the bad thoughts out of it.  
Since young age IU has been Jungkook’s idol, his role model and big celebrity crush. He always feels close to her when he watches her on the screen, and listens to her music, like she speaks directly to him. But when he sees her in real life he still after all these years starts to behave and feel like as a nervous fanboy. And now she is Rose girlfriend. Life is strange.  
He presses play to watch the music video.  
There is a colorful house and its walls are shaking as if there was an earthquake. In a bed in the house IU wakes up and runs out to check her mailbox.  
She is waiting for something, someone.  
She sings about anticipation and romantic love. In the lyrics of the song gender is never mentioned, and one never sees the lover IU is awaitaning.  
”It is a secret garden just for the two of us… I feel bloom. I feel bloom. I feel bloom. ” She sings. It is hopeful, catchy and smart. A beautiful pop song. IU never ever disappointed Jungkook. He suddenly feels like dancing, light hearted he swings his body to the music.  
They will all be alright somehow.  
In the video blue roses functions as a symbol of love.  
The queen really wrote this for Rose, but Jungkook is not jealous. No as strange as life has turned out to be, it all makes sense. His idol and first celebrity crush wrote a love song for his ex girlfriend. They are now in love. And it is of course an epic song.  
He on the other hand is in love with his best friend and band mate.  
”Will you let a million roses bloom with me? Let’s color the pedals however we want,” IU sings and many roses starts to grow in her garden.

\- What makes you happy Namjoon?, Bang asks as out of nowhere.  
Where did that question come from? The two of them are sitting together eating at an office at BigHit after another internal meeting about Jungkook’s pictures. The situation looks much brighter. After the video message the public opinion seems to have turned in the right direction. There are of course still some idiots out there, as there always will be. But the feeling of being in the storm of the eye is over for now. Until the next scandal, Namjoon thinks bitterly.  
He wonders who it will be then. Taehyung? How long can he keep his romance with Yoona a secret? How long does he want to keep it a secret, being impulsive and over the heels is love, Namjoon is kind of impressed by Taehyung discretion so far. They also managed not to get pregnant, Namjoon shivers at the thought about idol-pregnancies. But then Halsey’s unpredictable face suddenly pops up in his head. He himself might as well be the one with the next scandal.  
He looks at Bang, the confusion must be easily read on his face.  
\- You do not seem very happy at the moment, Bang says. So, I was wondering how you feel?  
Namjoon shrugs.  
\- Don’t I? Seem happy?, he repeats.  
He has not really had the time to think about happiness lately. What is even happiness? A fleeting feeling of euphoria? Or a more settled feeling of satisfaction in life? Something to live for, like a purpose? Namjoon does not know.  
\- Lately, I have started to get the feeling you are unsatisfied with this work, Bang continues. It feels like the fire in your eyes is gone, replaced by more dutiful, or tired emotions.  
Namjoon shakes his head slowly. Is that true? He spent the whole day thinking about scandals and strategies on how to avoid them. Not his dream job, but someone has to do it.  
\- I do not know, Namjoon answers. But life cannot always be full of passion, then we would all burn out. There has to be periods of doubt and boredom. And maybe duty is the thing that makes me continue right now. I do not have the energy to always be on top.  
Bang nods slowly.  
\- I did not mean to put further pressure on you to always be passionate. I just wanted to check if you are alright.  
\- Thank you, Namjoon answers. I am. Alright. I think I just need some time to understand all the things that are going on, like... how to adjust and behave around Jimin and Jungkook. And I also… still feel ashamed of my own behavior. It worries me. Which I think is good… to hinder myself from doing similar things in the future.  
Bang nods.  
\- Yes, he says. Analyzing your own faults is one of your best trades, as long as you do not let is spiral down into depression or heavy self doubt. You know that I am always very proud of you Namjoon.  
Namjoon smiles a little. He knows, but he is not always sure he deserves it.  
\- Thank you, he answers. I think I just need a period of boredom and self doubt. And then there will be passion again. And if this state of mind continues on into the comeback and the Arena Tour, I will let you know.  
Bang laughs.  
\- Then I trust you to tell me if there is anything you need.  
Namjoon nods, and then he suddenly remembers what he has forgotten in this mess of happenings. The text he wrote during their brake, maybe this is good time to talk about it.  
\- Or now that I think about it, there is actually one thing, he starts. I have been writing some things, poetry... literature, and I have thought about trying to find a publisher. But the texts are kind of dark and heavy, political, and there is also some sexual content… And I do not want them to be associated with BTS, at all. So, I have been pondering if to publish them under a pseudonym. How do you feel about it, is it too risky? I do not know if they are good enough for anyone to want to publish them of course, not knowing it is a famous person behind them. But what is your opinion about trying? Is is too dangerous?  
Bang leans back a bit looking at Namjoon behind his glasses.  
\- The spark, he says pointing at Namjoon’s eyes. It is not dead at all... So… I really think is sounds like a very good idea. I will have our lawyers to look into it. And how you can go ahead in a safe way.

When Namjoon comes home after the meeting he opens his laptop. Is he unhappy? His heart do ace in his chest. It is kind of late and they have practice early tomorrow morning, but he opens his laptop and starts to write. He have not thought about anything but BTS for the last weeks. But now his fingers flies over the keyboard.  
As a kid he wanted to be a poet, and in many ways he became one. But at the same time he is living very far away from how he imagined a poet to live and create. A poet inside the binding structure of the entertainment industry, he thinks to himself.  
The heavy feeling in his chest transcend through his fingers as he writes, sentences and words. It feels so long ago he almost forgot… Writing is like being able to breath after holding his breath for a very long time.  
They have practice early tomorrow, and Namjoon has always been a slow learner when it come to choreography, but once he starts he cannot stop writing.  
He writes to understand himself and the world. He writes to step out of his own problematic being, and lift the heavy weight on his shoulders. ”Who am I?” He writes. "A Korean man. A world wide star. A rapper. A business man. An idol.  
A scared lonely man among other lonely people.  
A writer?” He knowns writing is what brings him the closest to himself. His own evolving words like a home on this scary planet, and still he often forgets to give them the time they need.  
”What ever happens in life, whatever pain it brings me. No matter of love and lost, I will always have you my dear words.” He writes, feeling suddenly dramatic and alive. Glowing lights and happiness in his chest. Yes, the more he thinks about it he believes that reassuring thought might actually be his happiness. Higher and truer than any romantic love he ever felt. The answer to his own need might actually not be to find a lover. Is that why he could not fully understand Jimin and Jungkook's need to be together?  
”I am not unhappy.” He writes.  
”Writing will never leave me.”  
He looks at his own words before he goes to bed.  
It is late, but like magic he falls asleep fast and heavy, feeling safe and loved in his own arms.

On the top of a hill in Seoul there is a big house with high fences around. They arrive in taxis through the heavy gates. Not together but on by one. When Jungkook arrives Ji-eun, Rose and Jimin are already there, standing outside of the main entrance small talking. It is late autumn, leaves are on the ground. And Jungkook feels nervous in the evening, he looks down at his dark green suit. Is it not a little too tight?  
Jimin is also wearing a suit, but a black one, looking stunningly androgynous and pretty. His eyes, all shades of dark and fire when Jungkook comes closer, and he shivers of pleasure under his gaze knowing the suit must have been a good choice even if a bit reviling.  
Rose also looks at him, in a short yellow flower dress and her long hair in a high ponytail.  
\- Looking good Mr, she shouts out in English.  
Next to her IU, or Ji-eun, is standing dressed in a long black dress and an oversized grey suited jacket. Wearing high heels, she is still shorter than the rest of them. Her hair is long and dyed blue for her comeback. And she also smiles looking right at Jungkook with her perfect porcline complexion.  
\- I do not think we ever had the time to really talk before, she says with a dark voice. But I have heard a lot about you Jungkook.  
And Jungkook feels his face burning. It is hard to look right at her. He bows a little too deep.  
\- It is an honor, he stutters.  
And then he hears Rose high pitched laughter.  
\- Kookie, she laughs. For fuck sake, snap out of it. She is my girlfriend.  
But Jungkook cannot seems to focus, he feels dizzy. Starstruck and embarrassed.  
\- I am sorry, he mumbles. But I have been a fan ever since your debut… I cannot help my self, you are brilliant.  
At that Ji-eun also laughs, but a bit more embarrassed, polite and held back than Rose.  
\- I heard that, for years your fans has been reminding me, and now lately Rose as well, she says. I very honored too. But... shall we maybe go inside, I think our host is waiting.  
Jungkook nods and instinctually grabs Jimin’s hand when it brushes by close to his, like a magnet. And Jimin caress his hand softly, and holds on to it. It must be okay here?  
\- What suit is that?, Jimin hisses close to Jungkook’s ear bitig his plum lip.  
And Jungkook smiles and shivers under his gaze again. He wants Jimin to touch more than just his hand. He wonders if kissig would be stepping over the boundaries of what is polite to do here. But before he gets the chance to really think it thru or try Rose interrupts, shaking her head dramatically.   
\- JiKook stop flirting, and let’s go inside, she says. As Ji-eun said, our host must be waiting.

Bang Shi-Hyuk seldom dress up, but he is wearing a black suit when he opens the door. It looks too big, and the look of it makes Jimin a bit emotional. He has never been to Bang’s home before. The house appears expensive but at the same time cosy, a hallway with orange walls and many framed drawings welcomes them.  
\- Welcome, Bang says looking as when he is about to give a speech.  
Nervous, but also exited, Jimin thinks.  
\- I am so happy to have you here, Bang continues. All four of you. Hope you do not find my initiative too strange. It might be a bit egocentric of me, but I really wanted to see you all together. Because… because I guess I wanted some hope for the future, for things to change and evolve… But I also wanted you to know that you are not alone. There will always be certain rooms where you are welcomed just as you are. And this house is one of them. Please take off your shoes there are slippers over there.  
Ji-eun and Rose seems to be almost falling over each other when they change to slippers. They giggles with their heads close together in the hallway.  
\- Be careful, Jimin whispers and they both smiles.  
Smiles that somehow seems to be a bit out of this world. They really look great together.  
A short skinny man with glasses, dressed, just like Bang, in a little too big black suit appears in the hallway with a bottle of champagne in his hand.  
\- Ah, and this is Park Dae-Ho my partner, Bang says smiling proudly. I’m so proud you gave me the courage to finally introduce him.  
All four of them bow, and Jimin cannot seem to let go of Jungkook’s hand. The hand feels so warm and secure in his. He really do not think their boss will mind.  
\- This way, Bang says and leads them into the living room.  
The room is bright with big glass windows looking out at the autumn garden. The wooden dinner table set up with many small dishes and candle lights.  
\- Wow, Jungkook says appreciating. You really have a very pretty home.  
\- Yea, Rose fills in. It is really wonderful, I feel so blessed to be invited.  
\- Do you drink champagne? Bangs parter asks. Otherwise we have bear and alcohol free alternative.  
\- I love champagne, Ji-eun smiles and bows a little.  
\- Me too, says Jimin and suddenly he has a glass in his hand.  
\- Let us toast for love! Bang says almost shyly. Or is that too banal?  
\- Love is never banal, Jungkook says next to Jimin. It is beautuiful but also very complex.  
And Bang laughs.  
\- True that, he says.  
\- Then let’s toast for loves complexity, says Bangs partner and they all raise their glasses.

Jungkook glances around the dinner table, feeling a bit like he is dreaming. All those lovely faces at the same place.  
\- The only way to handle it, is to sue the haters. Do not let the hate pass by unnoticed by our legal system, Ji-eun says with a determent voice.  
Her fist banging to the dinner table and Bang nods.  
\- I really do think you are right Ji-eun, he says sipping on his champagne. But it takes a lot of energy and resources when managing many famous idols. It is not always that easy.  
\- If you make money out of them, Ji-eun says pointing out at the garden. I mean, enough to buy a place like this, you also have the recourses to try to protect them. There are really no excuses. I mean it is you who put them in this complex situation. I mean Jungkook and Jimin were just teenagers. Being an idol is hard, and specially at young age. Harder than you ever know Mr Bang.  
Jungkook stares at his idol, she appears a little tipsy, but not drunk. He is worldless. She really must be a queen. He himself would never dare to speak like that to Bang, or anyone at his age to be honest. But Bang does not seems to think Ji-eun is rude, rather the opposite. He seems impressed, like he found someone who speaks his language. An equal.  
They go on to talk about politics and equality, creating a little bubble at the dinner table. So, Jungkook turns to Rose.  
\- How are you doing?, he asks and suddenly everyone is quiet.  
\- Yes, sorry me and Ji-eun had too much to talk about, Bang says. But I was waiting for an opportunity to ask the same Rose. I think it all is very unfortunate. Unfair to be honest. If it was not for your history with Jungkook I would sign a contract with you. But as you understand that would only add fuel to the fire.  
\- Thank you, Rose smiles. It really means the world to me to hear you say that. But after the shock of it all… I feel… alright. Like stronger and more self aware. I was thinking of going back to New Zealand. But… this a big time secret so do not tell anyone. But I think I will sign with P Nation.  
Jungkook stares at her.  
\- What!?, he says. You did not tell me, when did this happen?  
\- I have had discussions with Park Jae-sang for a while, even before this mess. He have been listening to the solomaterial YG refuse to believe is ready, and he really likes it. Yesterday I actually had a meeting with him face to face, and he wants to re-produce some of the songs himself and then release them as a minialbum. It also sounds like I can be part of the process. And I have not signed it yet, because I wanted my lawyers to look into the contracts first. I will never more sign a paper without having lawyers to look at it.  
Ji-eun lets her hand rest on Rose knee.  
\- You are the best, she says with a sudden soft voice and glitter in eyes. The best, and soon everyone else will know it as well.

They dare to share a taxi home. It is not a strange thing to do between bandmates, Jimin thinks. Neither is staying together in Jungkook’s apartment. Good bandmates tend to keep together, no one will question that.  
Jimin feels giddy and warm from all of the champagne and discussions. And Jungkook smiles tenderly and drunkly, before he leans against Jimin’s shoulder in the car.  
The closeness makes it tingle deep down in Jimin’s stomach. That damn suit, it is maddening on Jungkook’s body. Jimin presses his own body a little bit closer, letting his hand casually massage Jungkook’s thighs. But the taxi driver seems to glance at them thru the front mirror.  
Jimin wonders if he recognizes them, or if he is just curious because of their expensive suits. He takes his hand off Jungkook and looks out of the window instead, trying not to think about all the things he wants to do with Jungkook’s body.  
It is dark outside. They are crossing one of the bridges when big white snowflakes starts to fall, beautifull from the sky.  
\- Look Jungkook, Jimin whispers. It is snowing.  
And Jungkook presses his face against the window of the car, childlike and happy.  
\- So beautiful, he mumbles. Perfect. It is the first snowfall, is it not?  
And then he takes out his camera and starts filming. 

When they close the door, Jimin cannot keep it together anymore. He kisses Jungkook with all of his mighty, hands wandering all over that tight green suit, over his broad chest, down to his back.  
\- I really do not know if I want to rip this suit to pieces to have you naked right now. Or if I want to find a way to fuck you in it and never let you take it off, Jimin breaths heavy.  
And Jungkook does not seem surprised. No, equally tuned on as Jimin he answers with a soft moan, grinding up against Jimin’s body. And Jimin is already seeing stars, as their growing hard on meet with only the fabric of the suits in-between.  
\- Take my suit off, Jungkook begs grinding even harder against him. Please, take it off.  
Jimin lets his own trembling hand move down to the zipper of Jungkook’s pants. And they are still in the hallway, but he does not care. He could not care less.  
\- Please, Jungkook begs again as if he could not take the suit off himself. Like it was all up to Jimin.  
\- You need to take it off now Jimin, I am burning up here.  
And Jimin opens the zipper hurriedly breathing heavy, letting one of his hands move down into Jungkook’s boxers. A loud moan leaves Jimin’s lips as he feels his varm dick. And Jungkook gazes down at Jimin with a small wrinkle between his dark brows. Hands moving up into Jimin’s bleached hair when Jimin's hand settles around his growning hard on. And Jimin just wants to see that wrinkle turn deeper, to hear him loose it all to pleasure. Make noises and see stars. Yes, Jimin just wants to make Jungkook see stars, make him come in the hallway.  
Or, it does not really matter where they are, everywhere they are in the world he wants to make Jungkook see stars.  
And soon both of their expensive suits are on the floor in the small hallway. Jungkook pressed up naked against the door. Jimin down on his knee, his mouth hungerly sucking on his dick while two finger move up his ass.  
\- You… are…the best thing… I know, Jungkook pants heavy and dark.  
Jimin looks up at his naked body and smiles.

Where ever you are in the world, you need to find your people. The ones that lifts you up, and makes you matter. You need to reach out into the darkness of the world and fumble until you find some sort of light, or a warm body. A warm body in the darkness. Jimin looks up at Jungkook's body. And he stares right back at him, eyes like stars, and a painted expression on this face.  
A warm body in the darkness. Jimin thinks to himself and smiles.

It is dark behind the stage. Jungkook’s heart beats like crazy. It has been months since he stood up on a stage. And it feels like a whole lifetime has taken place since he last looked ARMY in the eyes. But he is ready. He cannot be more ready.  
His cloths and makeup are perfect, they must always be perfect. He takes a deep breath and walks slowly from the back of the stage into the lights. And ARMY are screaming his name. They are screaming his name as if they forgave him. Yes, they must have forgiven him. They are screaming his name as if they missed him. Like they loved him back. They must love him back.  
He wants to see their faces, but the spotlights are blinding. He stands blinded by the lights on the stage waiting for the rest of BTS to walk out one by one, text to him.  
ARMY changes their chanting. Next is Jimin, and Jungkook can feel the present of his body coming up behind him on the stage.  
\- Park Jimin, Park Jimin, Park Jimin… ARMY shouts.  
And Jungkook wants to shout that beautiful name too.  
\- Park Jimin, Park Jimin, Park Jimin, he whispers tenderly on the stage together with ARMY, while Jimin comes closer and closer.  
Until he is stands right next to Jungkook.


End file.
